Taking a new turn – a brain dump and secrets

originalI have decided that relationships are not for me. I can either have a career or a relationship, but not both. When I put my all into something, it’s 100%. I cannot juggle both things and make everyone happy. Not even myself, because at some point my passion is being extinguished by the demands of domestication.

The last time I gave up my income/job/career over a relationship (marriage), I ended up screwing myself. Big time. I can never allow myself to do that again. And now I am starting over – again. Quite frankly, I have grown tired of starting over. The instability is tiring.

Yesterday was the first day I sat down and wrote – something I hadn’t done in quite some time. Pages and pages of handwritten shit flying out of my mind onto yellow lined paper. Poetry, prose, thoughts. I guess you could say my brain took a dump – lots of shit was piled up inside my head… shit that I didn’t even know was there. I had pent up my feelings to no avail for going on close to two years.

How did I manage to last this long? Alcohol. Lots and lots of it. And no, I’m not proud. I have secrets. Lots and lots of them. Only a few select friends that understand me know about them.

My writing is taking a new turn – more for adults at this point. I have lots and lots of things to share that I wouldn’t normally dare to share with anyone… all about relationships and sex. Sordid details. Stay tuned.

 

 

Excerpt from Unheard: a Memoir – Chapter 8

Excerpt from Unheard: a Memoir – Chapter 8 – told from a child’s point of view

Even though the visits become less frequent, I look forward to visiting Daddy, and I have already forgiven Bianca for butchering my hair. Their house is always warm and cozy. Bianca has down comforters and nice pillows and warm beds, and they have a warm fireplace for the winter, air conditioning for the hot months, and things that I’m not used to having. I am even allowed to take hot baths and sit in the tub for as long as I want!

I have wanted to shave my legs since fifth grade, because my friends are already shaving and making fun of me. Mom says I have to wait until I’m thirteen, but when I speak to Bianca about it, she gives me a razor and tells me to go at it. It must have taken me an hour or more, and I cut myself a few times, but I am grateful to be able to do at least one thing all of my friends are doing. Plus, I don’t have boy legs anymore.

By the middle of the summer between sixth and seventh grades, I decide that I want to live with Daddy and Bianca. They convince me that living with them will be better than living with Marcus and his drinking and drug habits.

I agree, but know that I will miss Mom. I hate the thought of leaving the babies and her alone with Marcus. What if something happens and she needs me? I hesitate calling Mom on the phone because I fear her reaction.

“I don’t want to tell her,” I say to Dad and Bianca.

“You’re the one that has to tell her, not us,” Bianca says.

I pick up the phone. Mom answers. I’m crying.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“I don’t want to come home,” I say. “I want to stay here.”

I can tell she isn’t happy. But I also know that I might be in trouble if I do decide to go back home.

“Why don’t you come home and we’ll talk about it?” she says, but I feel that it is more than a suggestion.

My stomach knots. I can barely swallow. My heart races. I am scared to death and know I cannot turn back now. I cry harder. Daddy takes the phone from me. Bianca hugs me and says everything is going to be all right.

All I have to do is go back there to pack.

UNHEARD: a memoir Now Available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble!