Giving Second Chances Makes Me a Fool

I’m not usually one to give second chances, because most of the time, someone pisses me off so much I want nothing to do with them. I saw Toe Ring on Bumble again a couple of weeks ago and swiped right for the hell of it. We matched. He said he would like to try again and asked me out for lunch. I thought that sounded fine.

Lunch was great, but it ended up being a day drinking fest, which is something I hadn’t done in a long time. We ended up having dinner also, hopping around town to different restaurants and a brewery. By the time we got to the brewery, my memory was foggy, but Toe Ring decided to use the bathroom and it seemed to take him a while to come back. He was talking to (flirting with?) some other women playing a game. Then he proceeded to attempt to make out with me at the bar, which is a huge no-no for me. My bartender friend said he was a drunk hot mess, and he told me to run. All I remembered the next morning was that we had a really fun time.

A week later, I was meeting my friend for a cocktail and appetizer. Toe Ring was nearby, and I invited him to say hello. Plus, I thought it would give me an opportunity to get a friend’s perspective. He showed up pretty tipsy. Here we go again, I thought. He offered to buy a round of drinks and then sat there talking to my friend the entire time. I had to leave to go to a family event, which he already knew, but invited me out for sushi. I said I would, but I have to do this thing that I already told you about. So what did he do? After letting me pay my own tab, he asked my friend out instead. She was coming with me, so that wasn’t going to happen. I thought that was a shitty thing to do.

My friend and I both agreed it was rude of him. But Toe Ring thought he was being nice. I said you think asking my friend out on a sushi date in front of me is being nice? Because it’s pretty disrespectful. Not to mention you let me pay my own tab. He reminded me that he paid the tab the weekend before. Well, if you’re going to ask me out on a date, be prepared to pay the damn tab! 

Later that night he was texting me some drunk gibberish that wasn’t making sense. Basically he wanted me to come over, but clearly he was wasted. The following day I went off on him about his rudeness of asking my friend out. That’s when he said he was just trying to be nice. Then he said I should have just showed up to his house, which is something I don’t do anyway. So I reminded him how he cannot properly communicate, and he “liked” my comment. I told him that it’s obvious he’s not that into me. He never said anything about that and I have barely heard from him since.

I don’t know why I gave Toe Ring a second chance. I don’t know what it is I like about him, because clearly he doesn’t like me very much. My next therapy session is next week….

Single White Female With PTSD (Lives With Cat)

After twenty-something years of b.s. with the Veteran’s Administration to get my medical benefits and counseling, I think I finally have it all straightened out. Two years ago I attempted to get counseling, because I had been through a divorce and numerous things that I could no longer deal with on my own, and then a close friend died suddenly. I knew that it was time to talk to a professional.

The VA finally scheduled me for my first counseling appointment, but I wasn’t aware it was at a different location than the normal one, so I was running a little late. I was there a good hour talking to an older woman that reeked of cigarette smoke, and the thing she seemed to only focus on was asking about my cats. I wasn’t there to talk about my freaking cats; I was there for real issues.

Anyway, the VA later canceled my future appointment, because the counselor would be out that day. Then suddenly, they canceled EVERY future appointment and had no record of me visiting the first time. NONE. Seriously. I was super pissed and explained who I saw and what happened with me being a few minutes late. They finally figured it out, but then they contacted me by letter to tell me I didn’t qualify for VA benefits (I did; they were wrong again). This happened to me twice in two years. Now, when someone needs counseling and isn’t getting it AND is told incorrect information AND someone is fucking around with medical benefits, it can make a person really lose it. I told them no wonder veterans are committing suicide every day, because this is the type of shit the VA puts them through. I probably cussed out the wrong people, but guess what? They fixed it. Finally.

So this year – two years later – I’m finally getting counseling. Except that they set me up with a male counselor that I could not open up to, because I have female issues that only a female can relate to. I had three appointments with a male counselor that I felt was focusing on things that I didn’t care to talk about. I had other things I needed to address. He also “related” to me by telling me things about himself, but he did this on all three occasions (repeated himself), and I was bored and shut down. I wasn’t there to listen to him talk about himself. I just sat there in his hot, stuffy office staring at his funny curly hair and thinking about how much I wanted to cut it. On the last session with him, he suggested I see a female counselor, so I put in my request.

