I Wish I Wasn’t Me

**(NOTE: This was written many years ago, maybe 15-20.)

I remember when I used to be much more ignorant about the world, yet I was a much happier person because of it. I used to think life was simple and easy going. I used to think that life was all about having a job, getting married, and having kids. I used to have such an innocent outlook on things. Since, I’ve learned differently and my soul has been tainted with the negative side of life… a side that has made me wish I were someone else.

If what I don’t know doesn’t hurt me, then I’d live a life of bliss. Unfortunately, I think that knowing too much has done more harm than good. If I weren’t so good at English, then I wouldn’t care to notice everyone else’s horrible grammar and spelling. If hadn’t chosen an artistic field, then I wouldn’t be scrutinizing every little detail about others, as artists tend to do. If I hadn’t been born with the innate tendency to pick up on people, then I’d have no reason to worry about being a private investigator. If I’d chosen to be a housewife instead of having a career, then I wouldn’t be sitting here worrying about everything else. If I’d chosen to stay in a bad relationship rather than be single, then why do I feel I’d be better off with someone who doesn’t love me than no one at all? Would I be one of those wives that turn the blind eye on a cheating husband, or would I be too stupid to know any better?

If I were a stupid person, I’d be happy as hell because I wouldn’t know any better. There are enough stupid people around so I’d at least fit in with their group. At least stupid people feel loved – even when they’re not.

I get told often that I’m “beautiful”, “gorgeous”, “sexy”, etc… but I don’t feel it. How can people who say these things turn right around and say things that are equally as insulting and degrading, and then expect me to believe it? Or these same people’s actions prove they’re just liars. How can someone who doesn’t feel loved feel any of those good things at all?

If I wasn’t me, then would I be happier?

Depression and B-12 Deficiency

The other day when I posted this blog about how horrible I was feeling, I felt slightly better after writing it. However, slightly isn’t enough to get out of a deep, dark funk. That same day, I had also taken my monthly B-12 shot, which usually helps with energy if nothing more, but it takes a good day or so to really be felt in my system.

It’s abnormal for me to walk around crying and unable to function or cope with everyday life, and it happens suddenly and spirals out of control. I am extremely self-aware of how my body feels and how my mind is affected. I feel dazed, unable to concentrate, extremely depressed and anxious, and extremely hopeless in a tunnel without any light. It’s a terrible way to feel. This is what depression feels like to me.

On August 26, I had my pre-op bloodwork done, and some things came back as “low”. I had to google the jargon to figure out what it meant, and it seems that both lack of iron (I have anemia) and B-12 are the culprits here. I am convinced that the lack of B-12 is why my depression gets really bad like it did the other day, because I can easily control the iron deficiency with a pill. These were my results:

After doing some research and also being extremely aware of my body and the things it does, I am convinced that much of my depression is due to a B-12 deficiency. Two days after taking my shot, I felt like a different person – like a cloud has lifted. Today, I feel even better. But this is only temporary, because my body tends to use the B-12 quickly.

Unfortunately, I am only prescribed one shot of B-12 a month, and even though I take oral B-12 as well, it’s not enough. I eat enough foods with B-12 also, so for whatever reason, my body just doesn’t keep this supplement. I contacted my doctor about the bloodwork and my concerns, but I have yet to hear back from her. It’s been 3 days, which I feel is too long to wait when I’m feeling helpless. The last time I told my doctor I think I need the shots more often, she said my bloodwork was fine. Well, duh, it’s fine right after I take the shot up until about 2-3 weeks later. By the third week, I’m low again, which is when they should be testing me. I mean, to me, it’s just common fucking sense!

The doctor also told me this – which I don’t believe, and think she confused B-12 with iron supplements – that too much B-12 isn’t good for me. Total b.s.! I have researched very reputable references that say the complete opposite. Yes, too much iron can harm you, but not B-12.

