Fun Messing with a Telemarketer

Yesterday I received a call from a number that I had previously declined. But this time I was in a funny mood and decided to answer. The caller sounded like a young male and asked for me by my married name, so I knew it was another seller. It turned out to be a self-publishing book company that I had inquired about nearly 10 years ago!

I feigned a foreign accent that was something between Spanish and Chinese… (don’t ask how I came up with that lol). He said his name was Josh, and even though the number showed it was from Indiana, he said he was in the Philippines (but he had no accent, sounded completely American). The conversation went something like this:

Me: Oh hi Josh, what are you wearing?

Josh: (paused) A grey T-shirt.

Me: A grey t-shirt? Oh wow, is that it? No pants?

Josh: Yes, I’m wearing pants.

Me: Oh you should take them off. Your shirt, too… I want to hear your coworkers cheer you on.

Josh: I can’t take my pants off. I’m in an office and people are on phones.

Me: But I bet everyone will have fun. You should take your shirt off and do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. (It was hard for me to hold it together.)

Josh was kind of laughing and trying to read his script, but I interrupted him.

Me: How old are you Josh?

Josh: 23

Me: Ohhhhh 23… I love that! Do you like cougars?

Josh: (chuckles) Yes, I like cougars.

Me: I’m not talking about the animal. You like older women?

Josh: Sure, I like older women.

Me: Nice. I bet you’d look really good with that grey T-shirt off. (I’m really laughing but trying not to, and I think by then I’d forgotten my fake accent.)

Josh was still trying to sell me book stuff but I can’t remember what he said. He also mentioned that this call was being recorded.

Me: Oh good, glad they’re recording it. Maybe I can play the conversation to my friends. Maybe I can write a book about cougars. Cubs and cougars, you know?

Josh: Yeah you should do that. Write about that.

Me: But I don’t know enough cubs to write a whole book about. Maybe you could be part of the book! I do have a blog though.

Josh: You should write a book about that. (He kept trying to sell still but I kept interrupting.)

Me: Are you still wearing your clothes? I’m at the beach and not wearing any. You should come down and take your clothes off.

At some point I could tell that Josh’s supervisor was probably trying to get him off the phone. Either the phone cut out or Josh was told to cut the call, because everything went silent. Maybe they finally took me off of their damn calling list!

Still Seeking Clarity

I sent this to my friend almost exactly one year ago about OC. I had been visiting family for a week when this occurred:

I don’t know what to think. The entire time I was gone up north I barely heard from OC. Last Sunday he said if he didn’t respond it’s because his phone isn’t working right (screen is cracked). I stopped messaging him to see if he’d bother to reply to me at all. He didn’t, but he did post some things on Instagram a couple of days later, so obviously his phone was working then. He liked some of my things on there, but never communicated with me. I sent him something thru the Instagram messaging system of a lion and lioness getting it on… no response. I sent him video of two cats licking each other like lovers – it was obviously me sending sexual references. All he said was that seems like a good way to get a lot of hair in your mouth. That was his only response.

I came home on Thursday. I wondered if he was on Bumble or maybe meeting someone else. So I got on Bumble, and his profile is still on there, but I don’t know if he’s active or not. So I said “I didn’t realize you were still on Bumble.” No response. Then I finally said if you don’t want to see me anymore, just tell me. You’ve been noncommunicative with me. He finally responded saying he’s just been very busy trying to catch up with everything. So I said do you have plans tonight? He said he does… going out to eat w/ his boys and then has to come home to do invoicing. I told him I missed him; he said he missed me, too. That night I found out a friend of mine died earlier this month, so I was upset. I sent him a text saying “I want to hug you so bad right now”. He may have been in bed by then, but NO RESPONSE, even the following day (Friday).

