Guest Blogger: Date With Bubba

Submitted by Anonymous: 

This is about a redneck guy I dated as a teen. He came over to pick me up for dinner in his old bubba truck. First impression was when Bubba yelled at my little niece and nephew that ran too close to his truck. Then when we went out, he drove through several steak house parking lots, kept saying they were too full. It was about 8 at night and I was starving. I finally said to him, “How about Burger King?” So he drove straight over. Maybe that’s what he was hoping anyway. We ate, and he took me home.

Later that week Bubba called me and tried to convince me that I wasn’t a woman until I loosen up a bit and have sex. Still a virgin, I held my ground and said that I was waiting until marriage. But we planned a second date.

Bubba was supposed to meet me at the ice rink as a skating date. Two hours roll by and still no Bubba. My other guy friend saw that I was upset and asked what was going on. He let me use his cell phone to call Bubba. I surprised him with that random phone number, because he picked up, said hello. Then when I asked where he was, he was breathing hard and hung up. My guy friend called again and Bubba shut off his phone. I never saw him again.

Last I heard about Bubba, he was in trouble with the law for beating he shit out of someone with a hockey stick.

Life is Hard Enough Without Your Bullshit

Shortly after my heartbreak with OC last year, I met and made out with a guy that I somewhat connected with. Nothing ever came of it, because I found out he was back with his ex – and apparently, they break up and get back together often. This has been going on for about five years with them, but I had no idea at the time. For whatever reason, he chose to tell his ex about our encounter, so suddenly I’m a whore and a slut, according to her. Whatthefuckever.

Last week I ran into this guy again, and again, they’d broken up… “She’s psycho, etc.”… same old story from these guys. I have no issue speaking to him, because we have common things to discuss, and we followed each other on Instagram. No biggie. We said goodbye and parted ways.

Less than an hour after that encounter, I got bombarded with messages via Instagram from his ex telling me they are not over and he’s a liar and to stay out of their lives. Say what??? She was obviously “stalking” his Instagram to see who he’s following or whatever. I always take the “my ex is a psycho” phrase with a grain of salt, but this was truly crazy. She went on to say they weren’t done the last time we were talking and then proceeded to tell me he has genital warts. Nice. I told her I have no idea what she’s talking about… and gross… and have fun with your lives. I told her this is ridiculous middle school bullshit and stop contacting me. And then I had to block her.

Whether or not he lied to her or me or whomever – I don’t care. I don’t have feelings for this person and have zero intention of even hanging out with him again. But I will speak to whoever the hell I want to speak to.

I took screenshots of everything and sent it to him, to which he replied, “I told you she’s psycho.” I said, “Well who is more psycho? You keep going back to her. I’m sure you’ll be back within 24 hours. Have fun with your genital whatever you both have now.” Thankfully, I can’t catch anything from talking to him or following on social media!

Dreaming About an Ex

This morning I awoke to a dream that felt completely real. What sucks about it is that it’s been nearly a year that I broke up with Orange Crush, and I still see him around. I still think about him, even though I try not to, but thanks to those goddamn Facebook memories, it reminds me of all of the time we spent together last year. So dreaming this brought back the feelings I had and have been trying to brush off and move on.

In the dream, OC and I were both at the same place where something was going on, but I can’t remember what exactly. He was with his regular crew of guys. I’m not sure if I was alone or with friends. We made eye contact, and he came over and sat next to me. He held my hand and looked at me the way he used to, but never said a word. All of the feelings I had had for him came back. I felt as if we picked up where we left off. In some part of the dream, people were being called up by name to do something. I cannot remember what it was about, maybe an interview or something along those lines. My name was called and I had to go, but when I came back, OC was gone. I remember being very disappointed and looking for him. There was no sign of him, and then I woke up.

Being that today is a shitty weather day, it just compounded some of my open wounds, because now I’m stuck inside alone again. Doing my best to keep busy with art and writing projects and listening to funny things or happy music… but I’m still finding myself crying off and on throughout the day. I fucking hate this, and I’m beginning to feel pretty pathetic that I still haven’t gotten over this guy. I was so happy being with him, and it all just ended so abruptly. I just want those happy feelings again.

