A Date with a Cheapskate Unchivalrous Military Man

I’m really about over meeting anyone from dating sites anymore. I know I keep saying this, but I did pay for three months of Match and one month of another dull site and wish I’d just bought myself a nice dress and taken myself out to a really nice dinner instead.

This time I ended up meeting with a military guy that lived about an hour away. Now I have said to my friends that I am done meeting military men, because I’ve been married to them and have dated them throughout my life. Most are great guys, but their mindset is not compatible with mine. But I’m a sucker for trying anyway.

We agreed to meet at a halfway point, so I suggested a sports bar that I’m somewhat familiar with. I’d already eaten, so I wasn’t hungry when I arrived. He’d arrived early and had ordered food. Mr. Cheapskate didn’t even ask if I wanted anything, but the bartender gave me a menu and I ordered a beer. Physically, Mr. Cheapskate was decent looking, even though he was a little on the short side, and in good shape for a 50-year-old. The conversation went pretty smoothly – we had a lot of things in common, and we actually talked for about 3 hours. I thought that even if it doesn’t work out romantically, if anything, we could be friends.

In the meantime, I ordered a chocolate martini, because I wanted something sweet. Mr. Cheapskate asked for the tab, and I asked if my two drinks were on there as well. Yes, they were, so I said, “What do I owe?” – because that is one way to test where this is going (another date or a friend zone). Mr. Cheapskate said to just pay the tip ($10) and thanked me. I figured $10 was probably about the cost of both of my drinks, but whatever. When we were leaving, Mr. Cheapskate did not open the door for me, and he mentioned he was parked directly out front. I’d parked down the street in a lot. I could tell that Mr. Cheapskate almost let me walk alone but finally asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my car. “Of course,” I said, “it’s dark out and I’m not that familiar with this area”. So we walked to the lot, he hugged me and unexpectedly gave me a kiss. It was okay but a little awkward.

Mr. Cheapskate wanted to see me the following evening, but I hadn’t slept well and was too tired. Plus, I would have to drive an hour to his area, and I wasn’t about to do that after not sleeping, so we planned for the following evening. Unfortunately, the same thing happened, because I had terrible insomnia and back pain for three days. So we planned for New Year’s Eve. I had no interest in going anywhere, because I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with crowds, drinking, or driving. Plus, I wasn’t sure if I’d be paying my own bill and really couldn’t afford to anyway. I said I was just perfectly fine with lighting a fire, grilling burgers and hanging out for more good conversation. He suggested going to a sports bar… and I said I’m not hanging out at a sports bar on NYE (with shitty food that I might end up paying for).

On that day, Mr. Cheapskate was texting and calling me. I had literally just woken up and was cooking breakfast and doing dishes and couldn’t answer the phone. I was also catching up on the things I didn’t accomplish due to my back pain the previous days. He didn’t leave a message and tried calling about five minutes later. And about 10 minutes later, a “No Caller ID” showed up. I wasn’t sure if it was him being sneaky or a telemarketer, but I was annoyed and ignored the call.

When he was on his way over, I had another “No Caller ID” ring, and when I answered, it was Mr. Cheapskate. Now I was thinking oh great, he’s one of those types that does that sneaky shit, and we only had one date! At that point I was starting to regret asking him over. Prior to his arrival, he’d asked if I needed anything. I said I didn’t (I’m always prepared). When he arrived, Mr. Cheapskate arrived empty handed. Sure, I didn’t need anything, but the decent gesture is to at least bring your own booze or something, right? So I was a little more than slightly annoyed. Then he said, “Wow, look at all this food you made… I didn’t realize you were doing that. I should have brought something over.” Well, yes you should have, I thought, and I already told you that I just wanted a simple night of grilling burgers and a fire. Guess you weren’t listening?

The first time Mr. Cheapskate used my bathroom, he left my toilet seat up. I had probably already decided deep down inside, but I definitely decided right then this will be nothing more than a friendship. I’m not going to train a 50 y/o man to put a toilet seat down.

