Nonconsensual Sex with a Partner?

Recently, I had a conversation with some female friends about how annoying it is when we’re asleep, and our partner wakes us up to have sex. Not just wakes us, but wakes us up out of a dead sleep, rubbing us, poking us, or whatever it takes to get our attention – even if it means flipping us around to gain entrance – even when we push them away. All of us agreed that it’s not only annoying, it pisses us off – and it’s disturbing. If a man thinks his penis is more important than our need for sleep and consent, something is seriously wrong with him. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other or how long you’ve been together.

I do know this, however – our culture has raised women to believe we owe the man something just because he’s our partner or maybe because he took us on a few dates. Not only our culture, but religions that tell its followers that a woman must keep her man satisfied, even if it makes her unhappy. It’s total bullshit. I personally know women that have given in to a man’s wishes just to shut him up, satisfy him, keep him happy, etc. I’m sure some women reading this have done the same; I have been just as guilty in the past. Turn the tables around, and if a man doesn’t want sex, he’s just not going to have it. Period.

Personally, I think it’s “rapey” for a man to do these things. One friend said it’s not “rapey” – it’s just rape. It’s disgusting. Another friend said this:

“Such a man has no respect for his partner. He’s selfish and only thinks of his own desires. Nobody owes anyone else sex – ever. Fullstop. If this guy is so horny, he can easily go to another room and take care of his own problem without disturbing his sleeping partner. Where are these guys learning about intimate relationships, porn?”

Another woman’s opinion:

“He can take care of himself in the bathroom. Know my answer would have been different when I was young, but at this point not doing anything that I’m not into.”

From a friend that has dealt with the same issue:

“My ex used to do that to the point that eventually he bent me over and had his way while i was out in my studio and took what he wanted anyway. Its called nonconsensual sex. It should NEVER happen and a real man would get that.”

Try to get a man to do something he doesn’t want to do – and I’m not talking about mowing the lawn or fixing the toilet – and it’s not going to happen. So why is it okay for some men to think it’s okay to wake a sleeping partner for their own selfish gratification or demand something from women they supposedly like or love to satisfy their wants? It’s barbaric and gross – and men need to be taught that women are humans, not objects for their worldly desires.

37 thoughts on “Nonconsensual Sex with a Partner?

  1. I think it goes deeper than just the man being selfish. Certainly it can be a nuisance to be woken up from a deep sleep to just to be compelled to satisfy your man’s sexual need. Maybe once or twice? But if the woman constantly denies, or just lets it happen to get it over with, then what is a man, who (I assume) takes care of your needs (whatever they are) to do when you deny? In that case, is it not the woman who is being selfish?

    Case in point … good friend … married with two kids … the wife says she would like to ‘cool down’ from their frequent sexual episodes. The husband agrees out of love for his wife. But, after years of continual denials (“I’m tired” … “Headache” and the typical excuses) he takes care of himself which the wife ridicules and after a decade he finds a mistress and then she divorces him.

    I submitted the woman was the selfish party.

  2. So being woken up at night for sex makes someone a victim ??

    How is sex selfish ? Its for both people.. I really doubt that most adults have a problem with receiving sexual favors in the night.

    And even more than that I really don’t see how waking your girlfriend or boyfriend up for sex makes you a bad person ?

    1. It’s not selfish when the two people want it. When you tell the person no, I want to sleep, and they do it anyway, that’s not consensual. You’ve obviously never been in that situation.

      1. Well I suppose it’s no mystery why you’re single then haha and yes, I have been in this situation many times.. It is VERY easy to say “I’m tired and not interested in sex right now”, and I’ve never experienced a man who forces sex despite being with plenty of them.

        WHO are these men raping their girlfriends and WHY do you seem to think that waking someone up to attempt sex is the same as forcing sex ?

        I have also been on the other side of this, waking my partner up for the attention that they are there to give me. And you know what? I’ve been rejected before! And guess what, I just laid down and waited until the morning or whenever he was ready. It’s just not that serious.

        Most men are not rapists, and treating them like they are rapists just because they want to have sex at a time that you don’t is wrong on your part.

        1. “No wonder you’re single”??? So being single is something bad? Your comments are insulting and uncalled for.
          Obviously, again, you did not understand what this post is really about.

          1. I’d say no healthy adult wishes to remain single for longer than they have to, so yeah, being single is not ideal (unless you like frequent casual sex or hanging out with friends and family or work enough to forget that you’re lonely).

            This post is about shaming men (but not women for some reason) who wake up their partner for sex, and an attempt to paint them all as monsters who don’t ask for consent.

            NO self respecting woman knowingly dates or sleeps next to a rapist.
            A boyfriend is not a rapist just because his dick gets hard and touches his girlfriend’s body when she happens to be tired or sleeping.

            Just say “no thank you” to him and there is no issue.

                1. You’ve missed the point that a partner should respect his partner instead of forcing her to do something she doesn’t want. I’m not talking about waking someone at 8am on a Sunday morning… more like 4am on a work day. We weren’t talking about being playful and having a horny partner poke us, but when we tell them NO and STOP, that is a big problem! That’s the part you missed.

                  1. Who is “he” ?? It seems like you think men forcing sex on their partner is a common issue, and it’s not.

                    Waking your partner up at night to assist in your needs, whatever they may be, is not disrespect.

                    Disrespect is hearing “no thank you” and then STILL having sex with them against their consent.

                    Legitimate rape and consent are not even what you’re talking about, you’re talking about waking people up on a work night being disrespect, which I and no doubt many people disagree with.

                    1. Making a personal attack is all you have because you have no valid point to make. Just a whiny complainer ranting online and attacking people who point out flaws in your failed logic.

