A Date with King Nothing

(**As I write this, I can’t help but sing Metallica’s “King Nothing” in my head.)

I met King Nothing a few months ago on Tinder; he seemed like he might be a good match. Seemed is the key word here. While we had a lot in common and he was within my preferable age range, he claimed he’d been single for a over a year and had been living alone for a year. Initially, I thought he’d said he had been married 13 years, but it turns out I didn’t hear him correctly. It was 23 years – big difference when someone has only been single for a year! And technically, he is still not divorced, but the paperwork has been filed – all part of my “just say no” rules. He assured me that he was definitely over his ex and had already rebounded. Still, my guard was up, because I’d dealt with this too many times before.

King Nothing was in touch with me for a few days and then seemed to have fallen off the earth. When he finally contacted me, he’d said his dad had just died, so we met out to talk about it. I figured he was going through a lot between that and the divorce, so being friends won’t be an issue. We kept in touch a few more weeks, but I left him alone to let him grieve and contact me when he was ready.

I’m very up front about what I want when I’m dating. Not only do I put it on my online dating profiles, I tell people to their faces “this is what I’m looking for,” so there should be no misunderstandings. But bad listeners or narcissists don’t give a rat’s ass one way or another. I was hearing from King Nothing so sporadically and inconsistently, I reminded him that I am looking for something substantial, not just someone randomly texting me when he’s bored and definitely not a booty call. If friendship was all it was going to be, it also has to work both ways. At this point, we hadn’t even kissed anyway, but I didn’t want to invest time with anyone that has no intention of moving forward. And I certainly don’t want to be dating someone that’s screwing around with other women.

Eventually, King Nothing asked me on a “real” date to his house where he was cooking dinner. This was actually shocking; I hadn’t had a man cook me a meal in three years! When I arrived at his house, I was even more shocked, because the place was beautiful and in a prime waterfront location, and I’d only seen the place from the outside. Dinner was good, and conversation was good, even though I’d heard more than enough about his “psycho” ex and all of their problems… another red flag, especially the “psycho ex” that I want no part of. I told him I was going to start charging him $2/minute every time he brought her up, because it was all he talked about each time we got together. We had some drinks, we kissed. I stayed the night so I didn’t have to drive home buzzed, but no sex. I wanted to be sure this guy really liked me and wasn’t playing games.

Again, after the date, I’d hear from King Nothing about every other week. This was a pattern that I knew all too well. I felt I was probably being played, he’s probably dating multiple women with no intention of settling down and moving on. It turns out I was right.

The last time I heard from King Nothing, he asked what I was doing. Since it had been raining nonstop, I replied that I was about to bang my head against the wall with all of the rain and being stuck inside. He replied, “Do you want to bang something else?” I told him I wasn’t interested in being someone’s booty call. He told me to get a sense of humor. I told him I already had one, and that was the last time I heard from him.

So why did I name him King Nothing? He refers to himself on social media as an alpha male (who I also suspect is easily pussy whipped) and a King (capitalized). Then I found out that while King Nothing was “busy” and “dealing with things” during all of those times I wasn’t hearing from him, he’d been consistently seeing and sleeping with other women around town. And not just one or two – several. I had suspected something, but not that. Does he think he’s the King of Women? More like the King of Drama and Bullshit. I had to move on from this guy. If someone is going to be calling himself a King, he’d better damn well know how to treat a lady like a Queen. Where’s your crown, King Nothing?

Nonconsensual Sex with a Partner?

Recently, I had a conversation with some female friends about how annoying it is when we’re asleep, and our partner wakes us up to have sex. Not just wakes us, but wakes us up out of a dead sleep, rubbing us, poking us, or whatever it takes to get our attention – even if it means flipping us around to gain entrance – even when we push them away. All of us agreed that it’s not only annoying, it pisses us off – and it’s disturbing. If a man thinks his penis is more important than our need for sleep and consent, something is seriously wrong with him. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other or how long you’ve been together.

I do know this, however – our culture has raised women to believe we owe the man something just because he’s our partner or maybe because he took us on a few dates. Not only our culture, but religions that tell its followers that a woman must keep her man satisfied, even if it makes her unhappy. It’s total bullshit. I personally know women that have given in to a man’s wishes just to shut him up, satisfy him, keep him happy, etc. I’m sure some women reading this have done the same; I have been just as guilty in the past. Turn the tables around, and if a man doesn’t want sex, he’s just not going to have it. Period.

Personally, I think it’s “rapey” for a man to do these things. One friend said it’s not “rapey” – it’s just rape. It’s disgusting. Another friend said this:

“Such a man has no respect for his partner. He’s selfish and only thinks of his own desires. Nobody owes anyone else sex – ever. Fullstop. If this guy is so horny, he can easily go to another room and take care of his own problem without disturbing his sleeping partner. Where are these guys learning about intimate relationships, porn?”

Another woman’s opinion:

“He can take care of himself in the bathroom. Know my answer would have been different when I was young, but at this point not doing anything that I’m not into.”

From a friend that has dealt with the same issue:

“My ex used to do that to the point that eventually he bent me over and had his way while i was out in my studio and took what he wanted anyway. Its called nonconsensual sex. It should NEVER happen and a real man would get that.”

Try to get a man to do something he doesn’t want to do – and I’m not talking about mowing the lawn or fixing the toilet – and it’s not going to happen. So why is it okay for some men to think it’s okay to wake a sleeping partner for their own selfish gratification or demand something from women they supposedly like or love to satisfy their wants? It’s barbaric and gross – and men need to be taught that women are humans, not objects for their worldly desires.

Depressed or Just Changing?

Having suffered from depression since I was a child, I absolutely know how to recognize the signs. Sometimes I notice I get more depressed when I’m not eating properly or working out the way I should. But I also get depressed from circumstances out of my control. When it comes to my own life and things I have no control over, I get really down on myself and hopeless. So yeah – I can sit back and let things flow – but in reality, that doesn’t always work.

After trying so many things and either failing or giving up out of boredom or just knowing something isn’t right for me, I’m not even sure which direction to go. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to get there. Just getting to where I am now – which to me, doesn’t seem like I’ve gone far at all the past five years – feels like I’m constantly trudging through mud. Every single thing that I have worked on hasn’t worked out (except where I live so far). I have stopped planning and stopped setting goals altogether, because in the big picture, it all seems unattainable and unicorn dreaming. Been there, done that.

I get so frustrated sometimes when all I do is work towards something only to have it work in the opposite direction or have it taken away. Several years ago, I was meditating and attempting to manifest all of these wonderful things I wanted in my life. The problem was, I was still married at the time, and when you have someone else in the picture not on the same page, all of that manifesting work can be lost. The years I’d spent trying to gain a better life were wasted on someone else undoing them. Talk about feeling totally fucked by the Universe. I feel as if I am unable to lift myself back up and trust again.

And I am completely aware that I’m going through life changes – emotionally and physically. At this point, I have zero motivation to do anything except be a hermit. I have distanced myself from people that don’t interest me; I have also distanced myself from most people altogether as of late. I stay at home a lot, probably because we’ve had nothing but rain every single day, and I’m an outdoors person. I can see changes in my body that I’m not liking at all, which in our society, is hell on a woman. Right now, I can honestly say that I’ve been depressed for the past several years – even while I was still married. Not 100% of the time, but most of it – more than half for certain. I’m unhappy with my job, my finances, and my nonexistent love life. I worked really hard at all of these things my entire life, only to just fall back to zero. Last year I attempted to get counseling through the VA, but they’re pretty screwed up and canceled all of my appointments and didn’t even have a record of me attending the first and only appointment, so I gave up. Off and on for several months, I’ve been in a lot of pain. That certainly doesn’t help with depression either.