The rest of the evening went okay with conversation, but I started to get bored quickly. I put Mr. Cheapskate in charge of the burgers and the fire, since it was the least he could do, and I figured most men like doing that anyway. He overcooked the burgers (cooked them to the way he likes them, not the way I said I liked mine), and I ended up having to take over the fire and doing the entire cleanup. He’s not a big drinker, but Mr. Cheapskate did manage to drink half of my beer – and because he’s not a drinker, they really hit him hard. (I drink strong beer with high AVB.) So as the night went on, he got louder and talked over me – there went the conversation. He wasn’t obnoxious, just annoying. And the more he talked, the more I realized his accent, his voice, his build… and more reminded me of Dodger. It was almost a deja vu. (At least Dodger bought his own beer.)

Eventually, Mr. Cheapskate fell asleep on my couch, thank god, so I left him there and went to bed. As soon as I got comfortable and started to fall asleep, he walked into my room and invited himself to sleep in my bed. I told him no, you’re snoring, and I won’t be able to sleep. What did he do? He still got in my bed! I was pissed! Not only did he disturb my rest, now he thinks it’s okay to just take over? I don’t think so! So there I was in bed stewing at how rude he was and now wide awake. Within minutes, he started snoring. I shook him and said you have to go back in the living room, you’re snoring and I can’t sleep. He went back out and left me alone. By then it was probably 3am, so I was super pissed that he was not only ruining my sleep, I wanted to get up in the morning and take a nice beach walk to start my New Year out.

For the rest of the night, I heard Mr. Cheapskate in and out of my bathroom, so doors were shutting all night. I got up around 6am to pee and peeked into the living room. He was sleeping on my floor – which is tile but has a throw rug. I was thinking wtf is he doing on the floor? I didn’t care and went back to bed. When I woke back up around 9am, I felt like crap for not sleeping all night. He was still on the floor, and I woke him up, because I needed him to leave so I could start my day.

I guess Mr. Cheapskate couldn’t handle my beer very well. He thought he had food poisoning. I said well it’s not my food, I ate the same thing, and I’m fine. He said he was up all night spinning, puking and had diarrhea. Nice. He really was in bad shape, and I couldn’t get rid of him until about noon. My entire morning was shot, and pretty much my day, because I was too damn tired to do anything once he left. On top of that, I realized he definitely puked and shit all night… it was all over my toilet, even puke running down the side (I had cleaned my bathroom the day prior) and he had pee spots on my tile floor. How fucking gross!

I really expected more from a military man, because I have found them generally to be more chivalrous and courteous and cleaner. But this one really floundered. He messaged me the following day that he was feeling better but still not that great. And then he messaged me that night saying “goodnight” but I didn’t answer. The following day I got another “No Caller ID” call and didn’t answer it, and I don’t plan on seeing him again – friends or not. And now I have learned how to block these “No Caller ID” calls!

Having to Put a Guy in Friend Zone

Just because you may have had a good first date and liked the person doesn’t mean there was chemistry or enough in common to continue something past a friendship. I have learned this the hard way more than once. Sometimes you can’t move past friendship for one reason or another. Having to let someone down really sucks, but it has to be done so both people can move along.

I met Computer Guy on Match. He reminded me of someone I had dated 15 years ago (and that guy should have remained friendship material). He was in his early 50s, lived about an hour away, and had a teenage son. We chatted a bit and finally agreed to meet for a beer and then out to dinner. Our conversation was great, and we seemed to have a lot in common, but his kid kept wondering when dad was coming home. Strike one. This is why I don’t want to date men with younger kids. It wasn’t the first or second time it’s happened recently.

At the end of the date Computer Guy walked me to my car and gave me an awkward kiss. First, I wasn’t ready for it and I wasn’t even sure if I was physically attracted to him. The other turnoff was his terrible breath. It was the type of breath that smells like rotting garbage even when they’re standing 15 inches in front of you. It just comes out and makes you want to hold your breath. Sooo… strike two.

However, our conversation was great and we seemed to have a lot in common, but still… there was something else about Computer Guy I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I just knew there was something a little off. I learned it over the following week. In the meantime, I was still friendly to him.

And this is why I like to feel them out for a few days or week after the first date:

During the following week, Computer Guy had been texting me a little much, talking about physical things like massaging me and possibly staying at my place. I don’t know where he came up with these ideas, because none of our conversations had been even close to that. I told him that I’m not ready for anything physical and reduced my contact with him. Plus, I had started my period and didn’t want to deal with some man bullshit.

Computer Guy apparently got the hint and backed off a bit. We were supposed to meet up again, but I just wasn’t feeling it and not exactly feeling well. The more he texted me, the less interested I was in him. I felt that he needed my validation for every text he sent – and I felt he was needy – and that’s when it hit me that one thing I couldn’t pinpoint on the first date. The guy is fucking needy. I can’t do needy. That is some draining bullshit that sucks the life right out of you. No thank you!

So Computer Guy messaged me that he liked being with me and was hoping we’d get together again. I told him that I was really busy (it was just before the holidays) and told him that I didn’t think I could move forward as more than a friendship. I thought he’d appreciate me being blunt and honest. His reply?

“Sorry I gave a shit.”

Say what?? I had no idea WTF he was talking about. Then he started sending me long ass letters as text messages that I gave him the impression that I liked him and he only talked about kissing and massages, because he cared… that kissing me gave him some feeling… (I am not lying when I say it was only one date and a short kiss. Zero fireworks for me.) Then he told me that my text to him was basically a grenade and that I push people away. Wow. He made it seem as if we’d been dating for a few months.

I don’t disagree that I definitely push people away that I’m not interested in sharing my life with. Who doesn’t? But I did remind him that it was only ONE date and not enough time for me to have any types of feelings, that I like to take time and process things, not jump into something headfirst. Computer Guy still went on and on. I ended it with telling him that although I enjoyed our conversation and had a nice time, I felt no chemistry at all. He finally settled down and told me good luck in my search. Whew! I thought I was going to have to deal with another crazy. Luckily, he didn’t know where I lived, and he lived too far away to bother with me anyway.

So again, even though this date went well, it couldn’t even end in friendship because of that person’s expectations. To that I say: Not my loss.

What They Really Mean on Dating Sites…

As soon as I see a profile picture that I don’t like, I automatically write that person off. Too many photos with drinks in their hands usually means they spend a lot of time in bars. Sticking their tongues out is just immature and stupid. Middle fingers probably means they’re angry and immature. Blurry photos and too far away? Fugly.  Too many shirtless pics (or any if they’re not at the beach or in the water) probably means they’re in love with themselves. Too many bathroom selfies… no friends? Lol Seriously…

But sometimes they write things (or don’t write things) that are red flags. For example, if they write nothing on their profile, then they’re not serious about a relationship at all. They’re too lazy to write anything, and therefore too lazy to put any effort in a relationship. But there are things they sometimes do write that have other interpretations. This is my list so far:

“If you want to know, just ask” = too lazy to fill out profile (see above)

“School of Hard Knocks” = spent some time behind bars

“NSA (No strings attached)” = wants to get laid

“Looking for fun” = wants to get laid

“Newly single” = wants to get laid

“Just looking to make friends” = wants a friend with benefits

“My kids are my world” = no time for a relationship

“I work a lot” = no time for a relationship

“Old fashioned” = a woman’s place is in the kitchen

“Please have no drama” = loves drama and invites it

“Drama free” = more dramatic than a 14-year-old girl

Would anyone like to add to this list? Comment below…

Online Dating is Exhausting… Even When it’s a Good Date

In my last post, I talked about dating being exhausting when people are energy vampires. But online dating itself is even worse. Before the actual date happens, having to read through 150 emails from pursuers is a daunting task, because you also have to view/read their profiles to see who these people are before answering them. It’s practically a job in itself. 90% of mine either get deleted or I politely tell them we are not a match. For most, they are thankful I even answer them.

For some, they want to know why we aren’t a match. Most of the time, I can tell whether or not they’ve read my profile, so I tell them just that. For example, if they are separated or still married, they obviously didn’t read my profile. Who the hell wants to date a married man? Not me! Or the age difference is too great – too young or too old doesn’t work for me either – and some (especially the younger ones) cannot seem to understand that. And at this point in life, I’m not interested in dating men with small children, and it seems there are so many in their 40s and 50s with small children.

And some act like it’s the end of the world if you don’t get back to them right away. Those are the “red flag” ones that I won’t even bother to answer at all if they can’t understand that most people don’t have time to sit on a dating site all day long to answer questions. One guy practically cried that I wasn’t interested… he said he was “a really nice guy” blah blah blah so why wouldn’t I go out with him? Seriously. I told him if he’s such a nice guy, he will find a match. This is exactly the type of crap that makes online dating exhausting. No one wants to open messages and have to deal with that.

But then there are the good dates that confuse the shit out of us. After Super Needy Guy, I met someone I was actually attracted to and had more in common with. Coach was in his early 50s and lived about an hour from me but frequents my area. I even met his sister and brother-in-law that were visiting. Coach is well-educated, good looking, polite, and seemed to have his shit together. We had a great time, and we both said we’d like to see each other again.

Coach was supposed to come back the following weekend, but something came up. Then I didn’t hear from him for about a week. I started suspecting he’s probably dating other women because he’s active on the Match site (yes it tells you that also!) or maybe he’s just a player, because to have a good date and then for someone to just fall off the radar is usually how it goes. And I don’t know how I missed it, but I went back to read his profile, and it said “I’m looking for women…” and that’s when I realized it was written in plural. Coach wasn’t looking for one woman, but still wanted something for the long run. No wonder I hadn’t heard from him. And due to his profession, location, and good looks, I’m pretty certain he’s surrounded by a multitude of beautiful women to choose from. So in my mind, I labeled him as a player.

Then I finally did hear from Coach. Match tells users when someone views their profile, so Coach said he “stopped in” and saw that I’d viewed him, asked how I was, and I wasn’t sure why he was messaging me on the site since he has my actual phone number. I would ask him questions, and he would avoid them. Very strange and very shady. Then I didn’t hear from him again for about two weeks. By then, I’d written him off.

So two weeks later, he said he may be coming back into my area that weekend and wanted to know if my friend’s place was available to rent for the night. I gave him her info and didn’t hear from him for a few more days. Coach messaged me that weekend and said he wasn’t going to make it on Saturday, but made plans with me to do a beach walk on Sunday morning. I thought it would be something fun and normal to do… I mean, I haven’t been on a beach walk with a man in I can’t remember how long.

Sunday came around. Coach was a no call, no show. I wasn’t sure if he ever made it into the area, so I texted him that afternoon saying I guess you didn’t make it over here? He said no, he decided to stay in his area and take a bike ride. Mmmmkay. I said well thanks for letting me know.

His reply? “Sorry, my bad.”

How fucking rude! That was the last I heard from him. Obviously, he’s a player and has zero respect for my time. So even though the date was good, the after-date was total bullshit. I don’t have time for that, either!

Dating is Exhausting When People are Needy

A few of my friends are using online dating sites, and so am I. I decided instead of just using one site, I’d use multiple to increase my chances. Often, I have found others doing the same, because I recognize their photos. But even one site can be exhausting to use. I mean, by the time you match and initially chat, sometimes several days have gone by. If an actual meetup happens at all, the aftereffects seem to be tiresome.

After having a conversation with a girl friend, we both questioned if online dating is even worth it. Of course we all have expectations, no matter how hard we try not to. However – when someone presents himself (or herself) online to be a certain type of person, we expect that what is what we get. Not always accurate. In fact, so far seems inaccurate 99% of the time.