In the meantime, I realized that my medical records – including the counselor’s notes – were available for me to read. Male counselor diagnosed me with chronic PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I knew about the last two, but I never thought of myself as having PTSD at this point in life. Another note he had written in my notes:

Living situation: Lives with cat

Seriously. I literally laughed out loud, thinking, really? Am I that woman? Crazy cat lady that lives with cat? I was still laughing at the irony of it, but I was also thinking how fucking sad is my future?

(**NOTE: First visit with the female counselor, I felt she was easy to talk to; it was easy for me to open up. AND she actually listened to me, didn’t relate to herself, asked the appropriate questions… AND we started talking about the things I went there for in the first place. AND here was no mention of cats.)

Stuck in My Head – March Brain Dump

Lately I feel as if I’ve been stuck in my head, wanting to be alone, not really feeling sociable. I have a lot of things going on, a lot on my mind. Just started another new job that I’m unsure about already, been dealing with medical issues that I’m also unsure what the outcome will be. I’ve been finding myself not wanting to listen to noise or music or anything but silence or the wind or the birds or something natural. Nothing manmade, because I’m finding it more and more annoying to the point it’s causing confusion.

I’m not exactly liking where the world is heading. I’m big into nature and natural things, but it’s obvious greed is taking over and ruining some of the real luxuries of life – things that money cannot possibly buy. It’s depressing to watch.

I’ve lost interest in dating again. Besides it being so time-consuming getting to know someone that I can’t even be friends with, it’s so fucking exhausting. I just don’t have the energy to put into someone that I don’t have that much interest in – or put energy into someone that turns out to be an asshole. It takes away from my spirit, from my work, from my sleep habits… I just can’t do it anymore.

I’m also tired again. I was doing fine with getting my shit together right up until I met Toe Ring, then my sleep habits that I was finally getting under control went to shit again. Should I also mention I had great control of my drinking habits as well until he came along? I realize now I often let the wrong people into my life that aren’t the best influences, that don’t bring out the best in me, that don’t contribute to me feeling good about things. I know I’ve done this in the past, and I don’t want to repeat it. Only people that lift my spirit, not drown it.

I guess for now being alone is probably what’s best for me. I’m content with writing and doing my multiple other jobs and spending Friday nights home alone with my cat watching Dirty John or Temptation Island. It’s more entertaining and rewarding than dealing with someone that I shouldn’t be with and that drains my energy to the point of wanting to be alone again.

And Then I’ve Had Some Good Dates…

I know I’ve only been posting about my dates from hell, but I have actually had some pretty good dates over the years. However, most of those had no chemistry on my part. Obviously, I had three months of great dates AND chemistry with OC, so that bar has been set to only find good dates that also have chemistry.

Years ago before I was married, I had a good date with a doctor, but there was no chemistry. Same goes for another date to a Renaissance faire and again to dinner but no chemistry. I’ve even had friends with benefits types of dates in the past that were a lot of fun. Today, I remain friends with many of these guys. And obviously I had some great dates with the person I was with for nearly 10 years. I had a pretty good first date with Computer Guy until he got weird and insisted he only wanted a relationship not a friendship. I had another good first and last date with someone our acquaintance set me up with… and again, no chemistry on my part, and I didn’t think we had that much in common.

I have also had some other great dates with good food and drinks and conversation. The most recent was with a man originally from California that is a few years older than me and super accommodating. We spoke on the phone for several hours until late morning over three nights. I really enjoyed talking to him; he was a good listener and a genuinely sweet person. Cali drove an hour to meet me for dinner at a really nice restaurant. When I arrived, he had flowers waiting. Our meal was amazing, and the date went very well. I wanted to have that chemistry, but no matter how hard I wanted to, I wasn’t feeling it. I don’t know what was holding me back; maybe it was lack of chemistry, maybe it was intuition of something I haven’t figured out yet. Or maybe it was because he looked so much like someone else I’d briefly dated (they even drive the same car!). And that really sucks, because Cali would probably make a great boyfriend for someone. I knew he could tell that I wasn’t into him as he was to me. But I am not sure if I could develop something more over time if we remain friends and get to know each other more than just over the phone. I think he may be like Needy Guy and only wanting an immediate relationship, whereas I’m all about taking things slow.

