Another Brain Dump

(**I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.)

I’ve been thinking about so many things, I cannot concentrate on just one. My mind is racing, my anxiety is high – and combined with depression, it doesn’t feel very good at all. It increases the insomnia, which makes me irritable from not getting enough rest, and my appetite gets out of whack. All of this makes me unable to focus and think straight. My hormones are changing, making me feel stupid and weepy and like the stereotypical woman on her monthly. I think combining that with everything else – along with my strong convictions – makes me unapproachable. (Not that I want to be approached at this point anyway.)

Since it’s been raining and I haven’t been going out at all, I’ve been sitting outside on my back porch fighting the annoying bugs and listening to the rain on the tin roof… thinking about all of the bullshit – and at the same time trying not to. This rain is definitely increasing my depression. I need sunlight, and lots of it, in order to feel better – probably why I always liked summers more than any other season.

The rain is mesmerizing, a steady pulsing beat surrounding me. I can feel the uncomfortably hard PVC pipes through the thin cushion against my back and ass and legs. No wonder this set was so cheap on Craigslist. It fucking hurts, makes me squirm and switch positions constantly, like a kid in adult church.

I guess all of my friends are with their significant others or maybe out with friends and family. If I don’t take myself out, I guess the porch is my Friday night hangout… an extension of my home yet still outdoors. How I would love to have someone to share it with. Wishful thinking.

I know what I want to do for a living – something I have always loved and still do but don’t get paid. I want to write, but I’m not writing some stupid shit for $10 an hour for someone else to get rich with my talents. I want to get paid what I deserve. Writing is natural to me, instinctual, therapeutic, and seems to be the only “job” that truly that makes me happy. It’s something I’ve loved doing since I was in third or fourth grade and all through graduation. It’s something I continued doing after high school when I joined the army to become a photojournalist. I loved writing when I went to college; had a 4.0 in all of my English classes and tutored English to other college students. Taught writing as my first public and private teaching jobs. So why am I not getting paid to do it now? I have to figure this out, because it’s probably the only thing that I actually feel confident in despite being told by other people that my writing sucks, lol 😉 …

Not all writing is good. I know I’ve gone back to read things and think… ‘okay that was really boring,’ or ‘that could have been better.’ But with anything in life, once you go back and reanalyze the situation after more gained experience, it’s easier to forgive yourself and give constructive criticism.

F*%k Boys Need Not Apply

I don’t know if it’s because it’s summertime or what, but lately I’ve been hearing from guys I haven’t seen or heard from in months or even years. I’ll get a text and have to ask “who is this?” because after a certain period of time, I delete numbers. All of these have happened within the past two weeks.

The other day I received a text from an unknown number asking how I’ve been the past few months. I ask who it is, he gives me a name but it’s such a common name I still don’t know who it is until he gives me the last name. Then he tells me he’s getting divorced and wants to get together for a beer. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood when I received the message, so I’m like great, another one on the rebound, and I’ll get to hear about all of his problems like the rest. All the while, I’m wondering how many other women he’s texting the same thing to. He’s never done anything wrong to me; I’m just over the bullshit with these newly single men.

Also last week, I received a text from someone I hadn’t seen in four years. Four years!! He was from my divorce days when I was into the younger men scene. I recalled all of his texting from back then and how he led me on that we were going to go on a date that evening and suddenly ghosted me – so I reminded him of that. Claiming he is in a different frame of mind now and back to being single, he is looking for something real. I reminded him that our age difference isn’t going to make anything real, and I pretty much know what this is about. His pattern is this: he texts randomly, stops texting or answering questions, then a few days or a week later I’ll hear from him. Then the pattern repeats. We never actually get together, just texting. Who has time for that bullshit? Such a waste of time just chatting about nothing.