And here’s another issue – I email the doctor, because it’s usually easier to communicate, but it’s the nurse that generally answers. There have been times the nurse has confused communication to the point that I’ve given up going back and forth. Today I emailed again about my concern, since I hadn’t heard from my doctor. The nurse answers me and asks where I’m getting the B-12 injections, because my records are showing it’s a provider outside the VA healthcare system. WHAT!!!???!!!

OMFG, are you kidding me!! I do not have a provider outside the VA, because if I did, I wouldn’t be emailing about a fucking vitamin that I need to function; I’d be contacting a doctor that wouldn’t think twice about giving me a prescription for it. Jesus Christ! I’m not asking for pain medicine; I’m asking for a harmless supplement so I don’t kill myself! Is this why so many veterans don’t use their medical benefits, and is this why so many veterans are committing suicide? It’s simple shit like this that can drive a person absolutely batshit crazy.

This time I cannot give up. This is my mental health we’re talking about here, and if I need an extra shot a month, then I should get it. I see that I can get it online cheaper for a pet than for a human, even though it’s the same damn thing, and I can get it without a prescription. More total b.s., but I may have to do just that. It shouldn’t be this difficult to solve a simple solution!

About to Lose My Mind – Depression, Anxiety, and I hate everything

I’m about to lose my fucking mind. Not joking. The amount of stress I’m feeling today and prior to today is really wearing on me.

This morning I spent 3 1/2 hours trying to fix things that shouldn’t be broken, things that I didn’t break, instead of doing something that makes me feel better. And this is the type of shit I seem to be dealing with on a weekly basis, because no one seems to know how to do their jobs.

I had a counseling appointment scheduled for this afternoon at the VA, but I realized that I hadn’t received the ten reminders I normally get when I have an appointment. Good thing I checked this morning, because I would have driven the 30 miles one way to get there only to find out someone canceled ALL of my upcoming counseling appointments. This is AFTER waiting for 3 months to see my counselor, because she is so booked. Second motherfucking time this has happened, and for someone with anxiety, depression, and PTSD, this is NOT a good thing.

Not only did I have to wait nearly three months for this counseling appointment, I had to reschedule another very important appointment (they put at the exact same time) that I’ve been waiting 19 years for. Yes, you read that right. 19 years! I have been dicked around for more than 20 years with the VA, and they still can’t get it right.

I have surgery in 10 days. I’m not nervous about it; I just want it overwith so I can have my physical life back. And because of the surgery, it’s getting more difficult to reschedule all of the shit that someone else fucked up. I will be out of commission for two months, so not only am I currently broke, I am super stressed about how I’m going to make it after surgery. Maybe I will end up living in my car after all.

Yesterday was a bad day. I’ve been getting migraines (sinus? Who knows?) a lot lately. I’m getting one now. Yesterday I had a migraine. I decided maybe a walk on the beach would do me good. So I went and didn’t stay long. I didn’t realize the heat index was 106, so on top of being overly hot, it was crowded, and I didn’t feel like being around people. Then I went home and cried for the rest of the afternoon.

I don’t trust people, and I’m really beginning to hate people, and I’m becoming more and more introverted. I don’t normally feel hatred towards anyone, but for whatever reason, ever since dating Toe Ring and recently seeing OC around town, I’m feeling hatred towards people (including those two). I feel like the only way to get by in this world is to be a fucking asshole, and I hate fucking assholes. It seems like the only way to be successful is to be one. I hate this world.

I don’t fit in anywhere, and I realize I never have, so it’s hard to like anyone when I don’t trust them. I don’t even feel like I have real friends anymore. I have friends that are my friends when they are bored and no one else is there to entertain them, or they’re my friends when they need something. Other than that, I’m on my own.

I haven’t been leaving the house much unless I have to. For the most part, I haven’t felt like being around people, because they annoy the shit out of me and give me anxiety. I don’t want to be out in public. I haven’t been doing any of the normal things I usually do, because I haven’t felt like it. Maybe it’s the excruciating Florida heat. Maybe it’s the depression. And it seems when I do feel like doing anything, something comes along and fucks it all up, so why bother?

