How I Lost My Virginity

This is probably going to be somewhat disturbing to some readers, so this is fair warning.

When I was 16, I worked with a guy that went to my school. For about a year he begged me to date him, but I wasn’t interested. Eventually, I gave in to him and he was my “first love” so to speak. He had a car, so we’d sneak off and park in wooded areas or parks to make out and have sex.

One night when I was babysitting he came to the house. We were on the living room floor (the person I was babysitting for was in her room asleep by then) making out. He was acting like an asshole, which was typical of him anyway, but here’s where this gets disturbing… All of the times I thought we were having sex, he wasn’t actually inside of me. I think maybe the tip was, but he’d never actually put himself entirely inside of me. I was that naive and inexperienced. I was on top of him, but he was much stronger than me. He held me against him and shoved himself inside of me without warning. It was excruciating!! I tried to get off of him, but he held me tightly against him. I told him he was hurting me, but he didn’t care. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I didn’t want to scream or wake up anyone, so I bit him on the shoulder, because it was the only thing to make him stop. Then he hit me and called me a bitch.

I was so confused. Here I was with this person that I “loved” that didn’t care he was hurting me. I didn’t know at the time whether or not to consider that this was on the cusp of being raped.

I didn’t stay with him much longer after that – he ended up cheating on me and physically abusing her.

 

Taking a new turn – a brain dump and secrets

originalI have decided that relationships are not for me. I can either have a career or a relationship, but not both. When I put my all into something, it’s 100%. I cannot juggle both things and make everyone happy. Not even myself, because at some point my passion is being extinguished by the demands of domestication.

The last time I gave up my income/job/career over a relationship (marriage), I ended up screwing myself. Big time. I can never allow myself to do that again. And now I am starting over – again. Quite frankly, I have grown tired of starting over. The instability is tiring.

Yesterday was the first day I sat down and wrote – something I hadn’t done in quite some time. Pages and pages of handwritten shit flying out of my mind onto yellow lined paper. Poetry, prose, thoughts. I guess you could say my brain took a dump – lots of shit was piled up inside my head… shit that I didn’t even know was there. I had pent up my feelings to no avail for going on close to two years.

How did I manage to last this long? Alcohol. Lots and lots of it. And no, I’m not proud. I have secrets. Lots and lots of them. Only a few select friends that understand me know about them.

My writing is taking a new turn – more for adults at this point. I have lots and lots of things to share that I wouldn’t normally dare to share with anyone… all about relationships and sex. Sordid details. Stay tuned.