Someone I’d met a couple of months ago and never get together in person with also randomly texts me at odd hours… like at 7am – saying things like “I woke up thinking about you today,” which to me, translates to: “I woke up with a hard-on.” I can immediately tell by his texts he wants to sext – but I’m not buying into it. This guy is one of my friend’s neighbors, and we have already determined he’s a player. I know for a fact that he had already texted two other women dick pics and a jerkoff video, so that’s obviously what he’s about. In one day, his texting went from how much he wanted me sexually and kissy faces to complete insults because I told him I didn’t have time to text him morning and night. He insinuated that I didn’t have a “real career” (whatever that means – coming from a spoiled brat) and called me rude for saying I couldn’t text him all the time, then just turned the whole thing around on me. I was at my friend’s house (his neighbor) when this occurred, so we were quite entertained by it all. I said, “Feel free to send me a jerkoff vid or dick pic,” to which he replied that I was a bitch, and “ho be old and drunk”. Suddenly, I was an old drunk ho because I’m too smart to play into his bullshit, but I wasn’t an old drunk ho when he talked about wanting his dick sucked earlier in the day. Just another fuckboy I had to block.

Another guy that texted me recently is someone I’ve known since elementary school. He’s a cop that I don’t trust in the dating realm, and every few months or so he asks what I’m doing, if I’m out, if I’m awake, etc. He also calls me nicknames that I don’t appreciate, and I’ve told him so. Names like “sugar pants” – which I think is completely demeaning and sounds more like a sugar baby hooker or something. Or he calls me names like “trouble” – which is also insulting, because I am not that either. I’ve told him I will answer him when he can call me by my actual name or nothing at all. And he still doesn’t get it.

I just save up all of these texts from fuckboys and use them for blogging material, because that’s about all they’re really worth anyway. Soon, I may be posting some stories from other women friends, because it seems like everyone has some awful dating experience to share.

A Run-In with King Nothing

Over the weekend, our town had a yearly event that my girlfriend and I went to. As soon as we walked into our first stop, King Nothing was standing there. I pretended I didn’t see him, but he purposely bumped into me. I wasn’t sure whether to hit him or twist his nipple (he wasn’t wearing a shirt), but I stopped myself and moved along. (He was the only person in the place not wearing a shirt, which made him look like a complete douche, but he thought he was hot shit.) The only thought that occurred to me after our last exchange was, does he really think I’m going to give into his bullshit? Maybe that’s what other women have done with him, but this one won’t.

As my friend and I were wandering around the place, King Nothing kept showing up near me, and I kept ignoring him… until I felt water on me. I turned around and saw that KN had a squirt gun and thought he was being cute squirting me over and over and over. My friend and I were about to leave anyway, but I thought what a perfect opportunity to dump out the end of my warm beer. As we turned to leave the place, KN was about 5 feet in front of me squirting away. I threw the rest of my beer on his chest, and the surprise on his face was priceless. Everyone else around laughed their asses off, which I’m certain embarrassed his king alpha status. He didn’t look very happy that his king alpha status had been succeeded by a woman.

In the meantime, we exchanged some text messages. Of course, I told him like it is, and he called me psycho. I let him know that’s a typical response from a guy that can’t have his way with me and knows that I’m right… and I’m the QUEEN of that. I haven’t heard back from him since. No big deal. I’m sure I’ll run into him again trying to impress a lady or two or four around town. Maybe next time he sees me he’ll put his tail between his legs where it belongs.

Dodging a Bullet After Dating Mr. Volatile

I met Mr. Volatile when I went kayaking one day and got stuck in a rainstorm. His friend offered to help me out, and they had kids with them, so I felt safe enough. Plus, there were plenty of people around. Mr. Volatile was on his best behavior at the time, and it turned out he was 51, never married, and no kids. That should probably have been clue number one.

Mr. Volatile invited me to go boating the following day and the day after that, and another day we went to the beach. His friend was still in town, so I did notice the dynamic changed once his friend left. He had to look up something on his laptop, and when he opened it, porn came up. He blamed his friend, and I called him out on his bullshit.

By the third date, he kissed me for the first time… it was just okay. I was having fun hanging out and spending time with someone new. We had discussed some dating stories and knew some of the people. He knew King Nothing, but they weren’t friends. (In fact, he’s the one that told me about King Nothing and his harem of women.) But I also noticed when we were alone, he barely talked to me. He was on his phone the entire time we went to a nude beach one day. He didn’t even look at me, which I thought was odd, but he seemed very comfortable being butt naked in public. And when he got up from lying on his stomach, he had a hard on (which I also later confronted him about, and he denied it). He obviously didn’t get it from looking at me.

Some of the things about Mr. Volatile that seemed bizarre were: he only worked 3-4 days a month, there were no family photos or anything at all on the walls of his house, and all of his dishes and cups were plastic. He said he was a reserve pilot working a few days a month, but that doesn’t explain how he affords to live the way he does. I went to make food one evening and asked where his glasses and dishes were, because all I found was plastic. He said someone broke a glass on the tile once and it was such a mess to clean up that he got rid of all of the glass in the kitchen. Mmmkay. Oh, and did I mention he drove a windowless “kidnap” van?

I noticed a change in attitude and personality with Mr. Volatile when he was constantly watching Fox News and yelling about how great our horrible president is. I should have run away then. I also noticed that anytime I expressed an opinion, I was wrong and my opinion didn’t matter. And when I would suggest anything, he rejected. Looking back, I think I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells with this guy.

On the very last date, I was near his house and asked if he needed help with something he was doing. He said he might need help getting rid of “this girl” (also, he referred to all women as “girls”) that stopped by his house that was crying about her boyfriend breaking up with her. I was curious as to what this was about and who this “girl” was, but by the time I arrived, she’d left. Mr. Volatile then said he was hungry and suggested getting something to eat. I wasn’t dressed for anything too nice, and he has to give me notice to get ready for certain places, because I wasn’t about to go in my beach clothes to a nice restaurant. His response was bitchy toned: “I don’t make plans. I just go.” I said well a couple of hours notice would be helpful, to which he replied like I was asking too much, “No! I don’t do that. I don’t make plans! You women always take so long.” What. The. Fuck. I should have just left, but I was hungry.

We ended up going to a place he’d never been, but I had. I sat there trying to have an adult conversation while I could tell he wasn’t listening to a word I said and was too busy looking at every other woman’s ass. I stopped mid sentence, because I was annoyed. I also called him out on it, and he denied it, of course. After dinner he wanted to go to a bar that I didn’t care to go to. I’d been up since early that morning, had worked all day, went to the beach after work, and by then it was getting late. The last thing I wanted was to go to a bar that I don’t even like, but he said just a drink and see the band. Okay.

We walked to the bar, and immediately King Nothing is standing there with another woman, and they’re all over each other. Great. This was literally ON the day I posted the blog about him. I gave him the middle finger and kept walking. Then Mr. Volatile kept pointing out King Nothing being there and referring to him as my boyfriend, which was really fucking annoying… and he was acting really jealous. I reminded him that we went on three dates, and that I just don’t like being lied to and played, because he wasted my time that could have been spent doing something (or someone) better. I walked up to the bartender to get a drink… and paid for it myself. Mr. Volatile spent most of the time walking around, talking to other people, and leaving me behind. I told him I could tell that he was NOT into me at all… he denied it. So basically, I was nearly by myself at a bar that I didn’t want to be at buying my own drinks. Then about an hour or so later, Mr. Volatile disappeared. I texted him asking where he went, but he never answered me. He had actually left me there and went home!! I realized later that my text messages turned green, which meant that he’d blocked me from contact. The fucking nerve! I had to walk alone back to his house in the dark to get my car, and when I arrived, all of his lights were off and he had set my cooler by my driver’s side door. What. The. Fuck.

I should have done it sooner, because one of my friends is Mr. Volatile’s neighbor, so I asked her if she knew him. (Previously, he denied knowing her.) She said yes, he’s volatile and basically, none of the neighbors like him, because he’s so rude and nasty to people. Her husband says hello when Mr. Volatile walks by, and he just turns his head. Wow.

Two days after Mr. Volatile showed his true colors, I was at the beach with a girlfriend and had been telling her the entire story. He drove by in his kidnap van and smiled and waved, as if we were best buddies. What. The. Fuck. I don’t know if he realized it was me or what. I saw him again the following day but pretended I didn’t. I saw him again last night walking down the street with a woman and a kid. Good luck to her!

One thing I’ve noticed with these guys that can’t say goodbye or be an adult is that they block me when I call them out on their bullshit. Every time! But I guess I dodged a bullet with that volatile asshole. Next!

A Date with King Nothing

(**As I write this, I can’t help but sing Metallica’s “King Nothing” in my head.)

