A Date with King Nothing

(**As I write this, I can’t help but sing Metallica’s “King Nothing” in my head.)

I met King Nothing a few months ago on Tinder; he seemed like he might be a good match. Seemed is the key word here. While we had a lot in common and he was within my preferable age range, he claimed he’d been single for a over a year and had been living alone for a year. Initially, I thought he’d said he had been married 13 years, but it turns out I didn’t hear him correctly. It was 23 years – big difference when someone has only been single for a year! And technically, he is still not divorced, but the paperwork has been filed – all part of my “just say no” rules. He assured me that he was definitely over his ex and had already rebounded. Still, my guard was up, because I’d dealt with this too many times before.

King Nothing was in touch with me for a few days and then seemed to have fallen off the earth. When he finally contacted me, he’d said his dad had just died, so we met out to talk about it. I figured he was going through a lot between that and the divorce, so being friends won’t be an issue. We kept in touch a few more weeks, but I left him alone to let him grieve and contact me when he was ready.

I’m very up front about what I want when I’m dating. Not only do I put it on my online dating profiles, I tell people to their faces “this is what I’m looking for,” so there should be no misunderstandings. But bad listeners or narcissists don’t give a rat’s ass one way or another. I was hearing from King Nothing so sporadically and inconsistently, I reminded him that I am looking for something substantial, not just someone randomly texting me when he’s bored and definitely not a booty call. If friendship was all it was going to be, it also has to work both ways. At this point, we hadn’t even kissed anyway, but I didn’t want to invest time with anyone that has no intention of moving forward. And I certainly don’t want to be dating someone that’s screwing around with other women.

Eventually, King Nothing asked me on a “real” date to his house where he was cooking dinner. This was actually shocking; I hadn’t had a man cook me a meal in three years! When I arrived at his house, I was even more shocked, because the place was beautiful and in a prime waterfront location, and I’d only seen the place from the outside. Dinner was good, and conversation was good, even though I’d heard more than enough about his “psycho” ex and all of their problems… another red flag, especially the “psycho ex” that I want no part of. I told him I was going to start charging him $2/minute every time he brought her up, because it was all he talked about each time we got together. We had some drinks, we kissed. I stayed the night so I didn’t have to drive home buzzed, but no sex. I wanted to be sure this guy really liked me and wasn’t playing games.

Again, after the date, I’d hear from King Nothing about every other week. This was a pattern that I knew all too well. I felt I was probably being played, he’s probably dating multiple women with no intention of settling down and moving on. It turns out I was right.

The last time I heard from King Nothing, he asked what I was doing. Since it had been raining nonstop, I replied that I was about to bang my head against the wall with all of the rain and being stuck inside. He replied, “Do you want to bang something else?” I told him I wasn’t interested in being someone’s booty call. He told me to get a sense of humor. I told him I already had one, and that was the last time I heard from him.

So why did I name him King Nothing? He refers to himself on social media as an alpha male (who I also suspect is easily pussy whipped) and a King (capitalized). Then I found out that while King Nothing was “busy” and “dealing with things” during all of those times I wasn’t hearing from him, he’d been consistently seeing and sleeping with other women around town. And not just one or two – several. I had suspected something, but not that. Does he think he’s the King of Women? More like the King of Drama and Bullshit. I had to move on from this guy. If someone is going to be calling himself a King, he’d better damn well know how to treat a lady like a Queen. Where’s your crown, King Nothing?

Nonconsensual Sex with a Partner?

Recently, I had a conversation with some female friends about how annoying it is when we’re asleep, and our partner wakes us up to have sex. Not just wakes us, but wakes us up out of a dead sleep, rubbing us, poking us, or whatever it takes to get our attention – even if it means flipping us around to gain entrance – even when we push them away. All of us agreed that it’s not only annoying, it pisses us off – and it’s disturbing. If a man thinks his penis is more important than our need for sleep and consent, something is seriously wrong with him. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other or how long you’ve been together.

I do know this, however – our culture has raised women to believe we owe the man something just because he’s our partner or maybe because he took us on a few dates. Not only our culture, but religions that tell its followers that a woman must keep her man satisfied, even if it makes her unhappy. It’s total bullshit. I personally know women that have given in to a man’s wishes just to shut him up, satisfy him, keep him happy, etc. I’m sure some women reading this have done the same; I have been just as guilty in the past. Turn the tables around, and if a man doesn’t want sex, he’s just not going to have it. Period.

Personally, I think it’s “rapey” for a man to do these things. One friend said it’s not “rapey” – it’s just rape. It’s disgusting. Another friend said this:

“Such a man has no respect for his partner. He’s selfish and only thinks of his own desires. Nobody owes anyone else sex – ever. Fullstop. If this guy is so horny, he can easily go to another room and take care of his own problem without disturbing his sleeping partner. Where are these guys learning about intimate relationships, porn?”

Another woman’s opinion:

“He can take care of himself in the bathroom. Know my answer would have been different when I was young, but at this point not doing anything that I’m not into.”

From a friend that has dealt with the same issue:

“My ex used to do that to the point that eventually he bent me over and had his way while i was out in my studio and took what he wanted anyway. Its called nonconsensual sex. It should NEVER happen and a real man would get that.”

Try to get a man to do something he doesn’t want to do – and I’m not talking about mowing the lawn or fixing the toilet – and it’s not going to happen. So why is it okay for some men to think it’s okay to wake a sleeping partner for their own selfish gratification or demand something from women they supposedly like or love to satisfy their wants? It’s barbaric and gross – and men need to be taught that women are humans, not objects for their worldly desires.

Depressed or Just Changing?

Having suffered from depression since I was a child, I absolutely know how to recognize the signs. Sometimes I notice I get more depressed when I’m not eating properly or working out the way I should. But I also get depressed from circumstances out of my control. When it comes to my own life and things I have no control over, I get really down on myself and hopeless. So yeah – I can sit back and let things flow – but in reality, that doesn’t always work.

After trying so many things and either failing or giving up out of boredom or just knowing something isn’t right for me, I’m not even sure which direction to go. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to get there. Just getting to where I am now – which to me, doesn’t seem like I’ve gone far at all the past five years – feels like I’m constantly trudging through mud. Every single thing that I have worked on hasn’t worked out (except where I live so far). I have stopped planning and stopped setting goals altogether, because in the big picture, it all seems unattainable and unicorn dreaming. Been there, done that.

I get so frustrated sometimes when all I do is work towards something only to have it work in the opposite direction or have it taken away. Several years ago, I was meditating and attempting to manifest all of these wonderful things I wanted in my life. The problem was, I was still married at the time, and when you have someone else in the picture not on the same page, all of that manifesting work can be lost. The years I’d spent trying to gain a better life were wasted on someone else undoing them. Talk about feeling totally fucked by the Universe. I feel as if I am unable to lift myself back up and trust again.

And I am completely aware that I’m going through life changes – emotionally and physically. At this point, I have zero motivation to do anything except be a hermit. I have distanced myself from people that don’t interest me; I have also distanced myself from most people altogether as of late. I stay at home a lot, probably because we’ve had nothing but rain every single day, and I’m an outdoors person. I can see changes in my body that I’m not liking at all, which in our society, is hell on a woman. Right now, I can honestly say that I’ve been depressed for the past several years – even while I was still married. Not 100% of the time, but most of it – more than half for certain. I’m unhappy with my job, my finances, and my nonexistent love life. I worked really hard at all of these things my entire life, only to just fall back to zero. Last year I attempted to get counseling through the VA, but they’re pretty screwed up and canceled all of my appointments and didn’t even have a record of me attending the first and only appointment, so I gave up. Off and on for several months, I’ve been in a lot of pain. That certainly doesn’t help with depression either.

For the past several weeks, I haven’t wanted to be around people or do anything social, which is a bit unlike my normal self. I’m alone much of the time, which is fine but not all of the time. It always helps when I’m around friends or at least one person I can talk to, even if it’s just on the phone. I have reached out to people, and I feel ignored. I’m the type of person that always has an open ear to a friend, but I can’t say I’m getting the same in return. I only want to spend time with people that bring light into my life and are true and understanding, which for whatever reason, seems so difficult to find. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere in any group situation, but I also feel like I don’t shine. My regular job isn’t stimulating and pays next to nothing, so that doesn’t help my circumstances. I’ve been working on changing that as well. I have more than one job – none of which make me want to sing and dance. I’m just tired of it all.

When I’m happy, I sing and I dance. And that’s been a long time. All I want is to feel good again, to feel happy, to feel wanted and loved… to sing and dance again.