I know Cali wants more than just a friendship, and so do I, but I think a relationship really needs to start off as a friendship to begin with – chemistry or not. I can’t just rush into a situation like I have in the past. And there are things about Cali that really do melt my heart, but I can’t allow that to be my reason for going forward with a relationship. Looking back, it’s exactly how I ended up married to a person I basically had nothing in common with and no chemistry (who was also very needy).

I want a man that both makes my heart melt AND my panties wet!

Also, I think that just because I can hold a conversation for hours with certain people doesn’t necessarily mean we’re meant for each other in a romantic way. Obviously, being able to communicate in any relationship is a must for anything to last. But it seems like a lot of men confuse the fact that just because I’m nice that I’m automatically into them. Cali kept mentioning how close he felt to me by our conversations, and I truly appreciate that. However, I have had conversations with several people throughout my life that were just as good and just as long without having a romantic relationship.

So what now? I think I’m at least getting somewhere by raising the bar for what I want and what I’m not going to tolerate. I have been extremely flexible (too flexible!) in dating people that don’t make my “list” of things, which turned out to be disastrous. But I know one thing is for certain – the mental (which to me includes intellectual and emotional), spiritual, and physical ALL have to be included in my next one. It often seems impossible.

Why I Will Never Date a Trump Fan Ever Again

Before anyone gives me their bright unsolicited political opinions, let me just say I’m on neither side of the fence. I’m straight in the middle. But against my own beliefs, I gave some people the benefit of the doubt to get to know in the dating world. What a mistake and a waste of time that was!

Looking back, I realized that most (if not all) of my bad dates were indeed Trump fans. Specifically, Kiss Fanatic, King Nothing, Pig, Frat Boy, Mr. Volatile, Redneck, Mr. Retired Military, and even some of the guest blogger/anonymous submissions – Drunk Cowboy and Racecar Driver. On paper, these guys seemed great. In person, they were complete douchebags.

And then there’s a more recent one that I met thru Bumble that I’ll refer to as Toe Ring, because he had a toe ring. He also knows about my blog, so if he’s reading this, I’m pretty sure his asshole is puckering. We had an amazing first date at a new sushi restaurant neither of us had yet visited. He was courteous, kind, and well-mannered, and he even gave me a flower when I showed up. I thought that was an extremely sweet gesture. Our conversation was great and flowed easily. After sushi we went to get a few drinks and talked some more and decided to head to my house to wind down. We kissed a few times and ended up falling asleep on my couch. It was very innocent and nice and different from most dates that I was used to. But it was short-lived.

Toe Ring and I were supposed to go to dinner one night but I was extremely tired and asked for a raincheck. The following week, Toe Ring came to my house (he worked late) after work just about every evening, brought some beers and ended up getting shitfaced every single time. I began to think he had a drinking problem and told him so. Not only that, but he started getting aggressive and grabbing my boobs and acting like a total asshole. The first time it happened I blamed it on the alcohol, but he did it again. Then he started pressuring me for sex after I had made it clear I wasn’t going to do that unless I’m in a relationship. I reamed him about it, telling him it’s really disrespectful and nothing like he acted on the first date. Besides, we’d only been on one actual dinner date, and the rest of the time he just crashed at my house.

I had to keep reminding Toe Ring that I’d like to take him up on that raincheck for dinner (even takeout would have been acceptable at some point), but he was either always working late or had some other excuse… or was too busy getting drunk at a hotel bar an hour from my house. I was also convinced that he had another woman or two on the back burner in case we didn’t work out. I would ask him questions and he would dance around them without actually saying yes or no every single time. I mean, maybe he wasn’t actually seeing anyone else, but I had the gut feeling he was probably texting or sexting other women. So I didn’t exactly trust him.

Still, Toe Ring insisted on seeing me when he got off work, but after a week or so, I started to get bored with the routine of watching him get shitfaced and keeping me up late, groping me, pressuring me for sex, and using my house as a motel… and then letting the alarm go off two or three times at 5am because he had to work. Then one evening he started talking about needing someone to go to his house early in the morning to wake his kids and take them to school… and I thought holy hell, this guy just wants a woman around because he needs a babysitter. NO WAY!

