Having to Put a Guy in Friend Zone

Just because you may have had a good first date and liked the person doesn’t mean there was chemistry or enough in common to continue something past a friendship. I have learned this the hard way more than once. Sometimes you can’t move past friendship for one reason or another. Having to let someone down really sucks, but it has to be done so both people can move along.

I met Computer Guy on Match. He reminded me of someone I had dated 15 years ago (and that guy should have remained friendship material). He was in his early 50s, lived about an hour away, and had a teenage son. We chatted a bit and finally agreed to meet for a beer and then out to dinner. Our conversation was great, and we seemed to have a lot in common, but his kid kept wondering when dad was coming home. Strike one. This is why I don’t want to date men with younger kids. It wasn’t the first or second time it’s happened recently.

At the end of the date Computer Guy walked me to my car and gave me an awkward kiss. First, I wasn’t ready for it and I wasn’t even sure if I was physically attracted to him. The other turnoff was his terrible breath. It was the type of breath that smells like rotting garbage even when they’re standing 15 inches in front of you. It just comes out and makes you want to hold your breath. Sooo… strike two.

However, our conversation was great and we seemed to have a lot in common, but still… there was something else about Computer Guy I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I just knew there was something a little off. I learned it over the following week. In the meantime, I was still friendly to him.

And this is why I like to feel them out for a few days or week after the first date:

During the following week, Computer Guy had been texting me a little much, talking about physical things like massaging me and possibly staying at my place. I don’t know where he came up with these ideas, because none of our conversations had been even close to that. I told him that I’m not ready for anything physical and reduced my contact with him. Plus, I had started my period and didn’t want to deal with some man bullshit.

Computer Guy apparently got the hint and backed off a bit. We were supposed to meet up again, but I just wasn’t feeling it and not exactly feeling well. The more he texted me, the less interested I was in him. I felt that he needed my validation for every text he sent – and I felt he was needy – and that’s when it hit me that one thing I couldn’t pinpoint on the first date. The guy is fucking needy. I can’t do needy. That is some draining bullshit that sucks the life right out of you. No thank you!

So Computer Guy messaged me that he liked being with me and was hoping we’d get together again. I told him that I was really busy (it was just before the holidays) and told him that I didn’t think I could move forward as more than a friendship. I thought he’d appreciate me being blunt and honest. His reply?

“Sorry I gave a shit.”

Say what?? I had no idea WTF he was talking about. Then he started sending me long ass letters as text messages that I gave him the impression that I liked him and he only talked about kissing and massages, because he cared… that kissing me gave him some feeling… (I am not lying when I say it was only one date and a short kiss. Zero fireworks for me.) Then he told me that my text to him was basically a grenade and that I push people away. Wow. He made it seem as if we’d been dating for a few months.

I don’t disagree that I definitely push people away that I’m not interested in sharing my life with. Who doesn’t? But I did remind him that it was only ONE date and not enough time for me to have any types of feelings, that I like to take time and process things, not jump into something headfirst. Computer Guy still went on and on. I ended it with telling him that although I enjoyed our conversation and had a nice time, I felt no chemistry at all. He finally settled down and told me good luck in my search. Whew! I thought I was going to have to deal with another crazy. Luckily, he didn’t know where I lived, and he lived too far away to bother with me anyway.

So again, even though this date went well, it couldn’t even end in friendship because of that person’s expectations. To that I say: Not my loss.

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