Facebook Dating: Another Online Fail

Maybe my friends and frenemies are tired of seeing me without a significant other that makes me as unhappy as they are. Who knows, but someone talked me into trying Facebook dating, claiming it’s “better than the other sites,” and that I needed to be more open-minded. Whatever. I already know what dating sites are about, which is why I swore off of them a year ago. My synopsis is that most of the people on those sites are hiding who they really are, super desperate, super flawed, newly out of a relationship, trolls, and/or players. I want none of the above. So I tried Facebook dating and found it to be a complete waste of time, not to mention adding more to my life’s aggravation.

The first guy I matched with, “Joe”, was cool to talk to and responsive, looked normal in his photos (although I did give him shit about the bathroom mirror selfie). Responsive is something I appreciate, because if I’m going to take the time out to be on a stupid dating app, I don’t want to wait four days for a reply to “where are you from originally?” And another week for another reply. Joe isn’t from my area originally, which I prefer, but moved to Florida about a year ago. After chatting enough with Joe, I asked if he’d like to meet. That’s when he informed me he did not have transportation. Say what?! Yep, Joe’s story started to make a lot more sense after that bit of information. He’d left a long-term relationship and his children in another state a year prior, but doesn’t talk much about that. He’s “building a business” but working for someone else, relying on his boss to drive him around, left all of his crap (vehicle included) in the other state. I informed Joe that I wasn’t looking for a penpal, and what was he expecting by not having a vehicle? Seriously, dude, wtf??? Joe danced around his words and said he would figure it out. Sorry, Joe Schmoe, get your shit together if you’re over 40 want to date a decent woman! If I wanted to dodge bullets, I’d have stayed in the army! Delete.

Next guy that “liked me” is someone I met and went on a very brief one-time-only date about six years ago when I was newly separated. Six years ago, “Harry” was a firefighter and too touchy-feely for someone I had just met. He had a 5-o’clock-shadow as hard as boar bristle, and he tried sticking his tongue in my mouth, and just… eww. I was sooo not into him. He got offended when I told him to slow it down, that we’d just met. Then a few days later, he actually got mad at me for not being into him, as if I should fall in love before I even file for divorce. Dumbass. Anyway, when I saw that Harry liked me again, I sent him a message reminding him we’d already dated, and didn’t he remember me? He said he remembered that I liked his roommate better. I don’t recall that, maybe I thought the roommate would save me from boar-bristle, tongue-jabbing Harry. I wasn’t about to argue with Harry, so I deleted him.

I matched with a few other guys that were mostly unresponsive, and I’m not chasing after any man, especially if they show no interest. But then there was “Max,” claiming to be “an extremely bashful old soul.”

I really liked what Max had to say in his profile, has been single for nearly as long as I have (which is unheard of), and he was good looking. But I found it difficult to communicate with Max. He was also working a lot “building his business”. I asked him why he’s on a dating site if he’s too busy to date. I should have given up on him after this comment, but he said he’s hoping that he will find a woman that sticks around and understands he has to work a lot, and later she will reap the rewards. Say what?! What kind of fucking fantasy are these men living in? I told him that if he expects he’s going to find a woman to sit back and wait around for him, he’s certainly missing the point of dating, and what is he really expecting, because people have emotional needs? You can’t get to know someone that’s never around, and if he isn’t around, a woman will find someone that is. I was brutally honest with him, because of his claim of being single for so long. I mean, someone has to tell him, right?

Max finally started messaging me a little more consistently. After two weeks of this, I said, “Hey, I don’t want a penpal, and I want to delete this app soon. Do you want to meet?” He mentioned on Wednesday something about getting sushi on Saturday night. It wasn’t a set date, but a suggestion… and it appeased me for the moment.

And then I didn’t hear from Max.