I met King Nothing a few months ago on Tinder; he seemed like he might be a good match. Seemed is the key word here. While we had a lot in common and he was within my preferable age range, he claimed he’d been single for a over a year and had been living alone for a year. Initially, I thought he’d said he had been married 13 years, but it turns out I didn’t hear him correctly. It was 23 years – big difference when someone has only been single for a year! And technically, he is still not divorced, but the paperwork has been filed – all part of my “just say no” rules. He assured me that he was definitely over his ex and had already rebounded. Still, my guard was up, because I’d dealt with this too many times before.

King Nothing was in touch with me for a few days and then seemed to have fallen off the earth. When he finally contacted me, he’d said his dad had just died, so we met out to talk about it. I figured he was going through a lot between that and the divorce, so being friends won’t be an issue. We kept in touch a few more weeks, but I left him alone to let him grieve and contact me when he was ready.

I’m very up front about what I want when I’m dating. Not only do I put it on my online dating profiles, I tell people to their faces “this is what I’m looking for,” so there should be no misunderstandings. But bad listeners or narcissists don’t give a rat’s ass one way or another. I was hearing from King Nothing so sporadically and inconsistently, I reminded him that I am looking for something substantial, not just someone randomly texting me when he’s bored and definitely not a booty call. If friendship was all it was going to be, it also has to work both ways. At this point, we hadn’t even kissed anyway, but I didn’t want to invest time with anyone that has no intention of moving forward. And I certainly don’t want to be dating someone that’s screwing around with other women.

Eventually, King Nothing asked me on a “real” date to his house where he was cooking dinner. This was actually shocking; I hadn’t had a man cook me a meal in three years! When I arrived at his house, I was even more shocked, because the place was beautiful and in a prime waterfront location, and I’d only seen the place from the outside. Dinner was good, and conversation was good, even though I’d heard more than enough about his “psycho” ex and all of their problems… another red flag, especially the “psycho ex” that I want no part of. I told him I was going to start charging him $2/minute every time he brought her up, because it was all he talked about each time we got together. We had some drinks, we kissed. I stayed the night so I didn’t have to drive home buzzed, but no sex. I wanted to be sure this guy really liked me and wasn’t playing games.

Again, after the date, I’d hear from King Nothing about every other week. This was a pattern that I knew all too well. I felt I was probably being played, he’s probably dating multiple women with no intention of settling down and moving on. It turns out I was right.

The last time I heard from King Nothing, he asked what I was doing. Since it had been raining nonstop, I replied that I was about to bang my head against the wall with all of the rain and being stuck inside. He replied, “Do you want to bang something else?” I told him I wasn’t interested in being someone’s booty call. He told me to get a sense of humor. I told him I already had one, and that was the last time I heard from him.

So why did I name him King Nothing? He refers to himself on social media as an alpha male (who I also suspect is easily pussy whipped) and a King (capitalized). Then I found out that while King Nothing was “busy” and “dealing with things” during all of those times I wasn’t hearing from him, he’d been consistently seeing and sleeping with other women around town. And not just one or two – several. I had suspected something, but not that. Does he think he’s the King of Women? More like the King of Drama and Bullshit. I had to move on from this guy. If someone is going to be calling himself a King, he’d better damn well know how to treat a lady like a Queen. Where’s your crown, King Nothing?

Nonconsensual Sex with a Partner?

Recently, I had a conversation with some female friends about how annoying it is when we’re asleep, and our partner wakes us up to have sex. Not just wakes us, but wakes us up out of a dead sleep, rubbing us, poking us, or whatever it takes to get our attention – even if it means flipping us around to gain entrance – even when we push them away. All of us agreed that it’s not only annoying, it pisses us off – and it’s disturbing. If a man thinks his penis is more important than our need for sleep and consent, something is seriously wrong with him. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other or how long you’ve been together.

I do know this, however – our culture has raised women to believe we owe the man something just because he’s our partner or maybe because he took us on a few dates. Not only our culture, but religions that tell its followers that a woman must keep her man satisfied, even if it makes her unhappy. It’s total bullshit. I personally know women that have given in to a man’s wishes just to shut him up, satisfy him, keep him happy, etc. I’m sure some women reading this have done the same; I have been just as guilty in the past. Turn the tables around, and if a man doesn’t want sex, he’s just not going to have it. Period.

Personally, I think it’s “rapey” for a man to do these things. One friend said it’s not “rapey” – it’s just rape. It’s disgusting. Another friend said this:

“Such a man has no respect for his partner. He’s selfish and only thinks of his own desires. Nobody owes anyone else sex – ever. Fullstop. If this guy is so horny, he can easily go to another room and take care of his own problem without disturbing his sleeping partner. Where are these guys learning about intimate relationships, porn?”

Another woman’s opinion:

“He can take care of himself in the bathroom. Know my answer would have been different when I was young, but at this point not doing anything that I’m not into.”

From a friend that has dealt with the same issue:

“My ex used to do that to the point that eventually he bent me over and had his way while i was out in my studio and took what he wanted anyway. Its called nonconsensual sex. It should NEVER happen and a real man would get that.”

Try to get a man to do something he doesn’t want to do – and I’m not talking about mowing the lawn or fixing the toilet – and it’s not going to happen. So why is it okay for some men to think it’s okay to wake a sleeping partner for their own selfish gratification or demand something from women they supposedly like or love to satisfy their wants? It’s barbaric and gross – and men need to be taught that women are humans, not objects for their worldly desires.

Depressed or Just Changing?

Having suffered from depression since I was a child, I absolutely know how to recognize the signs. Sometimes I notice I get more depressed when I’m not eating properly or working out the way I should. But I also get depressed from circumstances out of my control. When it comes to my own life and things I have no control over, I get really down on myself and hopeless. So yeah – I can sit back and let things flow – but in reality, that doesn’t always work.

After trying so many things and either failing or giving up out of boredom or just knowing something isn’t right for me, I’m not even sure which direction to go. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to get there. Just getting to where I am now – which to me, doesn’t seem like I’ve gone far at all the past five years – feels like I’m constantly trudging through mud. Every single thing that I have worked on hasn’t worked out (except where I live so far). I have stopped planning and stopped setting goals altogether, because in the big picture, it all seems unattainable and unicorn dreaming. Been there, done that.

I get so frustrated sometimes when all I do is work towards something only to have it work in the opposite direction or have it taken away. Several years ago, I was meditating and attempting to manifest all of these wonderful things I wanted in my life. The problem was, I was still married at the time, and when you have someone else in the picture not on the same page, all of that manifesting work can be lost. The years I’d spent trying to gain a better life were wasted on someone else undoing them. Talk about feeling totally fucked by the Universe. I feel as if I am unable to lift myself back up and trust again.

And I am completely aware that I’m going through life changes – emotionally and physically. At this point, I have zero motivation to do anything except be a hermit. I have distanced myself from people that don’t interest me; I have also distanced myself from most people altogether as of late. I stay at home a lot, probably because we’ve had nothing but rain every single day, and I’m an outdoors person. I can see changes in my body that I’m not liking at all, which in our society, is hell on a woman. Right now, I can honestly say that I’ve been depressed for the past several years – even while I was still married. Not 100% of the time, but most of it – more than half for certain. I’m unhappy with my job, my finances, and my nonexistent love life. I worked really hard at all of these things my entire life, only to just fall back to zero. Last year I attempted to get counseling through the VA, but they’re pretty screwed up and canceled all of my appointments and didn’t even have a record of me attending the first and only appointment, so I gave up. Off and on for several months, I’ve been in a lot of pain. That certainly doesn’t help with depression either.

For the past several weeks, I haven’t wanted to be around people or do anything social, which is a bit unlike my normal self. I’m alone much of the time, which is fine but not all of the time. It always helps when I’m around friends or at least one person I can talk to, even if it’s just on the phone. I have reached out to people, and I feel ignored. I’m the type of person that always has an open ear to a friend, but I can’t say I’m getting the same in return. I only want to spend time with people that bring light into my life and are true and understanding, which for whatever reason, seems so difficult to find. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere in any group situation, but I also feel like I don’t shine. My regular job isn’t stimulating and pays next to nothing, so that doesn’t help my circumstances. I’ve been working on changing that as well. I have more than one job – none of which make me want to sing and dance. I’m just tired of it all.

When I’m happy, I sing and I dance. And that’s been a long time. All I want is to feel good again, to feel happy, to feel wanted and loved… to sing and dance again.