Another Brain Dump

(**I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.)

I’ve been thinking about so many things, I cannot concentrate on just one. My mind is racing, my anxiety is high – and combined with depression, it doesn’t feel very good at all. It increases the insomnia, which makes me irritable from not getting enough rest, and my appetite gets out of whack. All of this makes me unable to focus and think straight. My hormones are changing, making me feel stupid and weepy and like the stereotypical woman on her monthly. I think combining that with everything else – along with my strong convictions – makes me unapproachable. (Not that I want to be approached at this point anyway.)

Since it’s been raining and I haven’t been going out at all, I’ve been sitting outside on my back porch fighting the annoying bugs and listening to the rain on the tin roof… thinking about all of the bullshit – and at the same time trying not to. This rain is definitely increasing my depression. I need sunlight, and lots of it, in order to feel better – probably why I always liked summers more than any other season.

The rain is mesmerizing, a steady pulsing beat surrounding me. I can feel the uncomfortably hard PVC pipes through the thin cushion against my back and ass and legs. No wonder this set was so cheap on Craigslist. It fucking hurts, makes me squirm and switch positions constantly, like a kid in adult church.

I guess all of my friends are with their significant others or maybe out with friends and family. If I don’t take myself out, I guess the porch is my Friday night hangout… an extension of my home yet still outdoors. How I would love to have someone to share it with. Wishful thinking.

I know what I want to do for a living – something I have always loved and still do but don’t get paid. I want to write, but I’m not writing some stupid shit for $10 an hour for someone else to get rich with my talents. I want to get paid what I deserve. Writing is natural to me, instinctual, therapeutic, and seems to be the only “job” that truly that makes me happy. It’s something I’ve loved doing since I was in third or fourth grade and all through graduation. It’s something I continued doing after high school when I joined the army to become a photojournalist. I loved writing when I went to college; had a 4.0 in all of my English classes and tutored English to other college students. Taught writing as my first public and private teaching jobs. So why am I not getting paid to do it now? I have to figure this out, because it’s probably the only thing that I actually feel confident in despite being told by other people that my writing sucks, lol 😉 …

Not all writing is good. I know I’ve gone back to read things and think… ‘okay that was really boring,’ or ‘that could have been better.’ But with anything in life, once you go back and reanalyze the situation after more gained experience, it’s easier to forgive yourself and give constructive criticism.

F*%k Boys Need Not Apply

I don’t know if it’s because it’s summertime or what, but lately I’ve been hearing from guys I haven’t seen or heard from in months or even years. I’ll get a text and have to ask “who is this?” because after a certain period of time, I delete numbers. All of these have happened within the past two weeks.

The other day I received a text from an unknown number asking how I’ve been the past few months. I ask who it is, he gives me a name but it’s such a common name I still don’t know who it is until he gives me the last name. Then he tells me he’s getting divorced and wants to get together for a beer. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood when I received the message, so I’m like great, another one on the rebound, and I’ll get to hear about all of his problems like the rest. All the while, I’m wondering how many other women he’s texting the same thing to. He’s never done anything wrong to me; I’m just over the bullshit with these newly single men.

Also last week, I received a text from someone I hadn’t seen in four years. Four years!! He was from my divorce days when I was into the younger men scene. I recalled all of his texting from back then and how he led me on that we were going to go on a date that evening and suddenly ghosted me – so I reminded him of that. Claiming he is in a different frame of mind now and back to being single, he is looking for something real. I reminded him that our age difference isn’t going to make anything real, and I pretty much know what this is about. His pattern is this: he texts randomly, stops texting or answering questions, then a few days or a week later I’ll hear from him. Then the pattern repeats. We never actually get together, just texting. Who has time for that bullshit? Such a waste of time just chatting about nothing.

