Valentine’s Day is here and you’re single. So what? For singles that dread this day of phony love, V-Day is just another reminder of those horrible, yet unforgettable, relationshits (type-o deliberate).
Sometimes, old relationships linger in minds forever, stabbing at the corners of brains, causing fear of even the most prospective future mates. While there are probably too many to name, everyone can probably identify with these few types of (pri)mates: Sponge, Leech, Casanova, and Hang-Man.
Sponge is the one that calls on occasion – usually when he has nothing better to do, needs a ride, money, or any kind of help or service that you are ready to provide. This person tells you everything you want to hear until he absorbs everything from your wallet, your sex drive, your convenience, and your soul. When you finally take off the blinders and see how things truly are, it’s usually too late. Sponge has absorbed your life – and you are left a hard, dried up brillo pad.
Leech is a parasitic creature that won’t go away. At first, he appears to be a really nice person and makes a great friend, so you give him the benefit of any doubt – and your phone number. Leech destroys all of your hopes of ever finding anyone else because he won’t leave you alone – he shows up at parties, at your work, during a girls’ night out. Because he’s always hanging around, people think you and Leech are together – and that’s what he tells them. You avoid his calls, his Facebook messages, his 450 texts over a two-day period – but Leech still doesn’t get it. The Leech is also known as the Stalker.
Everyone has heard of Casanova. He’s the one that makes you feel like the sexiest person alive. He usually dashes in like a thief in the night, takes your breath away, and tells you everything that dreams are made of. You are sure he is THE ONE. After your exquisite evening together, Casanova is never heard from again. You make excuses for him – like maybe he lost your number or maybe he’s just busy. Nope, not at all. That is just the way this creature works. Casanova isn’t seen or heard from again until you bump into him at a club – locking lips with another victim. Casanova is another name for man-whore.
How many of us have heard of Hang-Man? I’m not talking about the kid’s game, although this guy likes to play waiting games. He hangs out with you at his own convenience, but never seems to make real plans. You wait and wait for Hang-Man to make decisions, whether it be from what you’re planning to do over the weekend to what you want to eat for dinner. No matter what, Hang-Man always keep you hanging and wondering. Ranging from being consistently late to standing you up completely, Hang-Man acts as if you’re supposed to wait for his superior ass self. Hang-Man is probably keeping you waiting at this very moment.
There is one thing in common with all of these characters, besides the fact that they self-centered, arrogant, selfish people out for their own interests – they are each the types of men you can learn to easily avoid. Do yourself a favor – your dignity is worth more than any of these creatures and their false hopes – so don’t find yourself in a relationshit on Valentine’s Day!
Instead, order some sushi, sit in the tub and cuddle up with your pet – the one who really does love you.