Saturday rolled around, still no messages from Max. However, Max had enough time to post new photos and update his profile. Really… I said, “I see you updated your photos,” and I reminded him I was about to delete my profile in case he still wanted to meet. He replied that he was “bored at work” adding more pics and info, but never replied to my other message about meeting. Why I bothered to give him a chance after that, I don’t know, but I said, “I see you didn’t reply to my other message. I get it, but if you’re not interested in meeting, why would you match with me? Good luck with your search.” I gave him ample time to reply with something, anything… even a “good luck” back. Crickets.

No reply = fuck you, Max! Fuck you for wasting my time and giving me a glimmer of hope for conversation and sushi on a Saturday night. Game-playing asshole!

I gladly deleted my profile the next morning. I prefer to meet people organically so that I can pick up on their vibes and bullshit immediately before wasting time messaging those who are “too busy” for anything. Facebook dating is a fail, just like all of the others!

Things that make me Batshit Crazy

A person can only take so much shit before they lose it. I discovered this about myself the other night when I lost my shit in public. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not sorry for it at all – and the reason is this: Those people were not my friends; they are merely gossip bottom feeders and shit starters that rely on fake friendships to feel better about themselves. At the very least, I hope I acted crazy enough so that they never fuck with me again.

In order to make myself feel better, I rely on nature and quiet times. When I moved to my house five years ago, it was a fairly quiet neighborhood. There was a tree line behind the house that I wasn’t aware until last year that blocked most of the traffic noise. Then someone built a house. It’s amazing how much trees can absorb noise. Unfortunately, overdevelopment has increased the amount of noise, as well as those stupid ass leaf blowers that never seem to turn the fuck off all over the neighborhood all days of the week, all hours of the day. And don’t get me started about the shitty dog owners that allow their big dogs to bark all day long. Too much “city life” type of living gives me anxiety, which is why I live where I do. But when I can’t even enjoy the place I live (and also work from home most of the time), I feel like it may be time to move on.

Some people think working from home means you don’t have a job, you’re available 24/7, and you will do things for them for free. I used to do things for free, but not anymore. When I see these same cheap asses shell out $300 for a name brand purse or some other sweatshop overpriced designer bullshit, then they can come up with the money for what I offer that I don’t sell out to children in a third world country. When they tell me they can get it cheaper elsewhere, go for it! You get what you pay for… and I have no desire to do anything for people that don’t value my work.

Something that not only feels like a waste of my time and my life, but also that I should never have to do, is someone else’s job. I am constantly finding myself doing the job of whomever at the VA or VA claims that can’t seem to find my paperwork or medical records. I’m at the point of about to hire an attorney, because I have literally spent HOURS of my life to get absolutely nowhere – for twenty years!

If I’m in a conversation with someone that is constantly checking or answering their phone, forget it. I give up. I have also been on (horrible) dates that have done this. Grow the fuck up and show some respect or get the fuck out. I actually have stopped mid-sentence and stopped talking altogether, because obviously what I have to say isn’t that important, so why waste my breath? It’s so inconsiderate to do that to anyone.

So imagine someone with depression, anxiety, and PTSD (during the holidays) being approached with all of the above in the same week or two… total recipe for batshit crazy.

Enough said.

Living Without a Purpose

It’s days like today I wish I’d been an abortion and wonder why in the hell I’m even on this planet. It’s also days like today that remind me of why I refuse to own a gun or glad I don’t have a gas oven. Oftentimes, it’s the people that you love the most that remind you that your purpose in life is unclear and nothing you do is important or good enough, no matter how good your intentions are, especially when already deeply depressed.

I realize that it’s been a long time since I felt I had a sense of purpose. How long? I cannot even remember, but maybe ten years or more. That was a time when I was married and had my home business. I would get up every morning and write or do other work, take care of household chores and pets, and deal with a teenager. I suppose having a relationship (that helped with financial stability) and a child at home helped me to feel a sense of purpose as well, made me feel like I mattered to someone, even if it was only for cooking and cleaning and being there when someone needed me. Plus, I was happy with the work I was doing. It was the time when I wrote my first book, wrote screenplays, and had articles and photography published in various places. I often feel like that was the shining moment in my life, and I won’t get it back or see it again. Although I would love for it to happen again, I also feel that I would be chasing unicorn dreams instead of facing reality.

