A Failed Lunch Date with Mr. Retired Military

Please pay the bill so I can leave. 

Someone I’d started talking to on Tinder about a year ago disappeared until recently. This time, I saw him on Bumble looking for a long-term relationship. Retired military. Similar interests. A couple of years older than me. We agreed to finally meet in person for lunch and possibly the beach afterwards. I decided to basically dress in beach wear, which included a tank top and shorts over my bathing suit. I certainly wasn’t dressed to impressed, but if a man is going to like me, he’d better learn I don’t like to wear much makeup or get all fancy just to eat lunch.

He arrived before me, had ordered a beer. Within 30 seconds of meeting, I knew immediately that it wasn’t going to work. He was definitely not into me whatsoever. He didn’t look me in the face when he spoke, which is a huge indicator of low self-esteem and possibly deception. During the entire conversation, he never asked me a thing about myself except if I had kids or not. He spoke entirely about himself, the women he’s dated over the past several months, the threesome with some 20-something year olds, his sex drive, and he made inappropriate comments about other women that came into the restaurant.

For example, he made a comment about a young woman (probably in her early 20s) that she was super skinny. Another comment he made about a different young woman (also probably 20s) that her ass was too narrow. I reminded him of her age and told him she’s proportional. It was quite irritating to be on a “date” with someone making these comments, all the while I’m wondering what he’s judging on my own body. But I really didn’t give a shit, since I know nothing is perfect when you’re 45, and without surgery, it’s not going to get any better! I sat there thinking I can’t wait for this date to end.

The conversation went to health issues, of which he has some major stuff going on. He told me all about his prostate and other issues with his ballsack, so I decided fair game and began talking about my period. That shut him up really quick.

Then he started telling me all about his crazy ex-girlfriend (apparently, her social media still has “in a relationship” with him and a lot of their photos) and another woman he dated… said she was crazy, even had those “crazy eyes” that his friends warned him about. He showed me a photo of them together, which I thought was tacky as shit, but yes she did have those crazy eyes. I asked how long ago they dated, and here’s where it gets interesting. They met at the very end of December. Now this is only the middle of February, so obviously they didn’t last long and he’s already back on the dating sites. Oh and did I forget to mention the many chicks that spend the night on the boat he lives on and the ones he hooks up with at his favorite bar? Classy!

After about a two-hour lunch, he was checking his phone and texting his friends that wanted him to meet them downtown to go drinking. A few minutes later he tells me he’s going to go. I was still sitting there with half of a beer left thinking how rude of him!! He actually left me sitting there at a table by myself, so I gritted my teeth, shook my head, and walked up to the bar and had a nice conversation with the bartender about what a douche my date was.

Later that evening, Mr. Retired Military texted me that he was back at his boat, and he could fall asleep. I replied, “I bet,” to which he replied, “You can come sleep also.”

Me: Yeah I will at my house.
Him: Good choice.
Me: I know boundaries. Plus I already know you’re not interested in me whatsoever.

No reply. Douche.

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