For the past several weeks, I haven’t wanted to be around people or do anything social, which is a bit unlike my normal self. I’m alone much of the time, which is fine but not all of the time. It always helps when I’m around friends or at least one person I can talk to, even if it’s just on the phone. I have reached out to people, and I feel ignored. I’m the type of person that always has an open ear to a friend, but I can’t say I’m getting the same in return. I only want to spend time with people that bring light into my life and are true and understanding, which for whatever reason, seems so difficult to find. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere in any group situation, but I also feel like I don’t shine. My regular job isn’t stimulating and pays next to nothing, so that doesn’t help my circumstances. I’ve been working on changing that as well. I have more than one job – none of which make me want to sing and dance. I’m just tired of it all.

When I’m happy, I sing and I dance. And that’s been a long time. All I want is to feel good again, to feel happy, to feel wanted and loved… to sing and dance again.

Why I Don’t Date Cops

When I was in my late 20s I ended up in a phase of dating cops. I guess it started when I came out of a very short but abusive relationship and had to have a restraining order on the person. For whatever reason, I suppose dating cops made me feel “safe,” but I couldn’t have been more wrong. For the most part, every one of them turned out to be liars and cheaters. One in particular turned out to be married with a pregnant wife, even though he claimed he’d never been married. Not too long afterwards, he turned out to be a dirty cop and ended up getting fired and having his name all over the local news.

Recently, I was using the Bumble app to meet people for outdoor activities. I matched with someone that had common interests, but we lived a distance from each other. After chatting with him for a while, I decided I wanted to meet him, because he seemed genuinely nice and said sometimes he comes to my area. He also happened to be a police officer, which usually would turn me off, but he seemed very unlike the typical arrogant nutty cop.

We arranged to meet at a sports bar, and I was immediately both comfortable with and attracted to him – which is really unusual for me. We had a lot in common that I don’t find in other people, and the connection was strong. He complimented me and built me up, told me how much he likes my energy and we agreed that we were both equally connected to one another. He told me how much he liked my artwork and that he’s an art collector. I was also impressed that he’s more intelligent than a lot of men that I meet – that he actually reads books and believes in many of the same spiritual things that I do.

I hadn’t felt this way since I dated OC a year ago, which worried me. I was worried, because I don’t want to be hurt again, and the worry grew when all Sgt. Flip wanted to do was text me and never speak to me on the phone. Now, if someone is working, I can understand if he cannot speak on the phone. But the times he wasn’t working he was busy texting me instead of having a real conversation like an adult. Then it just annoyed me that a middle aged man didn’t want to speak to me for whatever reason but feigned interest in me. I began to notice he was either avoiding some of my questions or didn’t bother reading them or felt it unnecessary to answer me. Who knows. It was two days prior to the arrangement we had made for him to come visit me, and I still didn’t know if he was coming for sure or at what time. He just refused to call me, which I felt was completely odd and shady, and made me think he was with someone else – because that has been my past experience.

By then I grew frustrated, because I felt I was being played. I felt he was playing typical cop games, and I didn’t appreciate someone who supposedly liked me to treat me as such. I mean, how difficult is it to just call someone that you’re making plans to visit? I expressed my concern with him that I clearly see he was avoiding questions, and I was beginning to feel like he’s a typical cop and I don’t have time for games. I let him know that I was suspicious, as any woman would be.

He flipped a switch on me so fast, I thought it was a completely different person I was texting. I guess calling Sgt. Flip out on his bullshit and calling him a typical cop struck a nerve, because then he came back at me full speed. Instead of calling me like a real man would have to straighten out the situation, Sgt. Flip called me a “serial dater who blogs about her screwed up dating experiences like a wannabe ‘Sex in the City’ character.” He claimed he’d been completely honest with me and now I’m “throwing away a completely honest guy.” And then Sgt. Flip said this: “your writing is awful and your ‘art’ is even worse. Sorry, not sorry. You’re blocked.”

