The Worst Kayaking Date

Prior to my last post, I met a guy at the beach while looking for seaglass. He was my age, had grown kids, and liked to make creative things, so I felt we might have some common ground. We spoke about kayaking and made a date to do it the following week.

When the day finally arrived, he couldn’t get the kayak on his car, and he canceled at the last minute, so I decided I’d just go to the beach instead. I was a little frustrated with his lack of communication and planning. Then about an hour later he said he was on his way. I was confused as to what he was talking about since everything was by text, and his communication was unclear. He’d borrowed a truck to take the kayak. He had to come to my house to pick up my kayak, but asked me to drive my own car, because the truck was literally full of garbage and didn’t have enough room for me.

We launched at a place near my house, found an island to eat lunch and listen to music. At some point he made it clear he wanted to have sex with me, but that wasn’t going to happen. I mean, we hadn’t even kissed, and he was just being… well, weird. He decided he wanted to leave the island shortly after. I had to pee in the woods before loading up, and when I came back out, he was gone. He totally left me, and even by the time I rounded the corner, he was clear out of sight. So he must have really been hauling ass. By the time I paddled back to the launch area, his truck was gone. I wasn’t sure how in the hell I was getting my kayak back to the house, so I just paddled to a nearby sandbar and slammed a few beers while figuring out what to do.

Then he texted me. Said someone stole his kayak. I said well that sucks, but thinking this is karma for ditching me. I tried to ask what happened, where was he when it happened, because his truck was gone by the time I came back. He said he went to use the bathroom, and when he came out it was gone. I suggested making a police report, but I don’t think he ever did. I managed to shove my kayak into my car and hoped I made it home safely.

The following day, he started sending me text messages accusing me of stealing his kayak. I literally laughed out loud, and said with what, my magical powers? I reminded him I was still paddling and he’d left me on the island. He tried calling me, but I was driving and let it go to voicemail. He was still accusing me of stealing his kayak. I couldn’t understand why in the hell he could even think it was possible. Then he said he had my neighbors check their video surveillance and a car that looked like mine had a green kayak like his hanging out of it. I said good luck with that, but I have no reason to steal your cheap kayak and could barely get my own kayak home. Besides, why would I suggest filing a police report if I stole the damn thing? I realized he was total batshit crazy.

He didn’t stop with the accusations. He even went as far to suggest I planned to steal it by having someone else do it. I said that’s ridiculous, and I’m not going to argue anymore so don’t contact me again. He kept contacting me and I eventually blocked him. Thankfully, I never ran into him again!

The Most Boring Kayaking Date

Sometime last year, prior to meeting Orange Crush, I met someone that lived a few streets from me. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not to try to date someone so close, but it sure made it convenient. We only saw each other a few times anyway. He was too young for me and incredibly boring. After the second meet up, I didn’t hear from him for about a month. When I did hear from him, he told me he had an extra spot open for someone to go on a kayaking trip with him to Marco Island… and everything was paid for. I didn’t ask too many questions about details, but it sounded like it might be fun. (At this point, I had been on two dates with OC.)

Since he said he had “an extra spot,” I had assumed there would be other people going. It wasn’t until the drive there that I learned we would be the only two on the trip. Of course, I had to ask the details of why there was this extra spot. It turns out he was actually dating someone that he had previously told me were only friends, but it was short lived, and they broke up. Interesting, I thought.

The 7-hour drive mostly consisted of catching up, with me asking most of the questions and initiating conversation. It was also seven hours of listening to country music, because he didn’t seem to like anything else. Now, don’t get me wrong – I like country music, but not for seven freaking hours. The only music that played that I really liked was Chris Stapleton. I was going to scream if I heard “Buy Me a Boat” for the umpteenth time.

The trip went nothing like I’d expected or hoped. The first evening was fine, and he was on his best behavior, but that changed the following day. Between the weather and him having us do all of the things he wanted to do, I didn’t get to experience kayaking to an island or somewhere that we’d talked about. Then he began doing some things that really pissed me off – just immature, rude things. For example, we had to put our kayaks in from a dock during low tide, so it was difficult to maneuver without tipping over. He helped put them in the water, I helped hold his kayak so he could get in. But when it was my turn to get in, he thought it was okay to paddle away from me and leave me struggling to get in on my own. I thought that was a dick move.

When we got back, we’d planned to find a place to eat. But he was also acting very strange and played on his phone – on Bumble, no less! He said he was trying to find someone else to hang out with us (another female), and I thought that was incredibly rude. When we went out to eat, he sat in the front of the Uber we called. Another dick move.