I like to chat for a few days or a week to feel them out, because many times they get weird before the first meet even happens, and I don’t want to waste my time on weirdos. The first date I had thru the Match site seemed a little too eager to me to meet so quickly, but he was persistent, and I hadn’t been feeling that well, so my guard wasn’t as strong as it should have been. This guy was about 50, seemed okay to talk to, and we agreed to meet at a restaurant for a couple of drinks before proceeding. I will refer to him as Super Needy Guy.

Super Needy Guy showed up wearing something like gym clothes, drove an old beater, and was a lot scruffier in person than in his photos. I knew immediately I was not physically attracted to him. Still, I’m not opposed to meeting new people even if we only remain as friends. Conversation was pretty easy, but he’d told me a lot of info that I wasn’t sure was the type you should tell anyone on the first date. He’d been adopted, treated differently than the natural born children, and said he grew up with a German shepherd as his best friend. It was a sad story, but it certainly gave a lot of perspective on his neediness. After two beers, we decided to part. This was a Saturday.

The following day, I had to work, and Super Needy Guy knew this. While I was getting ready for work, he texted me. I had no time to answer. I got to work and Super Needy Guy texted me a few more times and even tried calling me. That in itself annoyed the hell out of me. Total red flags there. Besides, I still wasn’t feeling well and didn’t need the extra pressure of having to answer to someone.

I waited until after work to text him that I wasn’t feeling well. He immediately texted back and I answered him. Then he tried calling me again… I turned off the call and let it go to voicemail. I wasn’t in the mood to talk after having worked all day and having a sore throat. The thing is – he knew this, but his neediness overtook my need for my health and well-being. No thank you. Then he had the nerve to text me and say he tried calling but it went straight to voicemail, as if I was obligated to answer to him. Fuck that!

He continued texting me the following day and the day after, and to me it was just too much. Apparently, he had a lot of time on his hands, even at his job. By Tuesday I was growing tired of it all, not to mention I either had terrible allergies or something else going on and in no mood to deal with it.

Super Needy Guy kept texting me that he wanted to meet up again to see if there’s any chemistry. I finally told him that honestly, there was no chemistry on my part. I guess that pissed him off, because he said “no more free drinks” (remember, I only had two beers) and that “seems most women play the games their profile says they don’t want. No worries, I will delete your number, I don’t waste time on someone who isn’t interested. No need to text back…” blah blah blah…

Oh. My. God. How dramatic! It was one date and two beers, and I was already exhausted. Talk about a total energy vampire! I reminded him that not only was I working a lot, I was also not feeling well and told him he was too pushy and too fast for my pace and sorry if my two beers seemed like I was playing a game – that it was one date, not a handful.

I never heard from him again, and boy was I glad! But he exhausted me to the point that I didn’t want even want to bother going out on another date. It seriously took me a good week or so to recover. No more energy vampires!

The Return of Douchebags

It seems like they all come out of the woodwork at once. Besides constantly seeing my ex husband with his fiancé all over town, I keep running into these douchebags.

Since my last post, Frat Boy returned my robe, but not before harassing the shit out of me first. He texted me numerous times trying to talk to me, but I was either working, busy, or just not in the mood for dealing with his shit. He filled up my voicemail with stupid messages asking why I’m not speaking to him – filled it up so much that I missed important messages, because there was no room left. That really annoyed the crap out of me. Finally, I told him that the reason I don’t want to speak to him is because of the last incident when he acted like a total ass, to which he replied that I always blame him for something… as if I made him act that way. So I told him to just mail my robe back, because I wasn’t about to have to see him, and I didn’t want him at my house. About a week or so ago, I was sitting at home doing some writing. Frat Boy had pulled up at my house and stuck the robe on my front doorknob. I made sure I bleached it well.