Being broke doesn’t help, because I need to save gas. I need my car fixed. I really need a chiropractor (probably why I have migraines). I am trying to decide to either get rid of internet or my phone so I have some grocery money, but I need to have both to get things done. It’s a no-win situation. Some of the jobs I’ve been doing are hit or miss, unpredictable, and often unreliable. I guess this is the way it is with jobs nowadays. It’s bullshit, if you ask me.

A few weeks ago, I had to put food back at the grocery store, because I needed maxi pads, because I wouldn’t stop bleeding. How unfair is it that women have to choose between food and pads, but men don’t? I hate being a woman. Men are clueless about the shit we have to deal with. It must be nice to be clueless. Maybe that’s the key to happiness.

Sometimes I feel like the Universe hates me. That I don’t belong here. That it’s trying to tell me to get the fuck out of it. That everything that sucks is a reminder that I’m just a middle-aged loser with nothing to look forward to… whose dreams are dead and bloated.

I fucking hate life right now.

Single White Female With PTSD (Lives With Cat)

After twenty-something years of b.s. with the Veteran’s Administration to get my medical benefits and counseling, I think I finally have it all straightened out. Two years ago I attempted to get counseling, because I had been through a divorce and numerous things that I could no longer deal with on my own, and then a close friend died suddenly. I knew that it was time to talk to a professional.

The VA finally scheduled me for my first counseling appointment, but I wasn’t aware it was at a different location than the normal one, so I was running a little late. I was there a good hour talking to an older woman that reeked of cigarette smoke, and the thing she seemed to only focus on was asking about my cats. I wasn’t there to talk about my freaking cats; I was there for real issues.

Anyway, the VA later canceled my future appointment, because the counselor would be out that day. Then suddenly, they canceled EVERY future appointment and had no record of me visiting the first time. NONE. Seriously. I was super pissed and explained who I saw and what happened with me being a few minutes late. They finally figured it out, but then they contacted me by letter to tell me I didn’t qualify for VA benefits (I did; they were wrong again). This happened to me twice in two years. Now, when someone needs counseling and isn’t getting it AND is told incorrect information AND someone is fucking around with medical benefits, it can make a person really lose it. I told them no wonder veterans are committing suicide every day, because this is the type of shit the VA puts them through. I probably cussed out the wrong people, but guess what? They fixed it. Finally.

So this year – two years later – I’m finally getting counseling. Except that they set me up with a male counselor that I could not open up to, because I have female issues that only a female can relate to. I had three appointments with a male counselor that I felt was focusing on things that I didn’t care to talk about. I had other things I needed to address. He also “related” to me by telling me things about himself, but he did this on all three occasions (repeated himself), and I was bored and shut down. I wasn’t there to listen to him talk about himself. I just sat there in his hot, stuffy office staring at his funny curly hair and thinking about how much I wanted to cut it. On the last session with him, he suggested I see a female counselor, so I put in my request.

In the meantime, I realized that my medical records – including the counselor’s notes – were available for me to read. Male counselor diagnosed me with chronic PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I knew about the last two, but I never thought of myself as having PTSD at this point in life. Another note he had written in my notes:

Living situation: Lives with cat

Seriously. I literally laughed out loud, thinking, really? Am I that woman? Crazy cat lady that lives with cat? I was still laughing at the irony of it, but I was also thinking how fucking sad is my future?

(**NOTE: First visit with the female counselor, I felt she was easy to talk to; it was easy for me to open up. AND she actually listened to me, didn’t relate to herself, asked the appropriate questions… AND we started talking about the things I went there for in the first place. AND here was no mention of cats.)

Stuck in My Head – March Brain Dump

Lately I feel as if I’ve been stuck in my head, wanting to be alone, not really feeling sociable. I have a lot of things going on, a lot on my mind. Just started another new job that I’m unsure about already, been dealing with medical issues that I’m also unsure what the outcome will be. I’ve been finding myself not wanting to listen to noise or music or anything but silence or the wind or the birds or something natural. Nothing manmade, because I’m finding it more and more annoying to the point it’s causing confusion.