Wow. I wasn’t throwing anyone away – I simply wanted  Sgt. Flip to call me the way a man who is truly interested in me and cared about me would. So I guess he was fake liking me the entire time and fake liked my art? I suppose he was faking that he was even coming to visit me at all, since he decided it was okay not to call me and have a conversation about it. I hadn’t even realized he bothered to read my blog, because he never once mentioned it to me… (which is obviously far from Sex in the City, since there is NO sex in my blog…) also making me wonder if he actually read the content.

I’ve been single for four and a half years after having been married for eight, so yeah, I date people, because that’s what single people do, right? It’s not like dating is fun. I just haven’t found the right person, and after this incident, I don’t really care to meet anyone anymore. It just seems like a lot of work, a lot of unnecessary games, and a complete waste of time and energy for a shitty result.

Anyone that knows me and truly understands me and my writing and all of the bullshit I’ve dealt with would never say those hurtful words to me. All of this all because I wanted a phone call, and Sgt. Flip couldn’t handle that. And that is why I don’t date cops.

Three Strikes, He’s Out

About a year and a half ago, I’d met a 49-year-old guy on Tinder that seemed nice. He wasn’t the type that I would normally go for, but everyone kept telling me to try something different. So I did, but the result wasn’t any better.

Since I’m a really outdoorsy person, we agreed to go fishing on the first date – and Three Strikes was supposed to teach me how to fish. I had bought a new purple fishing pole (my favorite color) and hadn’t been able to use it. We met at a loading dock and went off on his boat. He was very personable and I felt safe, but I wasn’t sure if the attraction was there. He talked a lot about his mother, which should have been a red flag. Either way, I’m up for having fun and making friends if nothing more is there. We weren’t out for very long before the clouds moved in and moved us out of the water very quickly. By the time we got to the dock, it started pouring, so we sat in his truck to wait it out so we could retrieve the boat and our belongings inside.

What I didn’t know was that Three Strikes had left my brand new fishing pole on the dock instead of leaving it in the boat, and someone stole it. He was very apologetic, and I said no big deal, it can be replaced. He claimed he’d replace it, and I didn’t have a doubt that he would. We hugged goodbye and kept in touch.

On the second date with Three Strikes, he was on his way out of town, and we met at a cafe for lunch. Something I ordered gave me a sudden allergic reaction. I still don’t know what caused it, but it was a scary feeling that I had to let subside. Three Strikes seemed understanding, but then he said something really freaking stupid. He asked me if I was sure it wasn’t menopause, because of my age. WTF.

At the time I think I was only 43 or 44, but I looked at him like he had three heads and told him that I wasn’t quite up there yet. I thought it was rude for him to even suggest that, especially since he really knew nothing about me, but I still wasn’t feeling well enough to process it. I told him I know my body, and I know the difference between an allergy attack and something hormonal. I forgave him, since I figured most men say stupid things to women anyway.

The third strike came shortly after the menopause comment. Three Strikes, always coming from out of town or leaving and seemingly elusive, decided to stop by my place to say hi. It was probably 80 degrees outside, and I may not have had my a/c running, but I had fans and was comfortable indoors. However, I was dressed appropriately in shorts and a tshirt for the weather; he was in jeans and a long sleeved shirt. We were chatting (probably about his mother lol) and drinking a beer. He started sweating profusely and suddenly had to leave to let out his dog. As he was walking out the door, he said, “Your house is really hot.” I was a little taken aback by his comment, because it just came out of the blue. Again, I didn’t process his comment right away, but once he left I realized I should have suggested he was going through menopause.

After that, I decided that Three Strikes was enough. Not only did he never replace my fishing pole as promised (even after telling me he’d bought one), but his insulting comments were red flags. There was no physical attraction whatsoever at that point, and we hadn’t even kissed. Not a loss. He texted me a couple of months later, but I’d already deleted his number and had to ask who he was. When he sent a selfie on his boat, I never responded and never heard back from him again.

How Long Does it Take to Heal from a Breakup?