At that point, I felt pretty trapped. I was 3 hours away from my closest relatives and 7 from my own home. I just wanted to leave. I ended up paying for my own dinner that night, because I wanted nothing more from this asshole, and he’d already made some snide comments about paying for something. And then he asked me to pay for the Uber ride back – and again sat in the front seat! We’d discussed doing something after dinner, because it was still early, but when we got back to the room, he’d changed his mind. He was still playing on Bumble, and I guess maybe he got mad that someone he was talking to didn’t want to meet. By then, I’d had enough of his bullshit, and I asked him why in the hell did he even invite me if he’s trying to hook up with other women and act like a dick to me. I left to walk down to a bar around the corner. I was gone for a few hours, and he started texting me all concerned and apologizing.

When I got back to the room, he spent the rest of the night playing on his phone. The next morning, he’d planned an offshore fishing trip in which I was super glad I didn’t go, because they got back late, he caught nothing, and it was chilly that day – plus there was no canopy on the tiny boat. We had to leave that afternoon, and I couldn’t wait. It was mainly seven excruciating hours of listening to country music and silence. After he dropped me off, he hugged me, I thanked him, and we never contacted each other again. That evening, I had my third date with OC.

Dating Mr. Mixed Messages – the Final Rose?

After watching last night’s episode of The Bachelor and seeing two women get their hearts broken after being told by Arie over and over again how much he is in love with them (at the same time), I realize if you give a man too many choices, he can’t make up his fucking mind. Newsflash: Women are not menu options.

A few months ago I met someone through friends. It was the first time I’d even considered dating anyone after Orange Crush, so it was a big deal for me to open myself up to someone and be seen in public on an actual date. I wasn’t sure at first how it would go, because of being so doubtful about relationships, so I kept my safe distance. On two separate occasions, once after a two-week separation from him being out of town, Mr. Mixed Messages told me he had missed me. I was surprised to hear it coming from him, because I wasn’t sure how he felt about me, and I didn’t think he was that into me.

Mr. Mixed Messages and I had the rare opportunity (due to his obligations) to spend some quality time together over a weekend. We had a great time going out for dinner and drinks, watching bands, playing games with friends, and snuggling in the cold weather. We had some intimate talks and moments that I thought made us closer. For the first time since Orange Crush, I was excited to finally move onto someone else and, well, crush those feelings for OC. I could see that I could easily develop feelings for Mr. Mixed Messages and eventually maybe even love again in time. But as he was leaving that weekend, I didn’t know if he just wasn’t feeling well (he had a bad cold) or if he had changed his mind about me. I asked him when I’d see him again, and he said the following day. But I had a hunch that may not happen.

Then I did something stupid. I had a few too many beers and got emotional and sent Mr. Mixed Messages some mushy text messages relaying my feelings. Normally, I would never do that, because it was too soon, BUT it was my true and honest feelings. Besides, after Orange Crush, I had decided I wasn’t going to waste time holding back on how I felt only to have the rug ripped from under me again. I don’t regret sending those messages, but I think Mr. Mixed Messages took it the wrong way.

Instead of waiting to hear from him, I texted Mr. Mixed Messages some casual chat the following day and apologized for the beer-induced mush from the night before. He said he would talk to me later. Later came along and I didn’t hear from him. I tried some casual chat throughout the day, but I felt as if he was blowing me off. I wanted to know NOW if he was, because I certainly wasn’t going to waste anymore time, and I refuse to chase after a man. I never did see him that evening, so again I asked, when am I going to see you again? He said Wednesday, which was two days later. I decided to leave him alone and see what happens, give him some space.

So what happened? Nothing. I never heard back from him. Clearly, he wasn’t into me as he acted or told me that weekend. I figured if he wanted to see me, he’d make the effort to at least keep in touch.

I saw Mr. Mixed Messages at a place we both frequent, and he ignored me. I wasn’t about to put myself out there to make the first move only to be rejected. After all, he’s the one that stopped contact. Then I saw Mr. Mixed Messages a couple more times the following week. On these two occasions something really fucked up happened. He said hello to my friends sitting right next to me, hugged them, looked me right in the face, and said nothing. Yes, that’s right. Nothing. Everyone around that witnessed it thought it was a dick move, and no one could understand what the hell his problem was, because I had done nothing wrong. It felt cruel and undeserved, so I let him know in a text, asking him what the hell was his problem and what did I do to deserve that. He ended up turning the whole thing around on me saying I’m the one that didn’t contact him, that he sent the last text – and he sent me a screenshot of him saying “Wednesday,” that it takes two, he didn’t want a relationship, and to basically have a nice life. Wow.