Valentine’s Day rolled around, and I wasn’t expecting to hear from Toe Ring, but around 8pm that evening he asked me if I wanted to go out and do something. Right… at 8pm. At that point, I was already out with my gay friend (since I knew he wouldn’t try to fuck me) and was so annoyed at the fact that if Toe Ring really wanted to see me, he’d have planned it ahead of time. He insisted on seeing me, because he doesn’t give a damn what I want, just his own selfish wants. By the time I saw him, it was 9pm, and we live in an area where dinner closes around 10pm. This time, I had already been drinking, and this time I was the shitfaced one. I don’t even remember going back to my house, but I do remember being sober enough that I slept in my leggings and sweater that I wore out that night, because I wasn’t about to allow him to grope me or try to have sex with me again. When his alarm went off at 5am, he got up and wanted to have sex. Again, I was disgusted by his behavior and lack of boundaries and told him no way. He said, “Just give me six minutes,” and I woke up out of my slumber and about lost it.

He’s really lucky I didn’t have a grenade in my hand at that point, because I’d have stuck it in his pants. I was fuming that he had zero class and zero respect for my feelings, my needs, and my boundaries. When Toe Ring left, I couldn’t get back to sleep, which made me fume even more, so I sent him a barrage of text messages telling him exactly how I felt and letting him know what a selfish asshole he was and how fake he was by acting all normal and decent on the first date instead of being his normal dickhead authentic self. He ended up apologizing that he’s sorry it didn’t work out. And then about a week later he sent me another message apologizing again about it not working out – but not about his horrible, shitty behavior. If he were truly sorry, he’d have taken a hard look at his behavior and did something about it. With that being said, I can’t be sorry that it didn’t work out, because I am the same person I was on that first date with nothing to hide that tolerated far too many things that I should have let go the first time it happened.

I don’t normally bring politics into my dating life, but after meeting these awful guys, I now see I need to… that I have to ask some prerequisite questions even before the conversation starts. And the one is: “Are you a Trump Fan?” because it will save me a lot of aggravation in the long run. I can be friends with just about anybody, but I’m not sharing my life or my bed with a Trump Fan ever again, and I’m definitely not letting any of those assholes grab me by the pussy!

Being the Rebound Girl

For whatever reason, I tend to attract guys that are newly single or somewhat undecided about their single status. It didn’t matter much when I first became single, but it’s been a good five years now, so obviously I’m in a different frame of mind. Now whenever I meet someone I make it a point to ask when their last relationship was… and then I move on, because 99% of the time, it’s within the past few months or so.

When I was newly single after the divorce, I dated someone off and on for several months that I’d gone to high school with but had never known. I say off and on, because neither of us wanted a relationship,; he had nothing to offer me, and he consistently pissed me off. He basically worked very little, drank a lot, had no driver’s license, and 4 kids that I later learned hated him. The whole thing was more of a convenience, since he lived extremely close to me, so it was easy to hang out. I also did some work for him for which he paid me well, and I was also his designated driver (he paid me) since he couldn’t drive. So that part seemed like a win/win for us both.

We did have a lot of fun together, however. We went boating and partied a lot… and then I eventually realized he was probably the biggest liar I’d ever met. Even though we weren’t in a “relationship” it seemed we had a mutual understanding to not sleep around with other people while we were together. I was adamant about not catching anything gross and I needed that emotional connection that was honest. Honesty was not his policy, whatsoever; he was sneaky, and the more I learned, the more I began to distance myself.

One evening I was bitching to my bartender friend about him. Another woman was sitting next to me and started asking details…

Does he live here and do “this” for a living? Yes and yes. His name is “Big Liar”? Yes. She looked at me and was really nice about it and said that she was also going through a divorce and started seeing him. I thought how and when, because I live so close and we’re together often.

When she told me the dates/times, that’s when I figured out it was when I was out of town visiting my family. She showed me text messages he’d sent her in the weeks while he was still with me – he was trying to hook up, but she was no longer interested. I was fuming, but not at her. I thanked her for telling me everything, and we’ve been friends ever since.

I ended up leaving and driving straight to his house to tell him what a piece of shit liar he was. He acted like he didn’t care one single ounce about my feelings. I left angry and in tears, hurt and confused. (I think I threw a glass that shattered on his porch – not at him but at the universe. Oh, well.)

But the shitty part was – I was still doing work for him and needed the money badly, so I had to continue dealing with him.

This isn’t the end of the story. Just this chapter for now.

Random Bad Dates from my 20s

I’ve been trying to throw things away to make room for more, but can’t seem to get rid of things like my old scrapbook of “Crushes, Dates, & Loves”. I should hand this down to my daughter, as I’m sure she could appreciate some of these stories. Some stories I barely remember – or not at all.

No Money Man:
This was supposed to be a weekend getaway, but it turned out that I couldn’t get away fast enough. Probably in my early 20s, I was invited to spend the weekend in another town. There was no chivalry whatsoever. He would walk at least 3 to 5 steps in front of me, sat down at the dinner table before me, didn’t bother to open car doors, asked me for money, “joked” by saying annoying, sarcastic, demeaning things, and would put his hands on me in public to show that I was with him. On top of it all, I ended up paying for dinner! Apparently, I never saw this person again. Why don’t I remember this person? Probably because I didn’t want to. He sounds like a total douche!

The Meat Packer:
He never became an actual date, but I saw him at least weekly, which made my grocery shopping more enjoyable. This guy worked at Publix’s  meat department, and we shared the same name. He’d flirted with me on several occasions, always making conversation, but he never asked me out. I was a single mom at the time, going to college and working a job or three. Meeting decent guys was difficult, because in those days “nobody wanted to date a woman with a kid (except maybe old men).” So I finally got the nerve to ask him out instead. His response: “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that very much.” I was pissed and embarrassed, so I started shopping at a different store. Sorry, Publix!

Stinky Pillow Guy:
Back before Tinder, Bumble, and Match, people used Yahoo Personals. I was in my mid to late 20s when I met a guy that lived about an hour or so away. He was very polite and very sweet, even in person. We got to know each other for a few weeks online and by phone, and when I met him, I liked him. Since he lived far and I didn’t want anyone at my house (it was also much easier for me to run far away!), I made plans to stay the night at his house – on the couch. Our date consisted of me giggling at the fact he didn’t have many table manners, but it wasn’t because he was rude; he was just inexperienced. We went to a sushi restaurant where he proceeded to wipe his face with the o-shibori that was presented to us at dinner. Then I watched him butcher sushi rolls with a fork, because he’d never eaten it before. We then rented movies that he talked through them the entire time. Finally, I prepared to sleep on his old pullout couch with an awful back bar that just about crippled me. Then he gave me a nice moldy pillow for my head, and I immediately suffered an allergy attack. Last, but not least, I guess he assumed he was going to sleep with me and took it upon himself to jump in bed next to me and put his measley hands all over me before he started snoring loudly. I managed to ease my way out and left in the middle of the night and never turned back.

The Pilots:
I live in an area where there are a lot of flight schools nearby, so whenever my friends and I went out, we’d always meet pilots. I was probably in my late 20s when I met a pilot from Venezuela. He was in his 30s, and we hit it off immediately. I thought he had a lot of class, intelligence, and was attractive – much different from the down-home Florida cracker types I was used to meeting. He’d told me he’d been divorced for 7 months, but hadn’t been together with the wife “in a long time”.

I was really looking forward to getting to know him better, but after the crooked married cop situation, I decided to do a little research. Lo and behold, there was no divorce. When confronted, he became defensive and thought I was being ridiculous. I told him to call me when the divorce was final. I got a call from him a few months later at the beginning of the summer, and supposedly the papers were signed. Then the asshole stood me up for a date.

At the end of July, I bumped into him at a club where he introduced me to his new girlfriend. Four months later, they were engaged. Fly away, birdie, fly away!

Another pilot I met at a Best Buy while we were both arguing with the jerk at the computer repair dept. He was sort of a foreign guy, seemed really cool, only a couple years older, and he was kind of hot. The first night we went out, he said, “I think I could fall in love with you.”

That was waaayyy too soon for a first date, and it completely scared me off, so I never called him again. I saw him around a few more times, and he thought I hated him. I didn’t hate him, but I was certainly not ready for the “L” word either.

Do you have any fun dating stories you’d like to share? Send them here!