Working Thru PTSD and Being Emotionally Unavailable

Sometimes things happen that will forever change a person’s life. Forever change who that person is. Some things have forever changed me, and even though I pretend to be strong, these things have weakened me in many ways. Just when I started working through the PTSD, something else came along and set me right back. In the past month, I have felt pretty good for only one day – both physically and mentally. That’s not enough for me.

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection over the past few months, going thru my old writings, and realizing that I have completely lost myself. I don’t even write the same. I stopped working out. Nothing interests me at all. I lost who I am, I lost my enthusiasm for life, my motivation to do anything I used to enjoy, my spark. Why? Because I spent too much time focused on giving myself to those that didn’t value me. And now I feel I have nothing left to give to anyone else except myself.

What the fuck was I thinking giving my time and energy to those unworthy assholes??! I suppose it’s because it’s the way I was conditioned since childhood, as many women are. It’s really hard to break a pattern that’s been going on for over 40 years, especially without guidance or cheerleaders. I feel as if I’m constantly searching for something that works, for people that believe in me. I guess no one else will if I don’t believe in myself, but how do you even begin to believe in yourself? 

This struggle has to stop. Over the past few months I realize that I have spent too much time and energy on relationships that were doomed from the beginning instead of focusing my energy on things that would build me up and make me happy. I honestly have no desire to date; I can only be friends with a man, and if he can’t be just friends, then he can go fuck himself. I just want to write, create things, be one with nature, and heal. For now, I am the one that’s emotionally unavailable. And I am okay with that.

A lot of this has to do with so many of the fucktards I’ve dated and keep running into in this small town. How did I not notice what pieces of shit these men are? I only chose to find the good things in people instead of seeing head on the narcissistic, selfish assholes that cared absolutely nothing about me. Even men that I didn’t date – those I trusted as friends – men that did things to me that will forever change who I am and the way I feel about men in general. I believe it’s probably even changed my DNA. No wonder I feel like shit all the time. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t met or dated ANY of the men I’ve written about. Not one of them has added anything positive to my life (probably why it’s easy to write about them). Even OC – the one that I loved and hurt me the most.

I’ve run into OC a couple of times in the past few months. He literally hid behind his hat in one instance (I pretended I didn’t see him), and in another, he literally ran out of the place when he saw me. Seriously… what a fucking coward! It’s been two whole years, and he’s still acting this way? WTF?

About a month ago, a mutual acquaintance (more on that later) mentioned to me that OC “has commitment issues”. Instantly, those words helped me to gain clarity – I realized at that exact moment I’m not the only one OC has done this to, and all of this time I had been blaming myself, thinking I’m the one that did something wrong. And to think that there are women in this town that have also probably been burned by him really angers me. How dare he think it’s okay to use women, feign a friendship, and throw them away! What a fucking piece of shit! Instead of feeling hurt from him now, I feel anger and disgust. (Also pissed off at myself for being a fool.) I don’t normally feel hatred towards people, but now I have this hatred towards him for wasting my time and lying to me and using me and hurting me without a single apology. I was blinded by his charm and his pretending to like me, because I wasn’t used to men being nice to me. How fucking pathetic am I?

On the note of men being nice to me – that’s how I ended up married. I had a horrible dating streak in my 20s and early 30s. I was a single mom, and at the time, being a single mom wasn’t a huge thing like it is now. No one wanted to date me, no one wanted to date anyone with kids – or they wanted their own kids, and I was done having them. I was rarely taken out on “real dates” and treated like a woman. All I met were losers or men that were too old for me to date. I honestly didn’t even know what dating was supposed to be about, because my life at that time were mainly friends with benefits and hookups. I didn’t know what it was like to have a real boyfriend. I also didn’t meet anyone that I wanted in my life longterm, because when you’re a single mom, the guy has to be the entire package.

So when I met my now ex-husband, he was super sweet to me and took me out on real dates, called me when he said he would, and all of those good things that women should get out of a man she’s dating. Plus, he accepted my child. I wasn’t used to be treated well at all, which is why I stuck with him and married him. We had some things in common, but not enough to keep the marriage alive. We grew apart. I realize now I was settling for someone just because he was nice to me, and I didn’t think anyone else could or would love me. How fucked up is that? I don’t want to fall into that trap again.

Recently, an acquaintance introduced me to a man that I’m now very good friends with. It’s a new friendship, so the trust is still building. To set the record straight, I’ve already told him that I’m emotionally, financially, and sexually unavailable – and he’s okay with that. It’s nice to find someone that can be a friend without expecting anything in return, like the men in my experience have.

I always feel like I owe him something when he helps me move furniture or takes me out to eat – because there has always been a price to pay when men “help”. But he says he doesn’t expect anything in return, and I sit and wonder how long this attitude will last.

My friend treats me very well, but he does remind me a lot of my ex-husband (the good parts), and I realize we don’t have that much in common. And this is what gets me – friends saying that if he treats me well, I should date him. But I don’t see it that way, since I have been there/done that, got bored and moved on. I know exactly what I want, but I have to keep reminding myself that just because this person treats me well doesn’t mean I should be in a relationship with him. Besides, I am emotionally unavailable. I just need to find other people that know how to treat other people well.