Someone I’d met a couple of months ago and never get together in person with also randomly texts me at odd hours… like at 7am – saying things like “I woke up thinking about you today,” which to me, translates to: “I woke up with a hard-on.” I can immediately tell by his texts he wants to sext – but I’m not buying into it. This guy is one of my friend’s neighbors, and we have already determined he’s a player. I know for a fact that he had already texted two other women dick pics and a jerkoff video, so that’s obviously what he’s about. In one day, his texting went from how much he wanted me sexually and kissy faces to complete insults because I told him I didn’t have time to text him morning and night. He insinuated that I didn’t have a “real career” (whatever that means – coming from a spoiled brat) and called me rude for saying I couldn’t text him all the time, then just turned the whole thing around on me. I was at my friend’s house (his neighbor) when this occurred, so we were quite entertained by it all. I said, “Feel free to send me a jerkoff vid or dick pic,” to which he replied that I was a bitch, and “ho be old and drunk”. Suddenly, I was an old drunk ho because I’m too smart to play into his bullshit, but I wasn’t an old drunk ho when he talked about wanting his dick sucked earlier in the day. Just another fuckboy I had to block.

Another guy that texted me recently is someone I’ve known since elementary school. He’s a cop that I don’t trust in the dating realm, and every few months or so he asks what I’m doing, if I’m out, if I’m awake, etc. He also calls me nicknames that I don’t appreciate, and I’ve told him so. Names like “sugar pants” – which I think is completely demeaning and sounds more like a sugar baby hooker or something. Or he calls me names like “trouble” – which is also insulting, because I am not that either. I’ve told him I will answer him when he can call me by my actual name or nothing at all. And he still doesn’t get it.

I just save up all of these texts from fuckboys and use them for blogging material, because that’s about all they’re really worth anyway. Soon, I may be posting some stories from other women friends, because it seems like everyone has some awful dating experience to share.

A Run-In with King Nothing

Over the weekend, our town had a yearly event that my girlfriend and I went to. As soon as we walked into our first stop, King Nothing was standing there. I pretended I didn’t see him, but he purposely bumped into me. I wasn’t sure whether to hit him or twist his nipple (he wasn’t wearing a shirt), but I stopped myself and moved along. (He was the only person in the place not wearing a shirt, which made him look like a complete douche, but he thought he was hot shit.) The only thought that occurred to me after our last exchange was, does he really think I’m going to give into his bullshit? Maybe that’s what other women have done with him, but this one won’t.

As my friend and I were wandering around the place, King Nothing kept showing up near me, and I kept ignoring him… until I felt water on me. I turned around and saw that KN had a squirt gun and thought he was being cute squirting me over and over and over. My friend and I were about to leave anyway, but I thought what a perfect opportunity to dump out the end of my warm beer. As we turned to leave the place, KN was about 5 feet in front of me squirting away. I threw the rest of my beer on his chest, and the surprise on his face was priceless. Everyone else around laughed their asses off, which I’m certain embarrassed his king alpha status. He didn’t look very happy that his king alpha status had been succeeded by a woman.

In the meantime, we exchanged some text messages. Of course, I told him like it is, and he called me psycho. I let him know that’s a typical response from a guy that can’t have his way with me and knows that I’m right… and I’m the QUEEN of that. I haven’t heard back from him since. No big deal. I’m sure I’ll run into him again trying to impress a lady or two or four around town. Maybe next time he sees me he’ll put his tail between his legs where it belongs.

Dodging a Bullet After Dating Mr. Volatile

I met Mr. Volatile when I went kayaking one day and got stuck in a rainstorm. His friend offered to help me out, and they had kids with them, so I felt safe enough. Plus, there were plenty of people around. Mr. Volatile was on his best behavior at the time, and it turned out he was 51, never married, and no kids. That should probably have been clue number one.

Mr. Volatile invited me to go boating the following day and the day after that, and another day we went to the beach. His friend was still in town, so I did notice the dynamic changed once his friend left. He had to look up something on his laptop, and when he opened it, porn came up. He blamed his friend, and I called him out on his bullshit.

By the third date, he kissed me for the first time… it was just okay. I was having fun hanging out and spending time with someone new. We had discussed some dating stories and knew some of the people. He knew King Nothing, but they weren’t friends. (In fact, he’s the one that told me about King Nothing and his harem of women.) But I also noticed when we were alone, he barely talked to me. He was on his phone the entire time we went to a nude beach one day. He didn’t even look at me, which I thought was odd, but he seemed very comfortable being butt naked in public. And when he got up from lying on his stomach, he had a hard on (which I also later confronted him about, and he denied it). He obviously didn’t get it from looking at me.