                      There are women in so many countries around the world being forced to marry people, being forced to have children, being forced to wear bags over their heads and be physically and emotionally and psychologically harmed and broken down every single day of their pathetic, tragic lives..

                      If a dick poke in your sleep is your biggest problem in life then go cry me a river and drown in it.

                    2. YOU came to MY blog and attacked me because you lack comprehension. Then you said “no wonder you’re single” as if that’s a bad thing. So I’m going to say this – go somewhere else to be a cunt. You’re a fucking lunatic.

                    3. How about respond to what I’ve said instead of personally attacking me as if you have any idea?

                      Everything I’ve said is accurate and completely pertinent to this post.

                      If you don’t like facing reality, then perhaps turn your comments section off.

                    4. Just more personal attacks and no real point to make. What is the point of writing a blog where you just complain about non issues and make raging attacks on people?
                      What is your goal here? To save the world from the evil male and their dick poking ? Get real

                    5. I have never had an issue with any of the comments in all of the years I’ve been writing here. Just you. What is the point of coming to someone’s blog, not understanding what is being said, and making a huge issue out of something that’s all in your head? Have fun with dicks poking at you. Please leave my page, troll.

                    6. That’s because you pander to self-victimizing people and feminists.

                      Trolls don’t make valid points and use logic, which is all I’ve done to enrage you, which says a lot about you as a person.

                  2. You know a question on OK Cupid’s endless questionnaire tries to get the bottom of this – something like “Would you be OK if your partner woke you from sleep to have sex?” I personally think it’s a good conversation to have with a new partner – especially if one of you does it and the other doesn’t like it. I don’t think the gender matters here – it’s more about what is OK between you. Personally I remember this with a bad taste in my mouth because my ex used to do it all the time, whereas if I imagined it happening with my current beloved I don’t think I’d mind. But the important thing is, if I did I would talk about it, and I would expect my wishes to be respected.

                2. Ok…you are definitely NOT getting what is being stated here so allow me to explain what she is having a hard time explaining: you just said YOURSELF that when you have attempted to awaken your partner for sex and have been TURNED DOWN, you roll over and go to sleep and…wait for it…WAIT UNTIL MORNING AND THEY ARE READY. The women in these situations have had partners that REFUSED TO WAIT and have FORCIBLY taken what they want from them even after they have said NO. THAT, in the words of the LAW (I am a retired cop.) is NON CONSENTUAL sex and BY LAW is considered rape. Hope that clears things up. Any “man” (OR woman) who does this is not performing within the legal definition of consentual. Does it ever get reported? Mostly, sadly no. Because there is victim shaming. The women were told they have to “perform” and the men are taught it is their “right”. Hell, even our own president admits to women letting him “grab them by the pussy” just because he is rich. Mothers teach your fucking sons to respect women. Women, stop believing that just because a man is rich, powerful or he thinks he is holding all the cards, that you are somehow lesser of a human being. Stop selling your self-respect to the highest bidder.

                  1. What women are you talking about ?? WHO are these women who are choosing to be in relationships with rapists ?? And WHY are they staying ?

                    I have never heard of anyone choosing to be with someone who doesn’t respect consent. But this whole, “men rape their girlfriends/wives at night” storyline needs to stop now because it’s a phony bullshit attack on men who by and large do not rape or behave rape-y.

    2. Amanda: Did you miss this crucial part? “Not just wakes us, but wakes us up out of a dead sleep, rubbing us, poking us, or whatever it takes to get our attention – even if it means flipping us around to gain entrance – even when we push them away.”
      You must be one of those “cool girls” who pretend to like beer and football and porn, and agree to do whatever a guys wants to do to you whenever he wants to do it. Any man who reads your response is not going to respect you. But I guess you don’t care, as long as he wants to fuck you, you’re cool with that.

      1. But WHO is “us”? I thought you were single ?

        I have never claimed to be cool, to like beer or football or porn, or to have any other stereotypical trait that you associate with masculinity; Nor have I ever claimed to “agree to do whatever a guy wants to do to me whenever he wants”;

        What I AM saying, is that this extreme, backwards feminism that’s teaching young women that most men are predatorial or rapists has GOT to go.

        Waking your partner up for whatever need you may have, again, is not unethical or distasteful and, again, I’m VERY curious as to who all these women are that are choosing to be in relationships with men who don’t respect consent?

        Because I have NEVER heard of boyfriend/husband raping being a common issue women deal with. Unless you’re saying that “poking” is rape ? In which case I’m curious as to how you see poking as unethical or rude? It seems like a very immature, whiny thing to complain about. Like you just made it up as another excuse to vilify men.

        1. Your reading comprehension is poor. “US” is women. Duh. And you don’t have to “claim” to be anything. It is obvious what type of woman you are. I find it sad, though not uncommon. Maybe one day you will learn to have respect for yourself and for other women. Just because you claim something didn’t happen to you, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to others. This has zero to do with feminism, although I had no doubt you would rile against feminism, because you’re that kind of “cool girl”.

  3. If you have a problem someone waking you in the night to have sex or to touch your body, why aren’t you single? Do you know how many (single and not single) people would love for that to happen to them? That’s what’s supposed to happen when young people love each other.. When it stops happening THAT’S when you have a problem.

    1. I’m not sure you understood my post. First of all, I am single, as most of my blog entries will tell you.
      The problem is this – someone is waking you for his own selfish needs instead of allowing his partner to get the rest they need. I’m talking in the middle of a dead sleep – someone waking you, moving you around and trying to stick his dick in you. That’s a big problem for most people.

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