Dodging a Bullet After Dating Mr. Volatile

I met Mr. Volatile when I went kayaking one day and got stuck in a rainstorm. His friend offered to help me out, and they had kids with them, so I felt safe enough. Plus, there were plenty of people around. Mr. Volatile was on his best behavior at the time, and it turned out he was 51, never married, and no kids. That should probably have been clue number one.

Mr. Volatile invited me to go boating the following day and the day after that, and another day we went to the beach. His friend was still in town, so I did notice the dynamic changed once his friend left. He had to look up something on his laptop, and when he opened it, porn came up. He blamed his friend, and I called him out on his bullshit.

By the third date, he kissed me for the first time… it was just okay. I was having fun hanging out and spending time with someone new. We had discussed some dating stories and knew some of the people. He knew King Nothing, but they weren’t friends. (In fact, he’s the one that told me about King Nothing and his harem of women.) But I also noticed when we were alone, he barely talked to me. He was on his phone the entire time we went to a nude beach one day. He didn’t even look at me, which I thought was odd, but he seemed very comfortable being butt naked in public. And when he got up from lying on his stomach, he had a hard on (which I also later confronted him about, and he denied it). He obviously didn’t get it from looking at me.

Some of the things about Mr. Volatile that seemed bizarre were: he only worked 3-4 days a month, there were no family photos or anything at all on the walls of his house, and all of his dishes and cups were plastic. He said he was a reserve pilot working a few days a month, but that doesn’t explain how he affords to live the way he does. I went to make food one evening and asked where his glasses and dishes were, because all I found was plastic. He said someone broke a glass on the tile once and it was such a mess to clean up that he got rid of all of the glass in the kitchen. Mmmkay. Oh, and did I mention he drove a windowless “kidnap” van?

I noticed a change in attitude and personality with Mr. Volatile when he was constantly watching Fox News and yelling about how great our horrible president is. I should have run away then. I also noticed that anytime I expressed an opinion, I was wrong and my opinion didn’t matter. And when I would suggest anything, he rejected. Looking back, I think I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells with this guy.

On the very last date, I was near his house and asked if he needed help with something he was doing. He said he might need help getting rid of “this girl” (also, he referred to all women as “girls”) that stopped by his house that was crying about her boyfriend breaking up with her. I was curious as to what this was about and who this “girl” was, but by the time I arrived, she’d left. Mr. Volatile then said he was hungry and suggested getting something to eat. I wasn’t dressed for anything too nice, and he has to give me notice to get ready for certain places, because I wasn’t about to go in my beach clothes to a nice restaurant. His response was bitchy toned: “I don’t make plans. I just go.” I said well a couple of hours notice would be helpful, to which he replied like I was asking too much, “No! I don’t do that. I don’t make plans! You women always take so long.” What. The. Fuck. I should have just left, but I was hungry.

We ended up going to a place he’d never been, but I had. I sat there trying to have an adult conversation while I could tell he wasn’t listening to a word I said and was too busy looking at every other woman’s ass. I stopped mid sentence, because I was annoyed. I also called him out on it, and he denied it, of course. After dinner he wanted to go to a bar that I didn’t care to go to. I’d been up since early that morning, had worked all day, went to the beach after work, and by then it was getting late. The last thing I wanted was to go to a bar that I don’t even like, but he said just a drink and see the band. Okay.

We walked to the bar, and immediately King Nothing is standing there with another woman, and they’re all over each other. Great. This was literally ON the day I posted the blog about him. I gave him the middle finger and kept walking. Then Mr. Volatile kept pointing out King Nothing being there and referring to him as my boyfriend, which was really fucking annoying… and he was acting really jealous. I reminded him that we went on three dates, and that I just don’t like being lied to and played, because he wasted my time that could have been spent doing something (or someone) better. I walked up to the bartender to get a drink… and paid for it myself. Mr. Volatile spent most of the time walking around, talking to other people, and leaving me behind. I told him I could tell that he was NOT into me at all… he denied it. So basically, I was nearly by myself at a bar that I didn’t want to be at buying my own drinks. Then about an hour or so later, Mr. Volatile disappeared. I texted him asking where he went, but he never answered me. He had actually left me there and went home!! I realized later that my text messages turned green, which meant that he’d blocked me from contact. The fucking nerve! I had to walk alone back to his house in the dark to get my car, and when I arrived, all of his lights were off and he had set my cooler by my driver’s side door. What. The. Fuck.

I should have done it sooner, because one of my friends is Mr. Volatile’s neighbor, so I asked her if she knew him. (Previously, he denied knowing her.) She said yes, he’s volatile and basically, none of the neighbors like him, because he’s so rude and nasty to people. Her husband says hello when Mr. Volatile walks by, and he just turns his head. Wow.

Two days after Mr. Volatile showed his true colors, I was at the beach with a girlfriend and had been telling her the entire story. He drove by in his kidnap van and smiled and waved, as if we were best buddies. What. The. Fuck. I don’t know if he realized it was me or what. I saw him again the following day but pretended I didn’t. I saw him again last night walking down the street with a woman and a kid. Good luck to her!

One thing I’ve noticed with these guys that can’t say goodbye or be an adult is that they block me when I call them out on their bullshit. Every time! But I guess I dodged a bullet with that volatile asshole. Next!