About a month ago, my friend and I went to watch a musician play at a local tavern. I noticed King Nothing there and ignored him. Suddenly, this woman walks up to us and introduces herself to me. She knew my name, and I swear I’d never seen her before. She shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me. I was like wtf? Who are you, and how do you know my name? She said everyone knows who I am. I said who’s everyone, because I rarely go to this place. My friend and I looked at each other like what is this about? She wasn’t even looking at my friend, just me, saying she just wanted to meet me. It was very bizarre. Sure enough, she leaves and it turns out she was there with King Nothing. Why anyone would want to stir up some drama is beyond me, but apparently they deserve each other. What a tool!

I saw Mr. Volatile on Match, and he liked me and messaged me. Apparently, he didn’t even recognize me, even though I still look the same as I did when I dated him six months ago. He had his age listed as 44, even though he’s 51. I replied with “You don’t recognize me? We’ve already met and dated. You might not want to lie about your age on here.” I guess my location threw him off, but he said he liked my photos. Whatever. I said, “I suppose you don’t recognize me, because the entire time we went out to dinner you were checking out other women. Then you ditched me at a bar I didn’t even want to go to. So no wonder you don’t remember.” He had nothing to say after that. Another tool.

I’ve been making a good attempt at going to new places in another city to get away from the madness around here at least once a week. But of course, I just had to run into someone else from the past – a cop that I briefly dated – that turned out to be married but divorced earlier this year. He stood me up on a Friday night around my birthday, so I haven’t kept in touch with him. He offered to buy me a beer, so I agreed. I was showing him something I had been working on and ended up getting another beer. When the bill came, he never paid for the first beer. What a douche!

After not running into him for months now, I saw Orange Crush on Black Friday in the parking lot across from my job, walking into another establishment. He and the guy he was with were looking up where I was standing at my job, while a co-worker and myself were staring down at the parking lot. I’m pretty sure he knows where I work, and at this point, I’m pretty sure he’s still a huge pussy and can’t face me like a man. But I still started shaking again when I saw him. I didn’t think I would still have those feelings that I can’t seem to shake. I’ll be so glad when that finally happens!

Knowing What I Want in a Relationship

It’s been over a year ago that I wrote down exactly what I want in a partner. Finding anyone to fit the criteria has been a challenge. While some people (that have never seen the list) think that I’m setting my expectations too high, I disagree. In my past relationships, I have always settled for less than I want. Maybe I thought I didn’t deserve what I really want or didn’t think it existed, but that got me nowhere in the long run. Even in my recent dating life, I have overlooked some things just because there are no other options (besides sitting home with my cat), and I still felt like I was selling myself short.

The criteria I have set isn’t out of the ordinary. Asking for things like loyalty, honesty, considerate, stable, etc., are just basic things we all want. But believe it or not, even those things can be difficult to come across in the world of dating. Someone that brings out the best in me and appreciates me is not asking for too much. And I don’t care what anyone says – physical attraction has to be there – because I have also settled in the past and ended up repulsed once their true attitude came out.

Earlier this week, someone made a comment to me twice – “No wonder you’re still single at your age.” Really? Still single? I was married for 8 years, so I’m just single again. I’m not settling just to be in a relationship, because I’m not needy like that. And the age comment was just stupid. Plenty of people my age and older have been single for years. Plenty of people my age and older have never even given marriage a shot, so anyone that thinks that me being single is an issue can seriously shove it. And of course, the older we get, the more narrow the dating field is. I’d take being single over being in an unhappy relationship any day of the week.

And I know I’ve said I’m never going on a dating site ever again. But a few people have said to try the Match site, because people have to pay to contact/reply, etc., and it helps filter out a lot of idiots like the free sites and apps. So I went ahead and signed up on Match for three months. The thing I do like about it is they match with what both parties are looking for, even though some are contacting me that clearly do not meet my standards. I’m getting plenty of emails and chatting with some people. I’m not jumping at meeting anyone immediately, because I think it’s important to feel them out for a good week. If they have a “must meet now” attitude, sayonara, because those are usually the types that want to jump into something and turn out to be control freaks. Having respect for my needs is another thing right up there on my list… which is NOT asking for much at all.