Another time I felt a sense of purpose was about 19 years ago. Since I was a child, I wanted to be just like the teachers that I looked up to, so I became a teacher. I started out truly enjoying what I did, even though it was stressful. I quickly realized I was not going to make the cut of one of those “great teachers,” because I had too many personal responsibilities that wouldn’t allow me to focus solely on my career. Then things changed dramatically in our flawed American public education system, and teaching was no longer rewarding. I went to work every day feeling dread, came home feeling unappreciated and overworked. Health issues started when I was at my last teaching job; the amount of stress put me in the hospital, which of course caused more financial stress. I realized that I had to move on to another field if I wanted to keep my sanity and health.

Shortly after my divorce, I found a job working for a new company that seemed promising, so I thought maybe this is where I’m needed in life, and just maybe I could build from there. The starting pay was terrible, however, the hours were what I wanted, and I was told things would change financially within a few months. The only thing that changed was financially worse and discovering I was working for people running a scam, and their business (not surprisingly) went under.

A couple of years ago, even though the pay was pathetic and nearly minimum wage, I became a home health aide, thinking that maybe it would be rewarding, because I’d be helping someone in need. Anyone that has worked in this field quickly finds out that family members of the people you take care of and spend hours and hours with don’t always appreciate the work you do, even when you do extra things not required. In fact, they start expecting more, and no matter what, you don’t get paid more. The only thing it did was make me more depressed than I already was, because not only did clients pass away, I was sitting around in someone else’s house all day and/or cleaning it and taking care of the family’s large, annoying dogs that were another job in itself.

There are many days I wake up eager for night to fall again just so that I can go back to sleep. I don’t want to look at or speak to anyone or leave the house. When I’m not feeling well physically, like I have been lately, it exacerbates the depression. I do my best to force myself to either write or do artwork or at least clean the house or a closet or something to get myself moving. It’s a daily struggle, and it has been for years, and no one that hasn’t been through it will ever understand what it’s like to wake up every single day without a purpose or feeling that you matter in the world.

PTSD Triggers and Losing My Sh*t

I have never been kicked out of a place before, but  that changed the other night, and I am not the type of person to lose my shit like that. I will leave a place before I lose my cool, so I am surprised at myself, actually. It wasn’t expected, but there were three things going on all at once that triggered PTSD.

Here’s a little backstory on something that happened recently: I had seen OC out a couple of times with the woman he’s dating. I didn’t think it bothered me; perhaps I suppressed my feelings, but my feelings weren’t towards them. My feelings were about how I felt when he ghosted me, and for whatever reason, those feelings came back in full force, as if it had happened all over again. I didn’t eat or sleep well for about a week, and I had that same knot like I’d been kicked in the stomach that I had two and a half years ago. I don’t understand why I had these feelings except maybe the stress and depression around the holidays also triggered something else that I have yet to deal with.

OC’s girlfriend happens to be a bartender at a place I sometimes go. I think she’s a nice person, and I never have problems with anyone. I happened to be there when she was working, and there were cute puppy videos on the tv we were watching. She then showed me a pic of her dog and said something about her boyfriend of six months (surprised he lasted that long with anyone). Then we got onto the subject of the boyfriend (OC). I told her I had dated him, wish I’d never met him, said I think he’s sneaky and a liar and filled her in on my side of the story. I don’t think she knew he and I dated. I told her I hope she breaks his heart. I wish nothing bad on her whatsoever, but perhaps she is also avoiding the red flags and warning signs that I had.