So not only did Mr. Mixed Messages send mixed messages, he wasn’t even man enough to speak to me like an adult, playing games like a middle school girl. I reminded him that if he didn’t want a relationship, he should never have pursued me and led me on, and I don’t chase after men that clearly aren’t interested in me. Since, I have yet to revisit one of my favorite places, because I don’t want to see his face anymore. It’s obvious to me now that he has some pretty big issues to be such a jerk. Not someone I need in my life.

A Gift with a Catch

It’s been years since I’ve received a gift from the opposite sex. I believe the last time I did was when Dodger gave me the Sorry/Valentine roses. But when I do receive something from a man, I would rather it be from someone that I’m close to and in an actual relationship with. Or if it’s a special occasion, then that’s acceptable.

While I was working yesterday, I received a phone call from a local florist that there was a delivery for me. I was confused, and I actually thought for a minute as to whether or not it was my birthday. I realized that’s not for another six months. So what was this delivery all about?

I asked the guy on the phone what was being delivered. He said a dozen beautiful roses. I said I have no idea who would send me that and asked if he could tell me who it was from. He read the note and said the name. At first I thought they got the name wrong, as I have been talking to someone recently with a similar name but never expected roses. Had it been from that person, then it would have been acceptable, because we’ve developed a friendship.

When I returned home, I read the card, and the name of the person who sent it still confused me. I only know one person by that name, and he fixed the brakes on my car (I paid him), but there was no way he could know where I live, so I asked a mutual acquaintance if she had given him my address. I didn’t think she would do that anyway, but I had to ask. She hadn’t. So I had to text this guy to ask if he sent something to my house. Yes, it was him. Not only was it a disappointment knowing it was from this guy and not someone that I had an actual friendship with, it felt creepy.

I asked how he got my address. It was on the packing slip of the brake parts I had ordered. I messaged our mutual friend what happened, and I guess she went off on him. Then he started sending me text messages that he was pissed I told her, that he doesn’t want her knowing what he does. Blah blah blah. Too fucking bad.

He had already asked me out earlier in the week, and I made it very clear I’m not interested in anything with him. We really don’t know each other, and he’s way too old for me. I actually busted out crying, because I felt this was a complete violation on his part to send something to my home. And did I mention I clearly told him I’m not interested? He’s not someone I’d ever date, and I’ve already been warned about him doing creepy shit like this. I just didn’t think it would happen, as I’ve kept my distance.

This morning he sent me a text with a picture of the packing slip that had my address on it. What is the point of that? I’m ignoring him.

After the 2am rude awakening from last week, this set me over the edge. I don’t understand why men think the way they do or why they think it’s okay to cross boundaries. It’s just fucking creepy.

Rude Awakening

I often wonder what the hell goes through people’s heads. The stupid or bizarre things I’ve come across seem endless. The older I get, the less my tolerance is for bullshit. The older I get, the more clearly I can see how selfish and self-centered some people are, only interested in their own benefit without a care in the world how they make other people feel.

The other night (a weeknight, no less) I happened to be awake around 2am. I think I hear a knock on my door. I look out my kitchen window and see a male figure but can’t make it out. I ask who it is and what they want. He says a name I didn’t recognize and was looking for me.

I said, “I don’t know anyone by that name, and I don’t know who sent you here or what the hell you’re doing here, but it’s 2am, and you need to get the fuck out of here right now and don’t ever come back!”

He practically ran down the driveway. It was when he pulled out that I recognized the truck and who it was. It turns out that I did know this person, but I hadn’t seen or heard from him in at least a year! I had forgotten all about him. And it was very unlike him to do something like that, since it had never happened before.

I couldn’t believe the nerve of this asshole coming to my house in the middle of the night after a year of no contact. I mean, did he actually think I’d let him in? I was a little creeped out by the whole thing. I didn’t feel threatened, but how do I know this person hadn’t gone down the wrong path, especially since his behavior seemed out of the ordinary? Something is seriously wrong with someone who does that. I don’t need that kind of b.s. in my life.

A Failed Lunch Date with Mr. Retired Military

Please pay the bill so I can leave. 

Someone I’d started talking to on Tinder about a year ago disappeared until recently. This time, I saw him on Bumble looking for a long-term relationship. Retired military. Similar interests. A couple of years older than me. We agreed to finally meet in person for lunch and possibly the beach afterwards. I decided to basically dress in beach wear, which included a tank top and shorts over my bathing suit. I certainly wasn’t dressed to impressed, but if a man is going to like me, he’d better learn I don’t like to wear much makeup or get all fancy just to eat lunch.

He arrived before me, had ordered a beer. Within 30 seconds of meeting, I knew immediately that it wasn’t going to work. He was definitely not into me whatsoever. He didn’t look me in the face when he spoke, which is a huge indicator of low self-esteem and possibly deception. During the entire conversation, he never asked me a thing about myself except if I had kids or not. He spoke entirely about himself, the women he’s dated over the past several months, the threesome with some 20-something year olds, his sex drive, and he made inappropriate comments about other women that came into the restaurant.

For example, he made a comment about a young woman (probably in her early 20s) that she was super skinny. Another comment he made about a different young woman (also probably 20s) that her ass was too narrow. I reminded him of her age and told him she’s proportional. It was quite irritating to be on a “date” with someone making these comments, all the while I’m wondering what he’s judging on my own body. But I really didn’t give a shit, since I know nothing is perfect when you’re 45, and without surgery, it’s not going to get any better! I sat there thinking I can’t wait for this date to end.

The conversation went to health issues, of which he has some major stuff going on. He told me all about his prostate and other issues with his ballsack, so I decided fair game and began talking about my period. That shut him up really quick.

Then he started telling me all about his crazy ex-girlfriend (apparently, her social media still has “in a relationship” with him and a lot of their photos) and another woman he dated… said she was crazy, even had those “crazy eyes” that his friends warned him about. He showed me a photo of them together, which I thought was tacky as shit, but yes she did have those crazy eyes. I asked how long ago they dated, and here’s where it gets interesting. They met at the very end of December. Now this is only the middle of February, so obviously they didn’t last long and he’s already back on the dating sites. Oh and did I forget to mention the many chicks that spend the night on the boat he lives on and the ones he hooks up with at his favorite bar? Classy!

After about a two-hour lunch, he was checking his phone and texting his friends that wanted him to meet them downtown to go drinking. A few minutes later he tells me he’s going to go. I was still sitting there with half of a beer left thinking how rude of him!! He actually left me sitting there at a table by myself, so I gritted my teeth, shook my head, and walked up to the bar and had a nice conversation with the bartender about what a douche my date was.

Later that evening, Mr. Retired Military texted me that he was back at his boat, and he could fall asleep. I replied, “I bet,” to which he replied, “You can come sleep also.”

Me: Yeah I will at my house.
Him: Good choice.
Me: I know boundaries. Plus I already know you’re not interested in me whatsoever.

No reply. Douche.

Orange Crush – A Love Story

(**Note: This is a true story that happened to me last summer.)

They met on a dating app. Chatted a bit before finally meeting up at a local hangout. She ordered a beer. He ordered an Orange Crush. They clicked immediately. Said their goodbyes and planned another date for the weekend.

A bonfire. Her friends. He was charming and likeable. He excited her. The conversations and make-out sessions were incredible. He was fun and funny and nurturing, which is what she needed. They had just about everything in common – their beliefs, their activities, the things they wanted out of life. She had never felt this way before, not even when she was married.

She held back on sex. She was skeptical. He, on the other hand, was just having fun. She wasn’t aware of his intentions, but they grew closer and she trusted him. Eight dates later, she gave herself to him. He made her cum three times.

Intense. Intimate. She met some of his family. Two months. She knew she was falling for him, but she couldn’t tell him. She was afraid of rejection, because he hadn’t expressed his feelings to her. But he had made comments that reflected they’d have a future together, talking plans of things months in advance. He’d assured her that he wanted to be with her and it would take something big to make him leave. She insisted she did not want her heart broken again. He held her as though he loved her, held her in a way no one ever had. Whether or not he loved her, she would never know.

Three months into it, she went to visit her family for a week. Figured the break would make them closer. She’d sent friendly texts while she was away. He barely responded. Maybe he was working a lot. Maybe he was just busy or tired. Then she started to panic. Gut feelings about no responses.

She returns from her trip. He wasn’t even aware she was back. As if they were only part-time acquaintances and nothing more. Her heart was sinking into her stomach. What had happened?

He finally messages her. He was busy. He wasn’t avoiding her. He missed her. She smiled for the first time in a few days.

The communication stopped again. She still hadn’t seen him in over a week. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to see her again. She assumed he’d gone back to his ex or met someone else, because that’s what men do. So she asked him. He replied that he did not. That he needed to get some things in his life together. No other explanation. All text messages.

The communication stopped completely. She was left clueless and dumbfounded. She poured her heart out to him. She realized she was in love for the first time in several years. He blocked her as if she meant nothing. He was her Orange Crush.