Some of the things about Mr. Volatile that seemed bizarre were: he only worked 3-4 days a month, there were no family photos or anything at all on the walls of his house, and all of his dishes and cups were plastic. He said he was a reserve pilot working a few days a month, but that doesn’t explain how he affords to live the way he does. I went to make food one evening and asked where his glasses and dishes were, because all I found was plastic. He said someone broke a glass on the tile once and it was such a mess to clean up that he got rid of all of the glass in the kitchen. Mmmkay. Oh, and did I mention he drove a windowless “kidnap” van?

I noticed a change in attitude and personality with Mr. Volatile when he was constantly watching Fox News and yelling about how great our horrible president is. I should have run away then. I also noticed that anytime I expressed an opinion, I was wrong and my opinion didn’t matter. And when I would suggest anything, he rejected. Looking back, I think I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells with this guy.

On the very last date, I was near his house and asked if he needed help with something he was doing. He said he might need help getting rid of “this girl” (also, he referred to all women as “girls”) that stopped by his house that was crying about her boyfriend breaking up with her. I was curious as to what this was about and who this “girl” was, but by the time I arrived, she’d left. Mr. Volatile then said he was hungry and suggested getting something to eat. I wasn’t dressed for anything too nice, and he has to give me notice to get ready for certain places, because I wasn’t about to go in my beach clothes to a nice restaurant. His response was bitchy toned: “I don’t make plans. I just go.” I said well a couple of hours notice would be helpful, to which he replied like I was asking too much, “No! I don’t do that. I don’t make plans! You women always take so long.” What. The. Fuck. I should have just left, but I was hungry.

We ended up going to a place he’d never been, but I had. I sat there trying to have an adult conversation while I could tell he wasn’t listening to a word I said and was too busy looking at every other woman’s ass. I stopped mid sentence, because I was annoyed. I also called him out on it, and he denied it, of course. After dinner he wanted to go to a bar that I didn’t care to go to. I’d been up since early that morning, had worked all day, went to the beach after work, and by then it was getting late. The last thing I wanted was to go to a bar that I don’t even like, but he said just a drink and see the band. Okay.

We walked to the bar, and immediately King Nothing is standing there with another woman, and they’re all over each other. Great. This was literally ON the day I posted the blog about him. I gave him the middle finger and kept walking. Then Mr. Volatile kept pointing out King Nothing being there and referring to him as my boyfriend, which was really fucking annoying… and he was acting really jealous. I reminded him that we went on three dates, and that I just don’t like being lied to and played, because he wasted my time that could have been spent doing something (or someone) better. I walked up to the bartender to get a drink… and paid for it myself. Mr. Volatile spent most of the time walking around, talking to other people, and leaving me behind. I told him I could tell that he was NOT into me at all… he denied it. So basically, I was nearly by myself at a bar that I didn’t want to be at buying my own drinks. Then about an hour or so later, Mr. Volatile disappeared. I texted him asking where he went, but he never answered me. He had actually left me there and went home!! I realized later that my text messages turned green, which meant that he’d blocked me from contact. The fucking nerve! I had to walk alone back to his house in the dark to get my car, and when I arrived, all of his lights were off and he had set my cooler by my driver’s side door. What. The. Fuck.

I should have done it sooner, because one of my friends is Mr. Volatile’s neighbor, so I asked her if she knew him. (Previously, he denied knowing her.) She said yes, he’s volatile and basically, none of the neighbors like him, because he’s so rude and nasty to people. Her husband says hello when Mr. Volatile walks by, and he just turns his head. Wow.

Two days after Mr. Volatile showed his true colors, I was at the beach with a girlfriend and had been telling her the entire story. He drove by in his kidnap van and smiled and waved, as if we were best buddies. What. The. Fuck. I don’t know if he realized it was me or what. I saw him again the following day but pretended I didn’t. I saw him again last night walking down the street with a woman and a kid. Good luck to her!

One thing I’ve noticed with these guys that can’t say goodbye or be an adult is that they block me when I call them out on their bullshit. Every time! But I guess I dodged a bullet with that volatile asshole. Next!