In the meantime, someone else walked into that bar that I hadn’t seen in quite some time, and it set off another trigger. I don’t know what happened, but my mind just shut down at some point. I was still talking to the bartender when someone else that knows nothing about me piped in and started talking shit to me about me. First of all, I’m not going to let anyone talk shit to me, especially when they don’t even know me enough to attend my funeral. This is a person that has zero room to talk, but I suspect she gets her information about me from a frenemy, so that’s when I lost my shit. I told her to fuck off, told her to shut the fuck up, called her a stupid fucking cunt, and at some point I don’t remember what else I said. I must have been blackout angry by that point. Actually, I was yelling, which is something I never do unless I have just had enough. It’s been a long time since I’ve yelled at anyone. Maybe it’s what I needed before I exploded inside.

Between PTSD triggers, anger, and alcohol, that was it for me. I was told to leave the bar, which I was attempting to do at that point anyway, and I was getting up to leave and gathering my things. I think they thought I was going to physically attack her (I’m not a fighter), so I was grabbed and pushed out. Not a loss, actually, because it’s the place that I feel a lot of the douchebags I’ve written about here hang out; I just like the music there.

I have never dealt with certain things that have happened to me, because I find it difficult to talk about and blame myself for a lot of it. Now that I’ve identified a trigger or three, maybe I can begin to work with it in my next counseling session.

New Year Not As Planned

So far, my new year hasn’t gone as planned whatsoever. I was attempting to focus on healing physically and emotionally, and I was determined to get it right this time. I’ve started working out again – yoga, long walks, and my first bike ride in months.

On New Year’s Day, I was recovering from lack of sleep, taking it easy and getting some work done on my laptop. A “friend” stopped by after drinking a bottle of vodka (I wasn’t aware at the time how much) and got on my nerves like most drunks do before she passed out while I babysat her. I had some cards and a book by Shannon Kaiser that I wanted to work with, and when I showed her, she laughed. I was not amused, and I sent her home. I don’t need anyone getting in my way of my healing/recovery. I just want to be happy, because being depressed is no way to feel.

Same friend also talked me into trying Facebook dating, which has also been a waste of time like all of the dating sites. One match has no vehicle. Another one has no time. What the fuck. Why be on there? I don’t need a penpal. Said friend tells me I need to be more open minded about meeting men. Just because she matches with a shit ton of men doesn’t mean I’m closed minded about who I meet. I’m just careful, I have standards about spending quality time with quality people, and I’m not looking to date multiple men. It would be nice to find just one with an actual brain (and a vehicle), but I’m not holding my breath.

I have an upper respiratory/cold that started just around New Year’s Eve and has gotten progressively worse. Last night I was up coughing most of the night, which of course, disturbed my much needed sleep, which caused me to sleep later, and I missed important phone calls from my doctor. The other day I had some pain and bleeding as if I’d started my period, even though I no longer have a uterus. So now I have another doctor’s appointment to see what’s going on, and I’m afraid I’m going to need yet another surgery. I don’t start another job for at least 3 more weeks, but if I have to have another surgery, I won’t be going.

The other night, I was talked into going out, even though I told myself I would stay in. I should have listened to myself instead of other people, but I figured it was the weekend and just one more time out before I start a new week. My ride left, and when I went to take an Uber, my phone completely died on me. No one was around, and it was late, and I ended up walking five miles to my house.

I realize I need to completely change my circle of friends and my habits if I want to heal properly. Since the holidays, I drank way too much alcohol, and I need to find alternative things to do, even if I do it alone, because ultimately I’m alone anyway. A healthier lifestyle is what I want for myself, which means I need to find people that are like-minded.

End of Year Brain Dump 2019

I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally lately. I don’t know if it’s the holidays or a combination of things that have kicked in, things that have triggered PTSD, anxiety, and depression back full force, causing me to lose sleep and lose my appetite again. I seemed to have been doing fine up until about a month ago. I need to get back to counseling, but I don’t have my next appointment until the end of January.