I read that for every year of a relationship, it takes that many months to get over. Other articles I’ve read have said that it can take six weeks, and still others have said 18 months. Well, none of them have been correct so far. It hasn’t quite been a year yet for me, and sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my frigging mind. I bounce back and forth between “I’m over this for good, now I can move on”… to “I still don’t understand and I want answers so I can move on.” I don’t know how else to force myself to forget about a certain person or make those thoughts go away. Here I was thinking I’m finally done and can be myself again … YAY!!! … and quickly reminded that I’ve brought up the subject too many times to be truly healed and over something. Yes, it sucks to hear the awful truth, but it is what it is.

Some breakups are easy to heal from, especially when you’re just sick of that person’s shit or never felt that close to them to begin with. Others, not so much – like when you know you were in love and you have no closure and/or it ended abruptly. The other day when I wrote this blog about OC, I was in a good mood and felt like I had clarity and was truly over everything. But then I saw him in town again yesterday and felt angry and hurt all over again. WTF is wrong with me? I keep thinking to myself.

Then today I was reading something written by Shannon Kaiser‘s “Find Your Happy Daily Mantra Deck”. It was card number 17, and it read:

“I am compassionate with myself. It takes time to heal.”

She explains that it’s basically a grieving process and even though others may tell you that you need to get over something, to follow your true self and trust what you know is best for you.

I mean, I’m the only person on earth that truly knows how I feel inside and how I felt about that person, and those feelings went deeper than I knew could happen. The only thing I can do, I suppose, is to just force myself to get out of the house and do all of the things I used to do prior to and during the time we were together. Be more active, workout more, eat better, write more, etc… I guess now it’s just finding that motivation to do so.

Another Dating Chapter Done

If you have read my first book, “Unheard,” you’ll understand the type of mindfucking I had to deal with as a child. As an adult, I guess I have been attracted to what I know, even though it’s not what I want and I don’t necessarily recognize it. But now I think I do.

It has taken me several months to get over OC, and I know I am for sure done with my feelings for him, except maybe feelings of disgust. I suppose I was more obsessed with the idea of finding out why things ended the way they did (a text without any explanation) that I was blinded to the fact that he’s a narcissistic mindfuck. What happened recently resulted in me finally seeing that lightbulb finally shine.

I’ve been on Bumble, mostly bored, because I really never meet anyone in person from there. The other day, OC’s face showed up. I saw that he had updated his profile to his current age but still fails to be truthful about his marital status (claims to be single but has never filed for divorce). Just for the hell of it, I swiped right on his, not imaging he’d do the same. Three days later, we matched up. I was shocked. I don’t know if it was a mistake or what, but he had an opportunity to unmatch it, which he did not. I had no intention of ever dating him again, because I no longer trust him; I just wanted answers. He’s had ample opportunity to apologize for being a complete douche to me and give me the truth I deserve. I thought maybe this time I’d have it. I got the answer, alright.

Since women have to be the first to initiate conversation on the Bumble app, I took the opportunity to only say, “Well this is a surprise.” He had 24 hours to reply or the app automatically unmatches. I know for certain he saw my message, but he didn’t respond. It really aggravated me that after all of the shit he put me through, he would take the time to match with me and never even say boo. I asked if he was just playing games again… no reply, which was my answer. The fucker is playing games with me, I thought. How rude and immature and unnecessary! What kind of a person does that?? A narcisicistic asshole!

Once I realized he was playing some mindfuck game with me, I decided enough is enough with me allowing this person to screw with my head and emotions. About three hours prior to the app automatically unmatching us, I deleted him.

It’s exactly what I needed to do in order to make myself feel better and move onto the next chapter of my life. I instantly felt liberated that I had finally taken control of the situation, and I felt a huge sense of relief that I had been yearning for for several months. It was like a weight lifted off of me, and I can feel that lost part of myself coming back. And he can shove his man-child games right up his ass, because I deserve a hell of a lot better than that.