I’m not exactly liking where the world is heading. I’m big into nature and natural things, but it’s obvious greed is taking over and ruining some of the real luxuries of life – things that money cannot possibly buy. It’s depressing to watch.

I’ve lost interest in dating again. Besides it being so time-consuming getting to know someone that I can’t even be friends with, it’s so fucking exhausting. I just don’t have the energy to put into someone that I don’t have that much interest in – or put energy into someone that turns out to be an asshole. It takes away from my spirit, from my work, from my sleep habits… I just can’t do it anymore.

I’m also tired again. I was doing fine with getting my shit together right up until I met Toe Ring, then my sleep habits that I was finally getting under control went to shit again. Should I also mention I had great control of my drinking habits as well until he came along? I realize now I often let the wrong people into my life that aren’t the best influences, that don’t bring out the best in me, that don’t contribute to me feeling good about things. I know I’ve done this in the past, and I don’t want to repeat it. Only people that lift my spirit, not drown it.

I guess for now being alone is probably what’s best for me. I’m content with writing and doing my multiple other jobs and spending Friday nights home alone with my cat watching Dirty John or Temptation Island. It’s more entertaining and rewarding than dealing with someone that I shouldn’t be with and that drains my energy to the point of wanting to be alone again.

January 2019 Brain Dump

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and keeping to myself. I try to make myself get out once in a while so I don’t get cabin fever, but I haven’t really had the energy to bother. I’ve been eating like shit, then healthy… and either living healthy or not doing the healthiest things like I should be. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. It’s a rollercoaster, and I hate rollercoasters.

I’ve been up and down with how I’ve been feeling, and I hate it. However, I am perfectly aware that my cranky times are when I’m hungry, tired, in pain, and/or having PMS. I can only control the hunger part, and healthy eating is vital to my mental state. Everything else takes its own course, and it’s depressing. Sometimes I attribute some depression to iron and/or B12 deficiency, because I have had anemia in the past, so I try to take supplements. I eat pretty well, so I’m not sure why this is happening. I feel like my body is a changing mess, and I’m not liking it. And I’m sure whatever shit is being put into our food contributes to it all. And I definitely have more physical issues in the winter months.

I started gaining control of the insomnia for a few weeks – not sure what changed that, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been writing so much and getting all of this brain shit out of my system. Deleting the dating sites and not dating at all helped. But then the insomnia came back last week, and my sleep pattern is all screwy again. So now I’m tired and achy, which makes the depression come back. Oh yeah, and the obnoxious construction and lawn crews in the area with their obnoxious machines making obnoxious noises that wake the entire neighborhood seven days a week didn’t help.

I haven’t had sex in way too long, which also probably adds to the depression. But I refuse to have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with; it’s just not worth it emotionally, and I really don’t trust anyone enough to get involved. I’ve only cuddled with someone once in the past 3+ months, and while it was really nice, I don’t know who else that person is with, so I can’t let myself get too close. I’m afraid to get too close to anyone, even though I want to. I miss the euphoric feeling of liking someone a lot and being liked back as much, but I can’t do any of this short-term shit. I mean, I guess if you don’t spend time with someone, you don’t know, but the disappointments get old and tiring. I feel like every time I meet someone, I either like them or they like me but not mutually. Or it seems when I meet someone I like, they quickly move on to the next woman (or lie about seeing other women), so why bother trying to get to know anyone?

People say you won’t get disappointed if you don’t have expectations. But it’s imperative to have expectations, because we all have standards, right? Looking back, I see I had significantly lower standards than what I should have had, which is probably why I have a lot to write about. (I’d probably be more concentrated on writing fiction if I had a love life.)

The other day I felt the need to find a motivational speech or something “happy” to listen to found something on TED Radio. The speaker talked about how people who have healthy, functional relationships are in better health and much happier when they’re older. It was a 75-year study and quite interesting. I also notice that people who have closer friends (i.e. best friends) and close family relations tend to be happier. I mean, it makes sense, right? I often feel like such an outsider and infrequently experience the feelings of being close to anyone. I don’t fit into groups at all; in fact, I despise them and begin to feel claustrophobic and anxious… unless it’s a classroom situation, then I’m okay. While I love being with the people I love, I can only take so much of them, and then I want to be alone again. And when I’m in a relationship, I can’t be smothered; it needs to be an even balance of space, or I will flee. I often feel like something is wrong with me. Is this normal?

I have a lot of personal decisions to make, but not all of it depends on me alone. Opportunities and other factors have a lot of play in that. I want to travel. I don’t want to continue doing some of the work that I do that doesn’t exactly help me spiritually except to pay the bills. My main job is a clusterfuck of b.s. and drama, and the energy there isn’t fitting me. I don’t care if I have a job that takes me out of town – I just want to get out as much as possible and make money – but I have to enjoy what I do or forget it. Lived through this long enough. But it seems like all of the good opportunities were 20+ years ago. Oh, to be young again…

Depressed or Just Changing?

Having suffered from depression since I was a child, I absolutely know how to recognize the signs. Sometimes I notice I get more depressed when I’m not eating properly or working out the way I should. But I also get depressed from circumstances out of my control. When it comes to my own life and things I have no control over, I get really down on myself and hopeless. So yeah – I can sit back and let things flow – but in reality, that doesn’t always work.

After trying so many things and either failing or giving up out of boredom or just knowing something isn’t right for me, I’m not even sure which direction to go. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to get there. Just getting to where I am now – which to me, doesn’t seem like I’ve gone far at all the past five years – feels like I’m constantly trudging through mud. Every single thing that I have worked on hasn’t worked out (except where I live so far). I have stopped planning and stopped setting goals altogether, because in the big picture, it all seems unattainable and unicorn dreaming. Been there, done that.

I get so frustrated sometimes when all I do is work towards something only to have it work in the opposite direction or have it taken away. Several years ago, I was meditating and attempting to manifest all of these wonderful things I wanted in my life. The problem was, I was still married at the time, and when you have someone else in the picture not on the same page, all of that manifesting work can be lost. The years I’d spent trying to gain a better life were wasted on someone else undoing them. Talk about feeling totally fucked by the Universe. I feel as if I am unable to lift myself back up and trust again.

And I am completely aware that I’m going through life changes – emotionally and physically. At this point, I have zero motivation to do anything except be a hermit. I have distanced myself from people that don’t interest me; I have also distanced myself from most people altogether as of late. I stay at home a lot, probably because we’ve had nothing but rain every single day, and I’m an outdoors person. I can see changes in my body that I’m not liking at all, which in our society, is hell on a woman. Right now, I can honestly say that I’ve been depressed for the past several years – even while I was still married. Not 100% of the time, but most of it – more than half for certain. I’m unhappy with my job, my finances, and my nonexistent love life. I worked really hard at all of these things my entire life, only to just fall back to zero. Last year I attempted to get counseling through the VA, but they’re pretty screwed up and canceled all of my appointments and didn’t even have a record of me attending the first and only appointment, so I gave up. Off and on for several months, I’ve been in a lot of pain. That certainly doesn’t help with depression either.

For the past several weeks, I haven’t wanted to be around people or do anything social, which is a bit unlike my normal self. I’m alone much of the time, which is fine but not all of the time. It always helps when I’m around friends or at least one person I can talk to, even if it’s just on the phone. I have reached out to people, and I feel ignored. I’m the type of person that always has an open ear to a friend, but I can’t say I’m getting the same in return. I only want to spend time with people that bring light into my life and are true and understanding, which for whatever reason, seems so difficult to find. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere in any group situation, but I also feel like I don’t shine. My regular job isn’t stimulating and pays next to nothing, so that doesn’t help my circumstances. I’ve been working on changing that as well. I have more than one job – none of which make me want to sing and dance. I’m just tired of it all.

When I’m happy, I sing and I dance. And that’s been a long time. All I want is to feel good again, to feel happy, to feel wanted and loved… to sing and dance again.