What changed? Some of my habits changed. Since the holidays are here, I’ve been going out more, which means drinking more, which has brought up some suppressed feelings about things I wasn’t ready to deal with before. Suddenly, I’m aware of things that I don’t want to think about, but I’m unsure what to do with these feelings.

Major anxiety and depression has my mind going back and forth, creating stories that don’t exist (this is where I need to put them into a fiction story just to get it out), and I can’t focus on anything. I haven’t been this bad in two years. My appetite has changed. I don’t have much of one, and I don’t know if it’s due to stress (I tend to not eat when I’m stressed) or other things that I’m allowing to bother me. Perhaps it’s hormonal, but I don’t think this is.

Holidays. Parts of my family do not get along or speak to each other anymore, which makes it difficult on everyone trying to get together. It also makes it sad for the rest of us. Being single once again during the holidays is also taxing, kicking in reminders of how our society views women as failures for being single at all.

All of this reminds me of when I was a senior in high school when my first boyfriend cheated on me and dumped me without telling me. I was devastated. I have that same gut anxiety feeling right now. I remember then that I couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep, but I rode my bike a lot just to let out some physical angst. The only thing different is that I’m in my 40s, haven’t been working out, and I have more life experience. So why is this awful feeling coming back? Triggers.

I suppose I need to learn to recognize what really triggers all of this, but I’m thinking it probably has a lot to do with abandonment issues and feelings of lack of love and trust from people that I’ve loved and I thought loved me, too. At this point, do I even know what love is, because what I thought was love apparently was not. Hmmm….

Friendships Based on Trust

To me, time spent with someone is something you can never get back, so I don’t like to waste it on people that ultimately don’t care about me. I do not take friendships or any type of relationship lightly. If I’m going to call someone a friend, then it means they’re special enough for me to spend time with. Of course, there are different levels and types of friendships, but if I’m going to call someone a “friend,” it means that I have trust in that person. Broken trust isn’t mendable to me, as I don’t have time for it.

Recently, I met a guy that worked at a farm where I buy eggs and honey. I hadn’t seen him there in the past, but the first time I met him, as I was leaving he said to me that I was “gorgeous, by the way.” I was completely taken aback, because I hadn’t expected it, especially having no makeup and my hair looking like a rat’s nest that day, not to mention my frumpy clothing. The next time I went to the farm, we chatted longer, and he said something about getting coffee, so I gave him my business card. Then I didn’t hear from him.

The following week I went back to the farm, and he said he’d lost my card and could he have another one? I said sure, now that you have my number, use it. When I left, he’d texted me right away so that he didn’t lose my number again. I said I figured I didn’t hear from you because you had a girlfriend or something. He said, no nothing like that. He complimented me a lot in a way that a man will compliment a woman he’s interested in dating, not someone to just be friends. But then my gut told me something wasn’t right. I thought maybe he was a convict or something shady, but I figured out his last name, looked him up, and it turns out he has a wife of only 6 months! When I confronted him, he tried to backtrack and say he just needed someone to talk to (what am I, a therapist??), and that he just “wanted a friend”. I told him that he’d flat out lied to me, so there is no friendship for me with anyone that lies. He made excuses; I told him to have a nice life. I’m just glad I didn’t waste another moment of my time putting effort into a friendship based on dishonesty.

That brings me to another story about someone else that claimed to be a friend but in actuality is a frenemy. I learned years ago that she had talked shit about me while I was going through my divorce. The last thing that I needed was someone pretending to be my friend at a time when I needed true friendship the most. Fast forward to a couple of years ago when she needed some information on a guy she was dating, and when I told her what I knew, she insinuated that I was interested in dating him, which wasn’t the case at all. More recently, this frenemy created a passive-aggressive hashtag that I knew was directly aimed at me, and that’s when I decided to just block her. I never considered her an actual friend anyway, because my actual friends do not act the way she does.

The definition of friendship is a state of mutual trust and support. It’s a pretty simple concept, but I guess some people will never get it. I’d rather be alone than with someone I cannot trust.