I figured last night he’d take me out to dinner or something, considering I haven’t seen him in over a week now. Never heard from him. Nothing today either (Saturday). I’m assuming he’s working, but there’s no way in hell he’s working THIS much. I’m like WTF!!! This is so weird to me, esp considering we’ve been seeing each other almost 3 months now and have spent so much time together. So I finally sent him a message 30 minutes ago saying:

“I really don’t know what to think at this point. Obviously if you wanted to see me you would have by now, even for five minutes. I feel like I’m doing all the communicating but I’m just speaking to myself. This is very confusing to me. If you met someone else or you got back with your wife or whatever just tell me. This is what happened to (another friend) when she went on vacation and came back to somebody that stopped communicating with her. Then he proceeded to dump her. Is this what you’re doing?”

So far, NO RESPONSE.

(The following morning, I awoke to a text message of him breaking up with me without any actual explanation.)

So what was I not seeing here? Obviously, I felt something was wrong, but if anyone understood how close we were, it still doesn’t make sense to me that it happened this way.

Another Dream About an Ex

I was looking through old emails, and I’d written to a friend that I had had a dream about OC last November. I didn’t remember it until now. But the ending was very similar to my most recent one. It went like this:

I was with other people that I don’t remember and there were another couple of guys off to the side of the group doing coke. One was bald and I thought it was OC with a shaved head, and I was like wow he’s doing coke? – but it wasn’t him. Then OC came along and I went searching for him throughout this house and back area of the house.

We ended up sharing a chair or couch or something and talked. I asked him what happened to our relationship, and he said he doesn’t know, but nothing in his life was going right at the time except us so he wasn’t sure what he was doing. He was very affectionate with me like we used to be, but I wanted to be careful he wasn’t playing around. Then at some point I thought he went to the bathroom or something, and he was gone. Just disappeared.

I was asking around and some larger girl started saying something about another girl “crazy (whatever the name was)” and I said, “He was seeing someone? When?” And then I wasn’t even sure she was talking about OC at all, because it didn’t sound like anything he would do – like go to the mall and shopping, buying gifts, etc. The other girl was super rail thin skinny and had short blonde hair. I remember thinking is this what he likes?? But I wasn’t even sure the girl was talking about OC or someone else. Then I woke up.

Another Lonely Holiday for the 4th

(**I’m a little rambly today… didn’t sleep well last night.)

I’m stuck at work today. I mostly work alone, and combined with the personal part of my life in which I am alone often, it just seems like I’m shut out from the world. My family rarely gets together except for (sometimes) Thanksgiving, Christmas, and maybe Mother’s Day. My friends all either have boyfriends or families they’re spending time with. However, I may visit some married friends later. But being the third wheel is no fun.

Weekends and holidays are a stark reminder that I’m a single middle-aged woman, and by societal standards, it can be tough. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m alone so much and have been for so long that I’ll end up unable to have any sort of relationship, because maybe I just won’t know how. I go places and see couples and families together all of the time. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have anyone I can share my time with. While I do like my space and freedom, it would be really nice to have a partner for these occasions and to do other fun things. But being alone nearly 24/7 doesn’t seem healthy.

The other day I was reminded in an article that people in relationships live longer, are healthier and happier, have a sense of purpose, and have a reduced risk for dementia. At this rate, I suppose I’ll be dead in 15 years (joking…). But then I started searching for other topics – positive ones – about how being single can be healthier. I suppose it’s all about who you choose to be with, because an unhealthy relationship can cause irreparable damage.

I’m not living the life that I’ve always dreamed about. Not only am I just single; I’m fucking broke. The two do not go hand in hand whatsoever. I’ve been working multiple jobs, some get canceled unexpectedly, and I’ve had some major expenses over the years that I’ve been unable to catch up with. Being broke makes me anxious, makes me worry, makes me lose sleep, increases pain, and obviously doesn’t enable me to travel and do the things I want to do. I know I have to get another job that pays me better and makes me happier… finding it is another story.

Guest Blogger: Date With Bubba

Submitted by Anonymous: 

This is about a redneck guy I dated as a teen. He came over to pick me up for dinner in his old bubba truck. First impression was when Bubba yelled at my little niece and nephew that ran too close to his truck. Then when we went out, he drove through several steak house parking lots, kept saying they were too full. It was about 8 at night and I was starving. I finally said to him, “How about Burger King?” So he drove straight over. Maybe that’s what he was hoping anyway. We ate, and he took me home.

Later that week Bubba called me and tried to convince me that I wasn’t a woman until I loosen up a bit and have sex. Still a virgin, I held my ground and said that I was waiting until marriage. But we planned a second date.

Bubba was supposed to meet me at the ice rink as a skating date. Two hours roll by and still no Bubba. My other guy friend saw that I was upset and asked what was going on. He let me use his cell phone to call Bubba. I surprised him with that random phone number, because he picked up, said hello. Then when I asked where he was, he was breathing hard and hung up. My guy friend called again and Bubba shut off his phone. I never saw him again.

Last I heard about Bubba, he was in trouble with the law for beating he shit out of someone with a hockey stick.

Life is Hard Enough Without Your Bullshit

Shortly after my heartbreak with OC last year, I met and made out with a guy that I somewhat connected with. Nothing ever came of it, because I found out he was back with his ex – and apparently, they break up and get back together often. This has been going on for about five years with them, but I had no idea at the time. For whatever reason, he chose to tell his ex about our encounter, so suddenly I’m a whore and a slut, according to her. Whatthefuckever.

Last week I ran into this guy again, and again, they’d broken up… “She’s psycho, etc.”… same old story from these guys. I have no issue speaking to him, because we have common things to discuss, and we followed each other on Instagram. No biggie. We said goodbye and parted ways.

Less than an hour after that encounter, I got bombarded with messages via Instagram from his ex telling me they are not over and he’s a liar and to stay out of their lives. Say what??? She was obviously “stalking” his Instagram to see who he’s following or whatever. I always take the “my ex is a psycho” phrase with a grain of salt, but this was truly crazy. She went on to say they weren’t done the last time we were talking and then proceeded to tell me he has genital warts. Nice. I told her I have no idea what she’s talking about… and gross… and have fun with your lives. I told her this is ridiculous middle school bullshit and stop contacting me. And then I had to block her.

Whether or not he lied to her or me or whomever – I don’t care. I don’t have feelings for this person and have zero intention of even hanging out with him again. But I will speak to whoever the hell I want to speak to.

I took screenshots of everything and sent it to him, to which he replied, “I told you she’s psycho.” I said, “Well who is more psycho? You keep going back to her. I’m sure you’ll be back within 24 hours. Have fun with your genital whatever you both have now.” Thankfully, I can’t catch anything from talking to him or following on social media!

Dreaming About an Ex

This morning I awoke to a dream that felt completely real. What sucks about it is that it’s been nearly a year that I broke up with Orange Crush, and I still see him around. I still think about him, even though I try not to, but thanks to those goddamn Facebook memories, it reminds me of all of the time we spent together last year. So dreaming this brought back the feelings I had and have been trying to brush off and move on.

In the dream, OC and I were both at the same place where something was going on, but I can’t remember what exactly. He was with his regular crew of guys. I’m not sure if I was alone or with friends. We made eye contact, and he came over and sat next to me. He held my hand and looked at me the way he used to, but never said a word. All of the feelings I had had for him came back. I felt as if we picked up where we left off. In some part of the dream, people were being called up by name to do something. I cannot remember what it was about, maybe an interview or something along those lines. My name was called and I had to go, but when I came back, OC was gone. I remember being very disappointed and looking for him. There was no sign of him, and then I woke up.

Being that today is a shitty weather day, it just compounded some of my open wounds, because now I’m stuck inside alone again. Doing my best to keep busy with art and writing projects and listening to funny things or happy music… but I’m still finding myself crying off and on throughout the day. I fucking hate this, and I’m beginning to feel pretty pathetic that I still haven’t gotten over this guy. I was so happy being with him, and it all just ended so abruptly. I just want those happy feelings again.